Welcome to "Friend or Foe," a regular Double X advice column for your queries about the trickiest of all love affairs: friendships. Lucinda Rosenfeld, author of I'm So Happy For You, a novel about best friends, is now taking questions at lucinda@imsohappyforyou.com.
Dear Friend or Foe,
My so-called best friend—“Leslie”—apparently didn’t agree with the way I was going about leaving my husband. So she thought it wise to e-mail me, and CC him, about all the things I was doing that she disapproved of. To say the e-mail was harsh is an understatement. She brought up stuff that was clearly meant to be private. Her defense: "You told me that you told him everything. It’s not my fault if you were lying." At the time, I considered her behavior to be nothing less than malicious.
But with time and distance—namely, one year and 700 miles—I decided it was Leslie’s way, however passive aggressively, of telling me that she was uncomfortable with the situation I’d put her in. She’d been friends with both of us before the divorce. Do you think it’s worth my trying to rekindle the friendship now? We were very close for over 10 years. Other than this fight, we never had any issues.
Sincerely,
Having Second Thoughts About Whether My Former Best Friend is a
Killer Shrew
Dear HSTAWMFBFIAKS,
Wow, with friends like that ... . Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that a code of silence encircles and protects all lady-friend confessing and kvetching. That sort of information should never be disseminated to relevant spouses. In short, what happens in Starbucks (i.e., at a corner table, over double lattes) stays in that same Starbucks. The only time it’s appropriate to tattle to the husband? If the wife is putting her own life at risk, or that of a close family member—e.g., indulging a secret intravenous heroin habit while six months preggers.
You say that Leslie was close with your ex-husband, too. So I can understand how she might have felt put in an awkward spot, especially if both of you were using her as a sounding board for divorce-related recriminations. But could it really have been SO terrible for her? What you don’t say in your letter is whether there was an extramarital fling you were hoping to keep secret from your ex—and Leslie was kind enough to fill the guy in. If this was the case—and assuming no apology ever came—I can’t see why you’d be eager to catch up.
But, hey, it’s your life. If you miss Leslie, there’s nothing stopping you from sending her a friendly update (upon which she can pass fresh judgment).
I have a longtime frenemy who always plays the righteous card with me. It used to upset me—until I realized that she was the most morally compromised of any of us. (Bet you a nickel that Leslie’s personal life is no model of domestic anything.)
Sincerely,
Friend or Foe
Dear Friend or Foe,
I have a thing for my friend “Monica’s” boyfriend. I can assure you that I’d be attracted to him even if they didn't know each other. Nothing physical has ever happened between us. But there have been long conversations, bonding, a few flirtatious moments, and a mutual declaration of feelings—after we worked together on a project. A few weeks ago, we agreed to cut off contact.
At this point, I really don't think Monica needs to know, since this is no real threat to their relationship. (I believe his heart is with Monica.) Also, I don’t want to hurt her. The problem is, while I'm ashamed about what happened, I'm even more ashamed of being jealous of their relationship.
I hate hearing Monica’s updates about what they've been up to. I avoid conversations about him. Now I’ve started to avoid Monica. Do I have the right to remain distant from her for a while? Or should I be working at getting our friendship back on track? Also, do I have to accept invitations to hang out with the two of them?
Sincerely,
Feeling Jealous and Pathetic and Like I want to Crawl Into a Small
Hole
Dear FJAPALIWTCIASH,
Are you cross-my-heart-hope-to-die sure that your BFF’s boyfriend is not that much more exciting because he’s taken? And not just taken, but presently occupied by your best pal? If you’ve looked into your heart, and found that the answer is yes, well, then, you’re going to have get Zen and wait for love to take its course. Fifty-fifty odds they’ll l end up breaking up. And then, at some point down the freeway, if the feelings are still there (and assuming she’s dumped him), you can claim the guy as your own. In the meantime, to invoke a hideous but apt cliché: There are plenty more fish in the sea. I suggest you go find one.
As for your jealousy of Monica, if you can’t deal, by all means make yourself scarce. And if Monica wants to know why you’ve been avoiding her, just say you’ve been incredibly busy at work, or school, or whatnot. As a college counselor once told me—back when I still thought I had to report to my mother regarding every Phi Delt kegger—“you don’t have to tell everyone everything.” For that matter, even outright lying sometimes has its place.
The good news: I predict that in a year’s time you will either have lost interest in your BFF’s boyfriend, or your BFF will have done the same, or both—and you’ll be wondering why you ever wrote this letter.
Sincerely,
Friend or Foe
Dear Friend or Foe,
“Evelyn” and I became best friends when we were 15, which is now 30 years ago. She was there when my son was born, participated in all three of my weddings, spent holidays with my family, was by my side during the years I was a single parent, and was always there for me when my heart was broken by some idiot I was dating. At one point she even lived with husband #2 and me. Then I hired her to work for me.
For many years, it went OK. Recently, however, her dad died, and she changed. She became very anal and began to criticize me constantly. She also began to undermine me at work—to the point that several colleagues warned me that she was out to get me fired and take my job. She also began to reject my invitations to do things together. The final blow was that a couple of years ago she got married on the sly (to a man I introduced her to). Not only did she fail to include me in the ceremony, but she announced her nuptials in an e-mail addressed to everyone in the office.
Thankfully, she recently found another job and resigned. But now she’s invited me to meet her for a “catch-up” drink. Do I get together with her, act like nothing has happened, and let her initiate a casual, more acquaintancelike relationship? Or do I just ignore the message?
Sincerely,
This Is My Thanks for Giving My Oldest Friend a Job and a Man?
Dear TIMTFGMOFAJAAM?
First off, you have only yourself to blame for hiring a friend. The only other scenario guaranteed to ruin a friendship: becoming her landlord. That said, people do change over the years, and it’s possible that you and Evelyn have simply grown too far apart in personality or lifestyle to have any common ground left. In a way, it’s a miracle you’ve made it this far. (I have precisely ONE good friend I knew before I was eligible to vote—two since I could legally drink.)
But it’s also possible that there’s more to this story than you realize, or are letting on. You say things went south after Leslie’s father died. Is it possible that she feels you were inappropriately sympathetic? Alternately, at work, maybe you had a way, however inadvertently, of making her feel small or “excluded from the inner circle.”
You have a long, rich history together, and it’s worth finding out what went wrong and whether it’s salvageable. But if you get together, I would go deep—i.e., “Can we talk about how what happened between us?”—or not at all. Because, really, what kind of small talk are you going to make? (“Remember that time you reported me for lateness to our supervisor?! Now THAT was hilarious.” Head thrown back in laughter ... .) I don’t think so.
Sincerely,
Friend or Foe
Lucinda Rosenfeld 's new book, I'm So Happy for You: A Novel About Best Friends, has just been published.
