West Indian Girl singer Mariqueen Maandig is
giving up her gig to marry Nine Inch Nails front man
Trent Reznor, her bandmates declared in August. WWE announcer
Lilian Garcia
announced her retirement Monday after 10 years
with the WWE Divas, trading the wrestling ring for a wedding ring.
And over at the StarTribune.com, a reader tells columnist Carolyn
Hax to put marriage before career because
"it really wasn't worth all the
sacrifices."
Which made me wonder: If you couldn't have both -- and if
finances weren't an issue -- which one would you choose?
I'm always surprised by the way marriage is touted as the
end-all-and-be-all for women, and by the way some people feel that
the only proper path to personal fulfillment begins at the altar.
"We agreed on one simple rule: For every time I said
"no" to my husband because of work, I'd say
"no" to my boss because of my husband," the
StarTribute.com reader explains. "I credit my husband for his
patience and the support I needed to recognize that career
advancement came at the cost of individual integrity."
One has to wonder: Did her husband follow a similar rule? Is his
"individual integrity" tied to marriage -- or threatened
by his career?
On the other side of the world, still-single Bollywood actress Rani
Mukherji says that false
rumors about marriage are ruining her career.
"Lot of filmmakers who approach me for roles start by asking
whether I am getting married. They have apprehensions whether I can
commit myself to their project," Mukherji explained in an
interview.
And therein lies the crux of the problem: No matter how far
we've advanced, or how well we can juggle, there's still
this assumption that a woman who is committed to her husband and
family can't be equally committed to her job. And vice
versa.
Are more women agreeing with the assumption? Or are we just
becoming more aware, thanks to entertainers who go the either/or
route? "Clearly, there are women who believe that this is the
best route for them and have made arrangements with their partner
to pursue a full-time dedication to the household and family,"
Jessica Ashley writes here at Shine.
"But other than the requisite Housewives of Pretty Much Every
Metropolitan City, we don't see these women in the spotlight
very often."
Would you leave your career for your marriage? What if one
or the other was on the line?
Lylah M. Alphonse writes about juggling career and parenthood
at The 36-Hour Day
and Work It, Mom!,
is the Child Caring columnist
for Boston.com/Moms, and blogs
at Write. Edit. Repeat.
Your marriage or your career?
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From the Community…
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Posted by Fri Nov 13, 2009 11:24am PST
Report AbusePersonally, I would give up my career for my marriage and my family... I know that sounds archaic, but I only care to learn and I don't need to be in on a career path to learn... Even right now, I am struggling with the decision.... because we want kids and I just don't want to only be able to spend 4 hours or less a day (during the week) with my kids and my husband and then having to divide that between all of them, the chores and the homework that will need to be done (help or no help), as well as, all the extra-curricular activities they will want to participate in. But I am a family oriented person that has come from a family oriented family, so that is a large reason why I feel this.
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Posted by Fri Nov 13, 2009 11:28am PST
Report AbuseI would do my best to make my career and marriage work harmoniously. It can be done. Especially if you have a spouse who is willing to adjust as well in order to get things accomplished. We have celebrities here as an example, but they lead other than normal lives anyway, so in order for these marriages to work, both parties need to be completely devoted to each other. I would never sacrifice something that makes me happy and is part of who I am for anyone because If I did that, I would turn into a monster.
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Posted by Fri Nov 13, 2009 11:42am PST
Report AbuseEW does make a good point, so I would like to clarify a bit more... I do not feel a career is who I am nor does it make me innately happy... I enjoy working but it's not a big part of who I am... in fact I hate being stuck in a cubicle from 8 to 5 every Monday through Friday (though the M-F part is great) and not going anywhere... now if I had something flexible (perhaps working some in the office and some at home) that would be a different story... However, my family is what makes me the most happy, that is why I would make the choice I would... because my concern and happiness is more with my family.
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Posted by Fri Nov 13, 2009 11:43am PST
Report AbuseI put my marriage first. I married the love of my life and being a good wife and Mom are the very most important things to me in my world. That being said I would put as much money aside from other things (like Ebay) as possible so I can contribute to our household's financial needs and have some money to support us if my husband decided not to, or was unable to do so.
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Posted by Fri Nov 13, 2009 1:40pm PST
Report AbuseI don't believe in putting your career on the backburner for your family, but you may need to make sacrifices, especially if your husbands job is the prominant one in the relationship. I still work with a husband and kids, but know I need to be the most available parent because of what my husband does for a living. And it works for me. It may not work for everyone. But to give up your career and identity for a husband is a no no.
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Posted by Fri Nov 13, 2009 1:45pm PST
Report AbuseSince I have trust issues, I would not give up my career for my marriage. There has to be a happy medium. I don't have any children so it would be silly for me not to work while I am semi-young and able.
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Posted by Fri Nov 13, 2009 2:11pm PST
Report Abuseyou cannot be fully committed and give all of yourself to two different worlds. if you choose to have both, it is a choice to never give yourself fully to either. some women are happy to make sacrifices in each area in order to have a foot in both areas. some women choose to be fully involved in a career. some women choose to be fully involved in marriage and family. none of the three paths are wrong, and none are superior or inferior. it is just as wrong to limit women to outside the home as it was 60 years ago to limit women to inside the home. it's up to each woman to decide what fulfills her and what is best for her, and not up to the rest of us to judge that decision.
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Posted by Fri Nov 13, 2009 2:30pm PST
Report AbuseI was always the career first, don't lose yourself/ independent woman... and then I had my daughter 10 days ago. I've realized that if I didn't have to work, I wouldn't. Not because I'm "sacrificing" for my relationship but because I genuinely want more time with her than the 8 weeks maternity leave I get. I think about the 40 hours a week I give to my job M-F vs. the 15 I'll give to my daughter when I get home before she falls asleep and none of it seems worth it. My job will want more of me when my daughter is who deserves more.
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Posted by Fri Nov 13, 2009 3:19pm PST
Report Abusei think a marriage can work with both parties pursuing their careers as long as there are no children involved. When it's just a couple there is more flexibility and room for both people to explore outside passions. As adults, you can support each other and pick up the slack when either person is involved in an intense project. And as adults you have the ability to recognize that your spouse loves you and appreciates who you are even if one or both of you is busy with other things. But once you have kids, one of you should take a step back from your career so that at least one parent is consistently around to nurture and care for the child. i'm all for the male in the relationship to be the person to step up and care for the children if that's an option and if that is what both parents would like. but i'll never understand why people have kids just so they can send them off with a nanny all day and let other people raise them so that they can be "fulfilled" by their career.
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Posted by Fri Nov 13, 2009 4:00pm PST
Report AbuseI gave up my career and the only thing that makes me regret it is when people bash me for being a stay-at-homer. Then I second guess myself.
I cannot imagine me being as good in any career as I am as a stay-at-homer. I read all the kids text books and assignments, keep my home clean, balance the books for our business, etc.
Honestly, I don't see how one can work full-time and be the best parent you can be and best wife you can be.
Just my input, doesn't mean you have to agree.
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