Welcome to "Friend or Foe," a regular DoubleX advice column for your queries about the trickiest of all love affairs: friendships. Lucinda Rosenfeld, author of I'm So Happy For You, a novel about best friends, is now taking questions at lucinda@imsohappyforyou.com.
Dear Friend or Foe,
For most of my life, I’ve known a woman—“Prissy”—who has to have things her way, requires the undivided devotion and attention of men, and compartmentalizes her life to the point where, if it’s not convenient, I’m not part of her existence.
Since I have an expansive career, friends, and family network, this really hasn’t bothered me much over the past nearly four decades. In recent years, I’ve watched her three marriages and countless other relationships fail. She has developed (or feigned) a debilitating illness, yet she keeps a large garden and house immaculate and cleaned out her aging parents with cash to spare, despite being on the government dole for aforementioned illness. The final blow: When Prissy mentioned she had an overabundance of an indulgent fashion item of her mother's (whom I knew well in my youth), I said it would be nice to have one.
"Oh no!" Prissy replied, almost indignantly, "I plan to sell them all on eBay."
At that precise moment, the years and tears and crushed feelings resurfaced.
Since then, I’ve declined her telephone calls (she hasn't visited me for decades, despite living just a few miles apart). I’m neither wealthy nor fashionable—and I know things don’t make one happy—but I’ve worked very hard for all I’ve accomplished. And I would have appreciated a memento of her mom's vibrant youth.
My query: How do I deal with this persisting personality, who all her life has been pampered and prosperous, and with whom I no longer wish to be associated?
Sincerely,
Can’t Take the Lies and Snubs Anymore
Dear CTTLASA,
Wait, you’re telling me that you wept after Prissy failed to hand-deliver one of her mother’s frayed Chanel handbags? I guess I’m a little confused, since a) we’re ultimately talking about a piece of leather (or a fur coat or a diamond necklace) here; b) you say you don’t particularly care about “things,” and c) it belonged to her mother, not yours.
As for Prissy “cleaning out her parents,” since you’re not a member of the family, how can you be sure that her aging ‘rents didn’t bequeath all their cash and possessions to her in anticipation of their deaths? Nor do I see how Prissy’s three failed marriages constitute a blow to you. It seems to me that these are her own failures—and she should not be resented for them.
As for her “feigned illness,” if that’s really what it is, I agree it’s annoying to think of her receiving taxpayer handouts. (I have a friend who manages to elude Uncle Sam and it never ceases to irk me.) But, again, her failure to play by the rules is not really a personal affront.
Since you say you have such a full life, I suggest you get on with it—and leave Prissy’s to Prissy. If you really want a designer bag (or whatever it is), start a “mad money” account at your bank and deposit 50 bucks in it every month. At the end of two years, you’ll have bought your own. Even better, find out when Prissy is putting the goods up for auction, and get in there with an early, solid bid. Chances are you’ll get your memento, after all.
Sincerely,
Friend or Foe
Dear Friend or Foe,
I've been friends with "Sally" for eight years. When we were in college, Sally and I were really good friends, supportive and encouraging of each other. But ever since we graduated three months ago, she's suddenly become a mean girl.
She constantly competes with and insults me about everything—asking me how much I make and scoffing at the amount ("OMG—I'm in a different tax bracket from you?"), making fun of what I spend my money on ("Only you would spend that much money on a purse"), giving me backhanded compliments about what I wear ("Oh, that's cute—I wish I could wear something like that but I have to look good for clients"), and sabotaging my love life by telling guys I "sleep around." She has always been somewhat insecure with herself, but it seems that the last few months it's really taken a turn for the worse. I've tried talking to her about it, but she doesn't have any idea of what or why I'm bothered.
Why did my sweet friend change all of a sudden? Is there any hope for salvaging the friendship, or is it time to cut ties?
Sincerely,
How and When Did You Turn Into Such a b---- ?
Dear HAWDYTISAB,
I hereby grant you permission to dump. You’ve tried sharing your hurt feelings with Miss Meanie, and she refused to acknowledge their existence. Some college friendships are forever, their bonds forged freshman year over ramen noodles and romance-related hysteria, and never erased. Others are not. Maybe at some point in the future, your so-called friend will feel more secure in her world and return to being a nice person. Until that happens, Sayonara, Sally.
Sincerely,
Friend or Foe
Dear Friend or Foe,
A few years ago, I became friends with a girl—“Faye”—who moved to my city from a farming village to attend college and get some modeling assignments on the side. After her parents lost their income and couldn't provide for her as they did before, she was very distraught. Even so, she continued to live way beyond her means. She demanded VIP seating at the city's hottest (read: most expensive) clubs. Whenever her parents sent her a bit of cash they’d succeeded in putting aside, she'd blow it on cheap outfits or cocktails she couldn’t even name. Consequently, she'd be late on her rent and her power would get cut off. Sometimes, she couldn't afford to buy food!
So what does a true friend do? I lent Faye money and tried to get her a job. She wanted something in TV, so I got her an interview with this production company to do a series. She never showed up at the meeting. Then she was kicked out of her apartment and wound up on my couch. Then I got her an interview with a big network that was auditioning for a hostess of a weekly show. We (really, I) spent three hours completing her CV and cover letter. She got the audition but screwed it up and didn’t get the job. Funding from my wallet proceeded. I even found a partial scholarship for her to apply for. She filed late.
Then she started dating guys with money (and nothing else). She would liberally share with me her true motives, but she fooled everybody else, claiming to have fallen in love.
Before the holidays last year, I tried to organize a group trip with friends. Faye wouldn't give me an answer about whether or not to count her until the last day, when I had already cancelled all the reservations. Then, that same evening, she decided we should go to a neighboring town for three days. After I told her we couldn't just pick up and go, she wanted to know where my sense of adventure was. I went home pissed off and wouldn't take her calls. (Where was her enthusiasm when I was planning my trip?) At 11 p.m., I got a text from her saying, “Are we going or not? Also, I was wondering if I could borrow some cash for a bus ticket home."
I switched off my phone. After the holidays, she wasn't speaking to me. Suddenly, I was the bad, inconsiderate friend who had left her hanging. What do I do now?
Sincerely,
Tired of Being Used by a Manipulative Messed-Up Mooch
Dear TOBUBAMMUM,
Your friend Faye sounds very charismatic. I can see why you became friends with her. Who isn’t just a little impressed by any woman who can find the inner strength to choose fashion over food? I can also see that you voluntarily assumed the role of the woman’s guardian and savior. It is any wonder that, when money gets tight, she turns to you? After all, you’ve come through in the past—not just with moolah, but with job notices, scholarship applicants, free resume writing services, and even a gratis place to crash.
If you’ve suddenly decided you’ve had enough of playing Medici to her Michelangelo, you can’t expect Faye to have guessed at your change of heart (and wallet accessibility).
You need to sit her down, apologize for not answering her messages, and explain that you felt you’ve done her a lot of favors over the years—and that yet another request for money sent you over the edge. You might add that you wish Faye would sometimes do unto you (as you do unto her).
To be honest, I don’t really see the big deal about her “sense of adventure” comment. I suspect that it simply hit a raw nerve—the same one that tells you you’re a little boring, while Faye is exciting and glamorous (which keeps you glued, if not addicted, to this piece of work you call your friend).
If the two of you have a connection that’s deeper than her leaning on you, the friendship will continue. If your soft shoulder and hard cash were the only things keeping it going, don’t be surprised if you never hear from her again.
Sincerely,
Friend or Foe
Lucinda Rosenfeld is the author of I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU: A Novel About Best Friends.
Illustration by Jason Raish.
