I need advice: My overspending is threatening my relationship

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  Posted by Adrienne C Wed Sep 17, 2008 9:52am PDT

  If you figure it out, let me know. I have the same problem. As a side note, compulsive overspending is often a problem many with bi-polar (on the manic side) has - it's related to impulse control, as I understand it. Might be worth looking into.

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  Posted by d Wed Sep 17, 2008 10:00am PDT

  There are several incredibly good books that can help with personal finacne...granted you have to buy them(!)...but they do help. Not only that, but there are several really good websites, that can help you set up a budget as well (google budgeting techniques!).

  It takes time, and is incredibly annoying when you first start out with it. I started my budget, at the beginning of the year. I too, couldn't help but buy the little things that I wanted...I mean c'mon, what's a dollar here or two there. But yeah, those add up.

  I decided that in order to keep straight on all my bills, I had to do something. I started out by keeping a notebook, every penny I spent, I wrote it down in that notebook, and I kept all my recipts. At the end of the month I would sit at the computer and do a spreadsheet. Start with major catagories, Car (this covers, maintenance, car note, insurance, gas), then Loans (mine is mainly student loans, plus two small loans from my parents) and Credit Cards. Then do other catagories that need to be broken down Household (food, beauty and apperance, clothes, magazine subscriptions). Just make sure that when you are making this out, you put all of your major bills on there, electricty, water, gas, plus all of your insurance, medical, car, dental. The first category on any budget though, should be yourself...don't give yourself $100, every week, but leave yourself a little play money. Start with keeping $40, but put $20 inyour wallet, and the other $20 in an envelope in an interior zipper pocket in your purse or wallet. Trust me, if you have to dig it out, your less likely to use it.

  After at least three months of doing this, you will see where your money is going. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that you can't indulge, I do indulge, but not as much as I was. I took the initiative to have my check split. I have $150 put into my savings account every paycheck. That leaves me just enough to get by until my next paycheck but my savings has more than doubled since I did that. Plus if you get in a major bind, that money is there if you need it, just don't rely on it.

  Budgeting is not fun. But once you figure out what you are doing and you see where you are spending your money it'll be easier to save that money to pay back your boyfriend, or buy a house/car. Try the Finance page here on Yahoo, there are several budgeting techniques on there.

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  Posted by Caramel Cake Wed Sep 17, 2008 10:12am PDT

  You sound like my twin, were we separated at birth? I have a man that is cheaper than cheap. When it comes down to spending , he don't. At least you guys have had a vacation, we have been together 3 years and haven't taken one yet. He always criticizes me on my spending. I am a yard sale junkie. I go every weekend to get name brand clothes from rich people who have just gotten tired of looking at them and sell them dirt cheap. And when I say cheap I mean $1, $2 cheap per item. Anyway, when I get back from the yard sales, he criticizes me all day long about all the bills we have, how we are never going to have anything because I like to go shopping. I feel like if I have bust my butt all week, why shouldn't I have that little pleasure every week? It's not like I'm spending thousands or something. I am with you girl. My advice to you is just sit down and tell him how things re going and about your spending habits. I did. I told my man that if he can't accept that I like to treat myself after working hard, then he can move on. It's not like they don't have special treats for themselves too. What's wrong with it? If you don't ahve enough to pay him back for everything why should you be afraid to tell him? This is your man, the person who said that he loves you unconditionally, if he can't accept you ,then who will? Once you state to him what is going on and be honest about the situation and he still doesn't understand, then he needs to kicked to the curb. He is using finace as a reson not to marry you. As long as you have a safe roof over your head, a car, atleast a little money in your account, your bills are being paid, don't stress yourself about this stuff. A husband is a man who understands and a boyfriend is a man who doesn't, you need to choose which one you want him to be.

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  Posted by Disgruntled Wed Sep 17, 2008 10:23am PDT

  You need to listen to the little voice that nags in your head. Sometimes feeling a little guilty is not a bad thing. That little voice in my head is what occasionally keeps me from buying a cute top that I don't need, or yet another tube of lipstick. Everyone is guilty of a little "retail therapy." However, you need to think about what you actually need instead of what you want at that moment.

  dac has given very sound financial advice, and I don't think I can improve upon it.

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  Posted by lena_abf Wed Sep 17, 2008 10:27am PDT

  Everything is will power!!! You can set aside the money that you need to pay the bill, don't touch the atm card, when you are going out shopping, just take a certain amount of money and nothing else. As for going to work, take maybe like $20.00 a day to cover for your "food" needs. If you think that your boyfriend is good enough for you to make that change than you need to prove it to him. Its not about "you" anymore, its about "us" and the future now, that's IF you want to get marry to him or any guy at all. Guys to me are afraid of girls that spend too much money and vise versa. But it's up to you.

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  Posted by Dena Wed Sep 17, 2008 10:32am PDT

  I think we all have done that at least once. My opinion? Be honest. That always works. If he loves you as much as you say he does, he will work through this with you and not expect you to do it alone. Keep us all posted. Good luck.

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  Posted by Ginnie Wed Sep 17, 2008 10:56am PDT

  You should call and get a financial advisor. I suggest Edward Jones or Cenntenial for people just starting out. They make you go through how much you get paid and where you spend it. They make you feel bad about useless spending,and it really helps keep you on track. They also teach you how to save money, and where you can spend less (ie which bills to pay off first, etc.) It is very very much worth it. Thats what I did, and it was a wide awakening.

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  Posted by ShortSweetie Wed Sep 17, 2008 12:55pm PDT

  Budget...Budget...Budget....You have to make one and stick to it. It is HARD and it takes much self-control, but it really will do the trick for you in the long run. If you start writing down every dime you spend, yes EVERY dime. Then you will see how much money you are simply spending on nonsense and that alone should be motivation enough for you to stick to your new budget. Good luck, and it is like breaking an old habit, hard to do!!

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  Posted by Wed Sep 17, 2008 2:58pm PDT

  There is no easy way to confront this, admitting you have a problem is the first step. Congratulations! Because I know how hard that is to do! Next you should explore your options, yes budgeting and looking at where the money goes could help, however, it sounds to me like you really need to see a therapist. I agree with what Adrienne C wrote, and as a daughter raised in a mentally ill family it seems that much easier for me to discern other mentally ill people, kind of like a magnetism so to speak. There could be severe underlying issues from your past that you haven't yet dealt with, that make you upset (subconsciously) and as a result you spend your money on trivial items that make you happy momentarily. If you have insurance, try your health insurance website for your local therapists or group therapies. If you don't have health insurance try looking to the government to help you out(there are alot of government sponsored clinics where group therapies meet) which cost little to no money at all.

  To make a budget you don't have to buy a book, it is as easy as creating a budget worksheet in excel, and/or you could download a template straight from the microsoft website; for excel; for FREE.

  If you have any questions, budgeting, I would be glad to help, just message me :)

  Hope this helps you on your journey to healing.

  Best regards,

  Robyn

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  Posted by Beth Wed Sep 17, 2008 4:33pm PDT

  I know you won't like the sound of it, but you have to give yourself some tough love. I felt the same way as you, and am paying for it now with some debt consolidation loans.

  First thing is first, make out a budget. Put down all your bills, how much goes towards them, and when they have to be paid.

  Then figure out how much money you bring home each month after taxes and what not.

  Then after that you should have an idea of how much money you have left over for food and play. What i do is I set aside half of the extra into the savings account and then withdraw the other half of the extra for grocery and play time.

  That way you know that bills are getting paid and you'll have even more extra money in your savings account for things like vacations.

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