Manage Your Life

Sunday, November 29, 2009

How does your husband's work-life balance affect yours?

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I think that one of the reasons my own work-life balance is so awful is that my husband's is nearly nonexistent.

He's a multimedia editor, which often keeps him up editing video until the wee hours of the morning or has him out covering events at night or on weekends. I'm a newspaper editor by day who juggles a freelance writing career at night. We work for the same company, and we're parenting the same five kids. But he's dealing with a wrinkle that I don't: As a man, no one really expects him to be struggling with work-life balance.

That's not to say that he doesn't struggle with it. Believe me, he does. It's just that, if he has to work late, it's assumed that I'll handle all things kid- and house-related. And I do. But if I have to work late, I always feel like there's a price to be paid.

And I know that's coming from within -- I'm the one keeping score, not him. Over at Sparkplugging's The Man Page, Derek Semmler asks working father of six Leo Babauta if women have a harder time achieving work-life balance than men. "Moms who work often juggle a lot more than dads do, as they often assume more of the home responsibilities (not necessarily, but more often than not)," he replies. (Moms who work from home, or who stay at home, have an even bigger problem, he points out: "Their work IS their home life, so there’s no division at all.")

It's not a new issue at all: A 2007 survey by Careerbuilder.com and reported by CNN found that 37 percent of working dads say they'd leave their jobs if their spouse made enough money to support the family, and another 38 percent say they would take a pay cut to spend more time with their kids. Their ability to do so has been affected by the economy's current downward spiral, of course -- but, then again, the economy is affecting working moms as well.

So, readers, I'm wondering (and I hope you'll tell me): How is your work-life balance, as compared to your spouse? Does he worry about it as much as you do? And how does his juggle affect your own?

Lylah M. Alphonse writes about juggling career and parenthood at The 36-Hour Day and Work It, Mom!, and blogs at Write. Edit. Repeat.
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Comments 1-8 of 8
  • Katie B's Avatar
    Posted by Katie B Tue Jun 23, 2009 1:59pm PDT

    Right now it's pretty much the same and since we don't have kids yet we don't really have to worry about it... Under normal circumstances we both have the same days off and he has more vacation time than I do.. and I will leave 30 minutes before he does and he will get home 30 minutes to an hour after I do... so right now it's not so bad... it most definitely could be worse.

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  • anonymous's Avatar
    Posted by anonymous Tue Jun 23, 2009 2:57pm PDT

    I am a Stay at home Mom who has a direct sales business on the side. My husband is a workaholic control freak who cannot delegate anything at work. He works an hour away from home, leaves at 7 in the morning, gets home around 7:30 or 8 at night, sees the kids for half an hour before they go to bed and then gets right back on his laptop until he goes to bed. His Blackberry is his leash and he is always plugged in. Meanwhile we (as in me and the kids) get no quality time and he doesn't see why it matters that he's on his computer every night if the kids are in bed any way. I "work" 24/7 because it's my "job." If he works late, I work late, if he is on a conference call, I'm "working". I get no break and I get no say in it because my "job" is totally dependent on his! He has no work life balance and thus, neither do I.

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  • opiniononly's Avatar
    Posted by opiniononly Tue Jun 23, 2009 3:50pm PDT

    My beloved SO works 60-70 hours a week because of what he does for a living. I just started a position which, for the first time in almost 20 years, does not require regular evening hours or Saturdays...and I am (finally) not in charge of a dept, division, program or project. I work a straight 40 hour week. I'm home hours before he is, go to bed before he does, am out of the house first and our time together is limited to Sundays. Our family and friends know that we have a standing grocery shopping date on Sunday morning and will rarely do anything that doesn't include each other for the rest of the day...and during football season, that includes watching the NFL network until all the games are over. Come over to watch footballand steaks on the grill, but don't expect much more. We both love the games.

    The quantity of our mutual home/life balance is limited, however, the quality of time we spend together is terrific. We play well together, play well with others, balance daily house chores with little, if any, hassle and know we spend time working in professions we love..which makes us happy as individuals and happy as a couple.

    Our work/life balance works for us. It's not broken, it doesn't need fixing...but a lot of folks don't understand it...and their opinions don't matter much to either of us.

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  • homecook's Avatar
    Posted by homecook Tue Jun 23, 2009 7:33pm PDT

    My husband does not juggle anything or feel guilty about his unavailability and would not know what I struggle with in my day to day, trying to be an involved parent, manage a family home, our social life and try to continue with my profession. He has his job, his need to be completely free of family demand and I am left "holding the baby" (well four kids...) almost all the time as he pursues his dreams.

    Hope the rest of you are doing better!

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  • Ashley's Avatar
    Posted by Ashley Wed Jun 24, 2009 5:05am PDT

    My boyfriend is working a 3 PM to 1 AM, Monday thru Thursday w/ Friday, Saturday and Sunday off(4 10-hour shifts) and I am working 7 to 3 or 8 to 4. Which only allows us to see each other on weekends. And, if I have to work a Saturday (It's rotational)... Then we only get 1 full day together before we get back to the work week. We do not have kids, which probably makes it a lot easier.

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  • SFgal's Avatar
    Posted by SFgal Wed Jun 24, 2009 2:09pm PDT

    I doubt it is a coincidence that you link to Leo Baubauta's blog the very day after I read a very inspiring story about him in an old issue of Psychology Today. I had thought about leaving that very article out where my husband can see it, in hopes that he'll find inspiration to make some changes in himself. I think women are much more likely to obsess about this stuff (sometimes to our detriment), and though I think my husband could definitely use a bit more focused self-awareness and healthier habits (he relaxes by smoking, drinking, watching sports, and reading mysteries) I also can take a cue from him about how to truly relax in the moment. Hopefully we will all figure it out. Nice post as always.

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  • Andrew Norris's Avatar
    Posted by Andrew Norris Wed Jun 24, 2009 7:51pm PDT

    The question of work-life balance is usually different for guys, but not non-existent. Guys are expected to be successful by society at large, just as women (who have kids) are expected to be good mothers.

    So as a guy, your options are: work harder than everyone around you to try to be successful and rise to the top (and never see your family), or leave every day, spend time with your wife and kids, and leave most of the advancement opportunities to the other guys.

    This is why so many CEOs, high-level politicians, and other hardcore high achievers end up divorced with estranged children -- their home life was the price of their success. The flipside is that guys who get in all the family time they can may find a comfortable salary, but they will rarely rise to the top of their profession.

    Most guys fall somewhere in between -- we want to be successful at our careers, but not so successful that we never see our families. So most of us will work more than our wives and see our kids less and do less housework (and feel guilty about all that), but also feel vaguely guilty at work as well, because we don't work nearly as much as that guy down the hall who's just a machine.

    None of this is to say "oh guys have the work-life balance thing so rough, women have it easy!" Even with all of this factored in, women still have it harder. But a lot of women don't realize that most men *do* care about work-life balance, it's just that the equation is different.

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  • Esther's Avatar
    Posted by Esther Wed Jun 24, 2009 8:20pm PDT

    I am a single parent now and am both the mother and father to my kids.When my husband was alive,nevermind what most men think .It is how both of us spend quality time with each other and with the children because sometimes his work requires erratic schedules .Being a farmer is not an 8-5 job,he is too busy during preparetion,sowing/planting etc.It takes most of his time but when the the plants are already surviving, he takes the time and be with us,takes all the opportunity to make up for his absence.cooking,cleaning washing entertaining etc.Thats why when he died it was such a loss.All of us miss him.So if I were you stop whinning,etc.learn to appreciate everything because life is very short.

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Comments 1-8 of 8

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