Beauty, Brains, Brawn -- Can We Have It All?

When I was younger I was a complete tomboy. I was sexually violated at a young age and believed it to be my fault, because I was attractive and intelligent. My abuser was a grown man and often referred to my looks, intellect, and maturity as explanations for liking me. I learned to hate my so-called beauty. As a child, I internalized what happened to me and thought if people saw me as pretty or feminine or saw me at all it would only bring me trouble.

I wore only athletic clothes and baggy jeans. I hide my curves. I shunned fitted clothes. I refused to touch makeup. I did well in school, but tried to do so quietly. I played sports and could run with the boys. Sports were safe. My body wasn't a curse, but a gift when it allowed me to flex my muscles. I love sports to this day, and would rather be on a field than anywhere else. I love getting muddy and working up a sweat.

But as I grew up, I evolved. I met a few amazing people who showed me how to be a more well-rounded person. I had these wonderful women showing me that I could be everything. I could be a star athlete, and a lovely lady. They were like my big sisters and they helped me put back the broken pieces of myself. With their guidance, I allowed myself to explore my feminine side. I wore girls clothes. I let them do my hair and make up. I smiled, other than on the soccer field. I got more involved in my life. I eventually began to see myself as a more complete person for it. I stopped hating myself for being considered conventionally pretty. I did modeling for a bit and competed in beauty pagents. Today, I consider myself to be a pretty girl, and I like it. I have fun modeling, playing grown-up dress-up.

I still think it's wrong for people to judge others on their looks. I wouldn't want to date a guy who was into me because I model. And I hope to never identify myself based on my looks. However I no longer feel I need to pretend not to be what I am because other people are stupid or immature or sick...

Believing a beautiful person or object to be something more than pleasing to the eyeis a mistake. Equating a persons beauty with their value is a mistake. Thinking something can only serve one purpose---to be beautiful---is a mistake. However, the mistake is not in the aesthetic object or being. It's in the perception of those viewing it. By hiding my looks, I internalized that error, as if it was my fault
people thought pretty and smart couldn't go together. What I've since learned is it's not my error, so I need not change to correct it.

I enjoy art galleries and museum and I have studied aesthetic philosophy. I could spend hours watching the leaves in full autumn color, or the waves crashing on the shore. I take an obscene number of photographs of what to me is a beautiful four-legged creature. I appreciate beauty in the world, as I believe others can. There is an appropriate time and place and attitude for that however. 

The mindset I have evolved to is this: My gifts of brains, beauty, athleticism, etc... are natural and given to me with this body in this lifetime. I am blessed. Why should I cast a shadow on ANY of my nature-given-light because of other peoples misperception or ignorance? Why should I play down my gifts, just because other people may not be comfortable with it? 

I made the choice to let all my light shine. To be beautiful, talented, and intelligent. To be goofy, sarcastic, and cocky. To be fearless 99% of the time. To not tone any of it down because some weaker people may be intimidated. I decided to aim to excel, at everything I do or am, and be me fully. If I fall
short, I still land pretty high up on the mountain, because I am aiming even higher. But if I aim to others' level and fall short, I'm covered in mud. I hope in doing so I'm able to challenge people to rise to a higher standard, rather than sink myself to their level.

As a child, I didn't know how to cope, other than blaming myself and changing myself. If I wasn't pretty, they would leave me alone. It was my fault for being attractive. I threw that bull s--- idea out the window a while ago too. Some people are just stupid. It was never my fault. I know that now. So I also know I
don't have to blame myself, or hate myself, for being pretty or smart or blessed in any way. I hope other women can learn the same. Beauty is good, not bad. But it also needs to be kept in it's place and not over-prioritized.