By Jennifer Sey (Mommy Track'd: Around the Watercooler)
I've identified one annoying character for approximately every year I've been working in the corporate tedium many of us call “real life”. They are in no particular order.
1. The Market Research jerk. PRETENSIONS: consumer data, the blackberry holster. AFFECTATION: Speaks about Proctor and Gamble as if this personal care products company were led by brilliant inventors as renowned and history making as Jonas Salk or Alexander Graham Bell. As in: “Look at what those geniuses at Proctor have done with Old Spice! Through rigorous quantitative consumer research, they unearthed the consumers' unmet needs; and through innovation delivered body wash. Brilliant!” (As if consumers in the 1st world have ANY unmet needs.) SELF-PERCEPTION: they are cultural anthropologists rather than data nerds.
2. The Creative Director jerk (found most often in advertising agencies). PRETENTIONS: a bong tucked away in the corner of his office. A pool table in the common area because one needs to relax to come up with groundbreaking new ideas to market beer. Or mini vans. Or boot cut jeans. Uses the word 'creative' as a noun, as in “I'm a creative.” Is never on time, smells like patchouli and generally hasn't matured past sophomore year in college. IN A FEW YEARS WILL BE: in rehab and divorced.
3. The Misogynist jerk. PRETENSIONS: thinks he's ok with women who have kids in the workplace but says things like: “You're not having any more children are you?” or “Maybe we should market these [insert noun here] to women in such a way that attacks their deep psychological problems around their hatred of their bodies or fear of being bad mothers.” IN A FEW YEARS WILL BE: a senior executive jerk.
4. The Woman Hating Woman jerk. CROSS TO BEAR: having fought for one of the few slots allowed to women in top tier MBA schools a few years back, she's still fighting other women in the workplace for the handful of senior executive slots reserved for women. PRETENSION: Never had children therefore believes herself to be more dedicated to her career than women who did. IN A FEW YEARS WILL BE: pregnant with sperm bank triplets at 47.
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Jennifer Sey hosts the Around the Watercooler
column on Mommy Track'd. She
is the author of Chalked Up, a memoir about her time
spent as a nationally and internationally competitive gymnast in
the 1980s. While she was competing she earned the title of 1986
National Champion and was a seven-time national time team member.
The book chronicles the ups and downs of a young life spent
training to be the best in a culture where second place means
losing.
Jennifer is now the VP of global marketing for Dockers, and, in 2006, was named one of the "Top 40 Marketers under 40" by Advertising Age magazine. She lives in San Francisco with her husband and two sons.
