Welcome to "Friend or Foe," a regular DoubleX advice column for your queries about the trickiest of all love affairs: friendships. Lucinda Rosenfeld, author of I'm So Happy For You, a novel about best friends, is now taking questions at lucinda@imsohappyforyou.com.
Dear Friend or Foe,
My (now ex-) friend—“Liza” —started dating my brother about a year ago. They are now living together and show all signs of staying together indefinitely. My relationship with Liza has deteriorated to the point that, when my house actually burned down, she didn't respond to my e-mail, let alone call to see how I was doing.
Since it looks like this is going to be my sister-in-law, God help us both, I’ve made repeated overtures to her, including inviting her to dinner. But she’s apparently unwilling or unable to talk about what's going on and always turns me down. The only explanation she’s offered is that I didn't RSVP to a party invitation once. My brother says he thinks we have a "misunderstanding." (That might be the understatement of the century.)
At this point, I’ve given up on the friendship, but I still feel hurt and angry about the way Liza has treated me and my family. I know she's had a hard year, too. But without hearing her side of the story, I’m having a difficult time understanding her perspective, which just looks cold and selfish from here.
Any tips on how to handle this situation going forward? I'm going to have to look at this woman at Thanksgiving for the rest of my life.
Sincerely,
Thank God Therapy Is Covered by My HMO
Dear TGTICBMHMO,
First of all, I’m sorry about your home, and I hope everyone got out safely. Regarding your predicament, I have to admit that the fact that your friendship with Liza deteriorated at the same moment that she and your brother got tight makes me suspicious. I’m going to wager that he’s the culprit here. You don’t say how close you are/were to your bro, but perhaps you said something about Liza to him “in confidence” that, in a moment of post-coital intimacy, he felt inclined to repeat. (Maybe your criticism of her left him feeling defensive by association?)
There’s also the outside chance that Liza is simply a psycho (and really has disowned you over your failure to RSVP in a timely fashion). In that case, she’s likely to turn on your dear brother at some point, too. Then the two of you can share war stories for the rest of your life. Until and unless that happens, however, you need to get to the bottom of the brouhaha—before the pumpkin pie ends up flying in one of your faces.
I don’t usually believe that siblings are “responsible” for each other’s problems, but in this case I think it’s your brother’s job to broker a peace. Tell him that you need him to do some reconnaissance and find out what went wrong. (Make you a bet he already knows.)
I do fault for Liza for not agreeing to meet you and hash it out, but perhaps she’s too mad right now to sit across a table from you without overturning it. Hopefully your brother can help you discover why.
Sincerely,
Friend or Foe
Dear Friend or Foe,
I’ve been friends with my friend “Tracy” for over 8 years. While at times one could consider her to be very flaky, she has always been there for me when I need her, and vice versa. Last week, she planned a “girls’ night out” for the two of us and a few other friends. We all planned on meeting at a live music venue, an hour and half away for all of us. Just as I was arriving, however, Tracy—who had set the time for us to meet—texted me that she was going to be late. It was another two hours before she arrived, and we almost missed the concert! Even though I was annoyed, I‘d decided that I wouldn't let her lateness ruin my night. Then someone asked about the hickey she was sporting on her neck. Tracy then admitted that she’d been fooling around with her boyfriend, and that was why she hadn’t been on time.
I can understand being 10 or 15 minutes late, or even a half hour, but two hours? I think it was incredibly inconsiderate of Tracy to keep us waiting, and I feel really angry. But I don't want to lose her as a friend. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Not Willing To Stand Around Waiting for You To Get Another Love
Bite
Dear NWTSAWFYTGALB,
In extreme and chronic cases, lateness can be an act of aggression. Since this is a one-shot deal (so far), I suggest cutting Tracy some slack. She’s obviously gone ga-ga for Vampire Boy—and can only see as far as his navel (and other unmentionable parts). If it happens again, however, you’d be in your right simply to proceed to the concert/party/whatnot without her. Next time, you might also want to send a well-timed text message to the tune of “Hello?” (Perhaps with an accompanying photo of the four of you leaning against a wall, looking at your watches?)
If, in a few days, the matter is still irking you, go ahead and say something. I suggest a few straight-forward sentences along the lines of, “Hey, you know we almost missed the concert the other night because of you. We were standing there for, like, two hours.” If Tracy is a real friend, she’ll take the complaint to heart—and apologize (and promise to do better the next time). The fact that she was casually flaunting her love marks makes me think she never even realized how lame-ass her late showing actually was.
Sincerely,
Friend or Foe
Dear Friend or Foe,
A few years ago, I rolled with a group of young, hip, liberal ladies. Then I met a man, now my husband, who has put me back in touch with my religion and with the moral values that go along with it. The religion and the moral values for the most part stay out of the conversation, but when they do come up, my friends, including one—“Liz”—whom I would otherwise consider a very close friend, usually says something offensive about it and the people who practice it. I try to react in a judicious way that is true to how I identify with my religion, but it never works and the conversation turns awkward.
Other than that, I enjoy the conversation and the company I have with these friends. How am I supposed to react when they say something like that?
Sincerely,
Wishing My Friends Had the Same Revelation as Me
Dear WMFHTSRAM,
Keep wishing if you want, but it’s ain’t going to happen. Your friends and you are standing on opposite sides of a ravine. And nothing short of a new ice age is going to move you guys to the same side. That’s also the beauty of America. We’re all different, but we live as one. At least, in theory we do. The sad reality is that, as adults, we tend to seek out our own—not just in terms of religion or lack thereof, but color and political persuasion—not exclusively, but by and large. Find me an Obama supporter who’s close friends with a “birther.” (I’ll be amazed.)
You have two choices. Find new friends through your church and related institutions. Or keep the old gang and keep the conversation light. Just don’t expect any of them to “see the light.”
As for Liz, if her comments have become thorns in your side, you can take her aside and ask that the two of you agree to refrain from all discussion of your personal belief systems. But with prohibitions in place, the friendship might feel even more strained.
I’d like to reassure you that you’ll find a way. But I suspect that, as time goes on, you’ll be more inclined to hang with friends who see the world through the same prism of right and wrong as you and your husband do. Just remember that, between right and wrong, there’s a whole lot of gray area that none of us mortals are fit to pass judgment upon—not you, or Liz, or anyone else either of you know (unless you’re friends with the Dalai Lama or something).
Sincerely,
Friend or Foe
Lucinda Rosenfeld is the author of I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU: A Novel About Best Friends.
