Starting Over

When my Father died, i made a promise to myself, I would never be selfish again, ever. A childish promise that no one could ever stick to right? Still...3 years later and it eats away at me. I blamed myself for his death and i was so selfish while he was dying. I thought because i had wished him dead that it happened, and then once he was dead i realized how selfish that wish was. I had not only taked away my father the man i had hated at the time, but i had taken my mom best friend, her husband, the love of her life. I had taken my brothers role model, his dad, his world. I had taken a collegue, a good employee, a doctor, a man who saved lives. I had just stolen a loving son from his parents and a brother from my unlce. I realized only after he was gone what i had done. What i had taken from other people, and years later i would see what i lost from my own life. No one will walk me down the isle when i get married, no one will cry and say thats my daughter and you better take care of her. He didnt see me graduate and i wasnt able to hug him and hear him tell me how proud of me he was. I would never get to put my hand up to his and say "when will i get this big?". I have lost a piece of me, and 3 years later im reliving it now as i write this.
No i dont still believe i was the reason my father died, i have talked about it and no that one way or another god had a plan to take him and you cant say no to god about these things. Instead im remembering my promise, "be selfless". And honestly i look at myself and im ashamed that i have become the woman i am today. Is it sad to envy who i was 3 years ago. I wish i had the integrity and strength i did 3 years ago. i wish things had gone differently and i was still the selfless little girl i promised to be.
I have done so many people wrong in my life. I dont deserve any of the kindness they show me and i know that they deserve better. Yet here i am again being selfish and keeping them trapped in a friendship with me. All i do is make other people help me live my life. Im lazy and selfish, im mean and ungreatful, I play games with peoples heads and use whatever i can to get my way. I know im a monster and i know who i want to be...I just dont know how to change. How can you change who you are, without being fake? I want to be a better person, I want to be someone my dad would be proud of. I want to be someone I can be proud of. I want to be normal, smart, kind...everything you should be. I want to be able to describe myself as someone id want my kids to look up to if i ever had some. Instead all i see is a patheric girl. Trying to get attention and looking for the next person to play the bad guy in her life.
How can i change?