Overcoming the Impossible

Anger. Hurt. Shame. These are some of the emotions I have felt this year. Regret is on the top of the list. Ever regret decisions that you have made? Ever feel like I should have, could have, would have, but I didn't? I would like to be able to say that all of the things that have not turned out the way that I want them to in my life are of no fault of my own but the truth of the matter is I am not perfect. But does that excuse the fact that I have made mistakes? When I think of words to describe myself I think of intellegent, loving, beautiful, down to earth, fun loving, open minded, kind, sharing, giving, understanding, confident, strong, courageous, honest. I would love to be perfect. I would love to be only those words that I mentioned to describe me. The truth of the matter is sometimes I have been otherwise. In my perfect world I am who I am people will just have to accept it. In the real world I face opposition and rejection. In the real world I suffer critcism daily and I don't like it! In the real world there are obstacles for me to overcome. The biggest one for me to overcome is myself. I can't control other people's belief system or their actions. The only thing I can control are my actions and reactions. I can try to prove someone else wrong only to have them prove me wrong. I can try to prove my point only to have someone make me out to be a liar. I can try to fight fire with fire only to get consumed in the flames. It's not worth my time or my energy. I believe I have so many gifts that God has given me to be my contribution to the world. I have to admit on many occasions I have lost my focus because I have had so many other things vying for my attention. People. I like to believe that I am a lover of people but what do you do when people don't love you? There is a thin line between love and hate when it comes to some people. Everybody has their standards of who is love worthy. If I love you, I care for you enough not to want to intentionally do anything to hurt you. If I love you I will have compassion on you. If I love you I will try to help you out if I can. I haven't hated very many people in my life. I have hated the way that I have been treated by some people but I have never hated people. I have forgiven people and have even tried to forget. Somethings stay deep down within and they can come back up to the surface when your under pressure. What do you do then? Sit in silence, speak your mind, turn away? How do you be the bigger person without feeling like a loser? How do you handle blatant betrayal, open disrespect, public humiliation? Do you just forget about it? Just like riding a bike you might not do it often but somethings you never forget. I used to deal with problems by trying to avoid problems in the first place but I feel like I'm running out of "places to run to". Facing my problems have been very painful for me. Especially if the problem is another human being. I have always tried to live my life smooth sailing. It's like dealing with a person who won't budge do you deal with them or do you move on? It's a hard pill to swallow but alot of people aren't trustworthy. I would like to trust that no person would ever want to do me harm, I would like to trust no person would ever want to take from me what I have worked hard for, I would like to trust that no person would ever lie to me or try to take advantage of me or misuse or mistreat me. I would like to trust myself to never make a mistake. I would like to trust my own judgement at all times. I would like to overcome the impossible.