first i start by saying that for many months now i have been trying to fined a place where i could write my thoughts, ideas, and feelings. i have titled this piece "coming into my own," because i am now living for me.

           When i wake up tomorrow i am not waking up the same person. i am nineteen years old and it is time for me to grow up and start making decisions. i am with a guy that deep down i don't want to be with. i stayed so long because i didn't think to highly of myself to begin with. don't get me wrong its not an abusive relationship be no means, but it is one with no love. i want to love him because i want to be loved by him. there was no connection even though i wanted so bad for one to be there. when we had sex we were miles away from one another, distant even though our bodies were so close. i have come to realize that it is him, not i that needs to do better in this relationship. he is very self absorbed and does not care to listen to others feelings. i want to be through with him but i have a fear. that once i let go completely i will have no one. that i will be alone and have no where to Lay my head down at night. 
          For so many years i have been caught up in TV land. the professional woman that has no personal life, that goes home to that cold bed. the only warm thing in her life is the shower she takes before she goes to bed. thinking that if i wanted to be successful. then that the type of life i would have to live. so i had alienated everyone while in high school. thinking that is was all "advanced of me" to be all non-emotional, and serious about my career and about myself . boy how wrong was i and it has hit me now.  that the time for me to be all non emotional and dedicated 1000%,  is right now. i have realized that i will have to be alone for a while, to make time for personal growth and professional growth. when it is time for me to be with someone it will be the right time and for the right reasons.

         i am finishing up this semester that i have completely botched. i will though start again next semester with the goal in mined and the finish line in sight. for tonight i have "come into my own."