My husband's family is visiting for a few weeks, and I feel
like if I don't spend all my waking time with them they'll
be offended, but I just don't have time to put my life on hold
for three weeks to entertain them. What do you think? Is it all
right if I tell them, "Look I have a lot of work to do and
can't watch movies with you every night"?
This is a new situation for me, so I don't have any previous
experience to work from. It's not like we invited them over in
the first place and now have the obligation of entertaining house
guests. Let me explain:
My husband and I are living with his mom for a few months while we
save and look for a house. We live in the finished basement, but we
share a kitchen upstairs with my mother-in-law. My sister-in-law
and two of her children decided to visit, but she didn't say
when she was coming — just that she'd come when they could.
They drove up from Georgia to Virginia on June 2, giving us only
two days' notice, so I couldn't possibly have time to get
my affairs in order beforehand (I'm a freelance writer on the
side and am working on an article for a quarterly publication and
on a book — a biography that requires my continued updates to the
people involved in the process, so I really need my evenings to
myself to get this work done.) After being here for a few days my
sister-in-law decided she and the girls are staying until the 20th.
Three weeks! She is desperate to spend time with her 15-year-old
and 7-year-old and she wants my influence to help bring the
teenager out of her shell. She wants to watch movies every night
and go out to dinner often. On Saturday we drove to a touristy area
and stayed for the entire afternoon and evening and then all had
dinner together — and then watched a movie; on Sunday my
brother-in-law and his family came over to spend the whole
afternoon and evening. Last night we watched another movie. I
just don't have time for this! I'm not getting any work
done and can't face another two weeks of acting like I'm on
vacation when I'm not. They didn't come to visit my husband
and me, necessarily; they came to visit my mother-in-law and if we
weren't living in the same house we wouldn't be expected to
spend all this time with them...but we are, and I don't know
what to do about it. Like I said before, if they'd given me a
month's notice or so, I could've crammed all my work into a
few weeks' time and make a lot of progress and then had time to
spend with them. But they didn't, and so I couldn't.
When you have house guests who just show up practically
unexpectedly, is it rude to tell them, "Look, I'm not on
vacation like you are, and I have to work"? The really tough
thing is that I DO work outside of the house — 40 hours a week. So
I'm gone 10 hours a day, 5 days a week, and when I come home I
think they think my time is now all theirs, but I rely on the
evenings to freelance. I'm already at work all day, leaving
before they get up in the morning and not arriving home until 6:00
p.m. If I then shut myself off downstairs at the computer, I'll
hardly see them at all and really feel like I'm ignoring them,
and the kids especially will think I don't want to spend time
with them. What's worse is that I've already agreed to go
to the choir concert tomorrow night for the other side of the
family and go to a birthday party for that family on Thursday
night, so those evenings are already booked.
Any advice? Anyone else have a situation like this? Am I expected
to spend time with them? Just because I happen to be living in the
same house they're visiting, do the same rules apply both for
their true "host" (my mother-in-law) and incidental
"neighbors" (my husband and me)?
User post: Help! Longterm house guests are stealing all my time!!
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From the Community…
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Posted by Mon Jun 8, 2009 9:17am PDT
Report Abusetry and split it up spend some time with them and spend some time for yourself. everyone needs alittle time to themselves.
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Posted by Mon Jun 8, 2009 10:13am PDT
Report AbuseI recommend that you "work late" on some evenings and maybe stay at a cafe or other location where you can get some work done. It's probably your best bet since those people are being so intrusive with your time.
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Posted by Mon Jun 8, 2009 10:15am PDT
Report AbuseIt's totally okay for you to set limits on your time. You MUST get your work done, and I'm sure they will understand that. Just make your needs clear up front. What you could do is plan together what activities you really want to be included in and reserve some time for them. Suggest some activities they could do without you. Perhaps you've recently visited a local museum. They could go see the exhibit, and you could still hold a discussion about it over dinner without feeling clueless.
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Posted by Mon Jun 8, 2009 12:11pm PDT
Report AbuseYou can also try to write in the mornings. I'm sure if they are on vacation they aren't waking up early. I think that you are only assuming that they assume you can spend all of your free time with them though. They know you work, so you needn't feel bad about saying "I would love to watch the movie with you, but I have deadline I need to meet. How about saturday?" It would be rude to never hang out with them, but if they are expecting all of your free time, that is rude also. No one likes to see that much of anyone. If they are going to do something that doesn't interest you, like maybe the museum you've been to before. Offer to pick them up afterwards or something, so they can tell you all about it, while beforehand you got some nice quiet time to freelance. I love my family, but when I am on vacation I always have plans to do other things, I invite them sometimes, but I know everyone has their own life! =)
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Posted by Mon Jun 8, 2009 1:03pm PDT
Report AbuseDon't worry about spending time with them. I had the same thing happen to me. Relatives just stopped by and I just went about as I normally did. Just schedule a time you can hang out and play cards. Movies dont give u time to chat.( No way to bring a kid out of a shell)hmm wonder why she's there to begin with. Don't kill your self trying to be hostess. Kinda sounds like they are looking for a sucker. Don't let them push you around. Be gentle but firm, I'm sorry I already have plans how about friday?
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Posted by Mon Jun 8, 2009 1:32pm PDT
Report AbuseSean & SharonH: The teenager doesn't want to be here! She's on the phone all the time with her friends back home. Her mom is hoping to spend time with her as well as find out if anything's bothering her. She hopes I'll be able to find out. I think all that's bothering her is that she's 15 and wants to be with her friends, but I might be wrong. But you're right, watching the movies doesn't allow for talking. Still, that's what they want to do each night...
All this advice is good. I'll have to tell them in advance which times I'm available and then really get lots of work done during the other times slots.
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Posted by Tue Jun 9, 2009 7:41am PDT
Report AbuseThey are not your houseguests, they are your mother-in-laws. You can only feel overwhelmed and taken advantage of if you let it happen.
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Posted by Tue Jun 9, 2009 7:53am PDT
Report Abuseits HER mother she is visiting, not you, and its HER mother's house, not yours. therefore don't feel obligated and don't make it like they are being rude, when its HER mom's house, NOT yours.
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Posted by Tue Jun 9, 2009 11:59am PDT
Report AbuseIf you are really that worried about the sister-in-law having hard feeling toward you for not being able to spend all your time with her and her kids, let your husband (her) know. I may seem like a cheap way to get out of it, but he's her brother, it would proabbyl be easier for him to tell her, "look, she works all day and needs nights to write, so do you mind if a few nights it's just me hanging out so she can work?"
I have to do this sometimes with my fiance when his brother, unintentionally, over stay their welcome. It's just easier to hear it from the brother/sister, and it's easier for them to say it too!!
good luck!
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