Should I be offended when someone says I talk like a guy?

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By Nataly Kogan, from Workitmom.com

A few days ago I had a lunch meeting with a business contact, a guy. (Yes, I think his gender is relevant.) We talked about a few issues I needed his help with and when our lunch arrived he said something that startled me:

“You know, you talk like a guy. If I didn’t know you were a woman, I’d think I was working with a man.”

I think he saw the puzzled look in my eyes after he said this because he went on to clarify that in his experience, few women are as direct as I was in our interactions. He told me that he works in an office with many women and he is not used to dealing with someone like me.

I honestly don’t know if I should have been offended, flattered, or something entirely different. Yes, I am direct when I talk about work or business. I try not to start sentences with statements like “I am not sure…” or “This might not be the right thing, but…” or pose something as a question when I want to make a point. I wasn’t always like this and I’ve done my share to prove right the many stereotypes that exist about women at work. But years of working with mostly men taught me that how we communicate is critical to our success at work and I’ve tried to learn something from the opposite sex. (I’ve never met a guy in the business world who started a sentence with “This might be a stupid idea…” but I’ve done this myself and have heard many women do this.)

On the other hand, in retrospect I think his comment was a bit ridiculous.We’re not friends or long-term colleagues — we’ve only met a few times. I am pretty sure he thought he was paying me a compliment, but it was one that made huge generalizations about women in the workplace — however true this particular one might have been.

What do you think? What would be your reaction to a comment like this?

Nataly Kogan is the co-founder and CEO of Workitmom.com, an online community and helpful resource for busy moms.

Check out Nataly's recent posts on the Work It, Mom! Blog:

Sandwich Generation: I am not there yet but I feel the stress

Telling the truth about parenting to my childless friends

From the Community…

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Posted by Billie Mon Jul 21, 2008 9:00am PDT

No one has ever said that to me directly but I know it from the interactions with the men I used to work with. I worked in a male dominated field for quite some time and I don't frazzle easily so of course, the men would talk to me as if I was one of the guys. When other when happened to be in the picture they would certainly watch their mouths though.
So yeah, the generalizations where certainly there. When I was younger I thought it was cool that I was not included in their perceptions but as I grew older I realized that hey, I am a woman and they are still talking badly about my kind!
To this day I still have a hard time talking "like a woman" but I no longer take the generalizations lightly.

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Posted by jules Mon Jul 21, 2008 9:28am PDT

I guess I wouldn't be of much help. As a construction manager, I take it as understood (and as a compliment) that I speak and behave like the men in this business. It's a man's industry, and I don't think that it is a place for women who are too sensitive about being female. It's always very obvious that I am a woman, but it's also obvious that I'm strong-willed, confident, and professional. They call me 'tough'. I don't think you should be offended at all. The guy was paying you a compliment.
And yes, Billie, guys talk badly about "our kind", but certainly no more than we all talk to them. It's a joke to think otherwise. Why be offended by something we all know is common knowledge? It's not like men don't still respect us.

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Posted by Caramel Cake Mon Jul 21, 2008 10:22am PDT

I have had a few men say that to me. I took it as a compliment. It just means that you are just more in tune than most women.

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Posted by peganbarwench Tue Jul 22, 2008 7:25am PDT

I too work in construction and am concidered tough by the guys who for the most part have great respect for me, yet do treat me or talk with me like i was just another one of the guys! And yes, they do speek different around other women who they do not know, than the way the do with me. However, this is because I make it very clear I am there for a job, horsing around at tiems make s the day go faster/better and they do not say anythign to me that they do not with one another! They are not harrasing me any more than the next guy who walks in the job trailer door would be! I frankly love it and have been told amny tiems I am like them and to me it is a big compliment, just as I know they mean it to be! My best friends are men and they have said this is exactly what they mean by it, so I know it is true because I trust those men fully!!! Enjoy it for what it is! But, do not ever forget you are woman either! ;) You can still be feminine yet belong in a mans world at the same time.

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Posted by seagaljm8 Tue Jul 22, 2008 7:46am PDT

Abosolutely Not! I would take it as a compliment. As men get the higher pay for the same job a women would do, I think it would be a great asset and level the playing field.

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Posted by dimples Tue Jul 22, 2008 7:58am PDT

they do not only say i talk as a man, bot act like one. i am a student and i love being independent... and so i work as much as i can. sometimes i feel guys are scared of me.sometyms i feel bad about that, other times, i don't give a hoot!

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Posted by superkate Tue Jul 22, 2008 1:10pm PDT

I guess a compliment. Maybe for him it was a way to show respect in a business sense.

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Posted by freda Tue Jul 22, 2008 11:59pm PDT

I think women should like this whatever the words is a compliment or others.
Job is job, life is life,it need u to show ur differences.
Particular in successful female,they must know their roles in this moment and they are always better than others on knowing how to transfer from one role to another .

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Posted by Susie Wed Jul 23, 2008 5:43pm PDT

He probably meant it as a compliment. In my department at work, the manager who hired me was a male, and he was soooo cool. Everyone liked him, everyone was happy. Then we had two female managers and they both SUCK! They're EVIL. They're snarky, two-faced, bitchy. Guys are more straight-forward, mean what they say. This one poor soul is in the manager's office at least once a week for all these "follow-up" meetings because she was "insubordinate" to her lead. If she had a male lead, he probably never would have considered her "insubordinate", because all she did was stand up for herself to her female lead, which is what guys usually do anyway, right?

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Posted by hammysonata Wed Jul 23, 2008 7:45pm PDT

I find this "compliment" odd and inappropriate. I'm a visual artist and if anyone ever said that I "paint like a man" in a complimentary way, I'd take that as an implication that other painters who are women just don't have the same "natural" abilities as men. This is obviously untrue. This type of mentality would be okay from a 1940s film noir movie, but not in 2008.
What he said wasn't the worst thing ever said or anything, but I would rather be complimented for the quality of my work itself.

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