Can you avoid these uncomfortable, often repetitive, and predictable confrontations, when you are the one hosting the holiday dinner? Is it possible to declare a truce to make the holidays more enjoyable? Here are some tools to make that happen:
Preparation Before the Holidays
Most families naively think that this year will be different and that the same old arguments will just magically disappear. Don’t be fooled. Yes, a year has passed, but unless the offending parties have worked on changing their patterns, nothing will be different. Patterns will repeat again and again! Rather than kid yourselves and “hope for the best,” be proactive by preparing for the inevitable. It’s as simple as having a plan that is talked about ahead of time, so that there’s actually a chance to change recurring dynamics!
1. Acknowledge that the problem exists and talk to those family members who get into it most often at the dinner table. Is there any way for them to discuss their issues ahead of time as an opportunity to understand the other’s point of view? If not, can they make a truce to avoid the “hot” topics at dinner? For example: “I will not bring up politics, because I know it drives my mom crazy and starts a fight.”
2. Appeal to each person’s love for the other, reminding them of their good feelings for each other and how badly they each feel when they fight at the holidays.
During the Dinner Feast
Whether or not you had a chance to prepare ahead of time, or if your efforts were in vain and the fight still happens, you can still be prepared with the following steps to deflect the argument during the holiday dinner:
1. Intervene lightly, yet effectively, “Hey, we’ve been here before, let’s table this for now and talk later. We’ll all feel better if we don’t continue down this road.”
2. Acknowledge that each of their points of view is valid and that their feelings are legitimate – it’s simply that the timing is wrong.
3. Don’t take sides, just suggest to them to make a truce at that moment. Remember, if you get involved in the fight, it will only make it worse. Your job is to help the arguers save face and give them a chance to recompose themselves, as quickly as possible.
4. Change the subject. “Hey, let’s focus on how great Grandma’s pie is. I know we ALL agree on that!” Or call attention away from the argument by acknowledging the new puppy or grandchild. This not only helps the arguers, but also the other guests who are surely feeling uncomfortable!
5. Use humor if possible. Have a joke ready that everyone can appreciate.
Continue reading on Intent.com how to manage confrontations after the holiday feast
About the Author
Sharon M. Rivkin, author of The First Argument: Cutting to the Root of Intimate Conflict, is a licensed marriage and family therapist, and conflict resolution and affairs expert. Sharon is also the developer of the “First Argument Technique,” a groundbreaking, three-step method that heals and saves relationships. She has been in private practice for 28 years in Santa Rosa, California, and her work has been featured in several national magazines and websites including O: The Oprah Magazine, Reader’s Digest, Yahoo.com, and Dr.Laura.com. Sharon is an experienced public speaker, has appeared on television, and makes regular radio appearances across the U.S. For more information, visit www.sharonrivkin.com.
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