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The column is so readable because it talks stuff few people are talking about. Like what happens to a heterosexual relationship when a woman suddenly becomes the sole breadwinner, what happens when someone who's used to office culture suddenly gets used to the rhythms of home life, how two people (one of whom is pregnant with twins) can avoid driving each other batty when suddenly confined to a 650 square foot apartment.
Like any good serial narrative, Love in the Time of Layoffs had a major plot twist this month: Marco is back to work, albeit in a freelance gig. Questions abound for interested readers. Will he keep the job? Will the couple inch back into their former patterns again? What will happen once the babies arrive in a few months?
Stepping away from Deborah and Marco and the column, their experience leads to the more general question of how to best support an out-of-work partner. For answers, I spoke to veteran career coach, Belinda Plutz, who speaks not only as a coach but from personal experience since her husband just went through almost year-long period of unemployment himself.
Below are Plutz's tips (many of which mirror the themes from Deborah's column):
Allow your partner a reasonable mourning period. Plutz's husband had worked for his company for 17 years. And just 6 weeks prior to his layoff he had been reassured that his job was secure. "He really needed to sit shiva for that job," she said. "People also need time to process the kinds of mixed messages from employers that are common in layoff situations."
Encourage your partner to write a letter or email (that will never be sent) expressing all the rage or other feelings created by the layoffs
Understand your finances. After meeting with their accountant, Plutz and her husband realized that the severance package would affect their estimated tax payments. "If we hadn't done that, we'd have been in terrible shape tax-wise," she said. Their accountant didn't even charge for the meeting. Even if you don't consult an accountant, take some time to figure out your new financial situation and how you're going to manage money during the job search period.
Learn the signs of clinical depression. And if you see them, and force, push, or cajole to get your partner professional help around it if necessary.
Push your partner to use all resources. If unemployment insurance, outplacement or any other resources are available, make sure your partner uses them. And realize that you should not play the role of daily monitoring the job search. (That's a good role for a job search buddy).
Recognize that a job search cannot and should not occupy all hours of the day.
Find things to do together that don't cost money or cost very little money. (Recession sex, anyone?)
Adjust your social expectations. Avoiding making plans with people who don't get that you might not be able to go out for a dinner at $40 a head.
Encourage your partner to help other people. This has loads of benefits: Helping others feels good, fills time, boosts self-esteem, and helps you know you're not the neediest one around.
Give help when it is asked for, and try not to give help when it is not asked for. When layoffs hit a couple, both people need to master a delicate dance. The laid off person needs to show her partner that she is serious about her job search efforts. At the same time the "supporting" spouse needs to figure out the right way to do that -- being supportive without hovering. Good communication is essential as what comforts some might aggravate others.
Have you been laid off or lived with someone who has been. If so, do you agree with this advice? Please chime in.
