I don't get why my craving for death is so imense, given there have been rocky times in my life as with any life. I find it funny how I will sit and write myself to death and laugh at it. I am officially dead weight, why the hell am I here? I've tried to get better really I have for my son I tried I try but f*ck two years of hard work down the drain with a sip of ipecac and self hatred. I broke a mirror today I saw my reflection, had to make myself throw up. Just wanted my mom to love me like she does her blood children. I'm not beautiful like her, my eyes aren't blue, my body isn't perfect, my whole person isn't as graceful as hers. But she was born lucky, I still love her. She looks upon me as filth, I am not allowed to love women, I must be with a man, the thought of my lips touching another mans again makes me want to vomit up every organ in my body. It disgusts me to think of having a man touch me again the way that ba5tard once did. So tired I am, mother dear hates her child, but looking back I guess I'm not, I am what they call a ba5stard child, born out of wedlock, somehwat unwanted and thrown onto the woman who tries to make me her. I can't be her, I'm not perfect. lol, hilarious isn't it, I can't be what I'm supposed to be or what I want to be, I can do what I want to do I so f*cking depressed, do I die now??? my desicison only I will face the concequences yes I love my mother, I love my son, but the feelings aren't so mutual.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Do I Die now????
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From the Community…
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Posted by Mon Aug 3, 2009 10:56am PDT
Report Abuseok emo, you need help. talk to your doctor, go to an ER, whatever...just get help, please... for you, not your insensitve mom or even for your son... for you.
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Posted by Wed Aug 5, 2009 7:19pm PDT
Report AbuseThe thoughts of death are normal for some people but they never act upon them. It is part of the cycle of a depressed personality. With the abuse of your childhood you are left with an empty space you don't know how to control. When you get lost in that space the thought of death is a "means of thought" that YOU employ to try and escape. You have great courage to face this battle of thought. I learned this a few years ago myself and the battle continues. I am getting stronger bit by bit.
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Posted by Fri Aug 7, 2009 9:16am PDT
Report AbuseDear Too Tired To Fight,
I have been depressed in my life, and so I easily recognize the same thing in you.
You have had some bad life experiences, which could not help but stay in your memory and, whenever you recall them, disturb you.
But, you can control the degree to which they disturb you. You can focus on better events in your life, past and present. You do have the power to re-direct your attention whenever you find yourself thinking about the bad things.
An ancient Greek philosopher, Epictetus, said in the fifth chapter of a book called the Enchiridion: "Men are disturbed, not by things, but by the views which they take of things."
This is a profound truth, which, if you take it to heart, can save you from a great deal of grief. As terrible as the things that happened to you in the past may be, they are not causing your present suffering: it is the VIEWS you take of them--the way you think about them--that does this to you. You have the power to CHANGE your way of thinking, to ALTER your views. Changing your thinking will change your feeling.
As to life and death--life is the great gift. You call yourself dead weight? Are you able to see a rainbow? Then you are a miracle: that rainbow exists only because you see it, and it has meaning and beuaty through your eyes, in your heart.
You are a human being, the least of which is a wonder in the universe. Love yourself, and love your life, not for anything you can do greater than the miracle of being able to see a rainbow. And a sunrise and a sunset. And the stars and the moon. And every other thing of beauty that greets your eyes and lives through your eyes in your heart.
You can hear music; birdsong; the laughter of children, friends, and loved ones. The wind whilstling through trees. You are a miracle. You are life. Life lives in you, and through you the whole world lives, in your mind and heart. Love yourself, for you are the whole world living in one precious life, yours.
Enjoy and extend all your senses to this wonderful world of which you are the living center. Death will come when it will come; do not desire it, do not rush it. Avoid it whenever possible. Then, when the dark wing casts its shadow on you, say to God: "Father, into your hands I commit my spirit." I hope and pray that God will give you new life afterwards, as I hope and pray the same for myself.
It may not always be easy to change your negative thinking. But it is always possible. I pray that you will, for you are unique and special and wonderful. Claim that truth for yourself, and every time you awake to the world, say: "This is the day the Lord has made; I will rejoice in it, and be glad."
Bye now.
--PWC
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Posted by Wed Dec 2, 2009 9:31pm PST
Report AbuseSweetheart,
Read your own words. You have a wonderful talent for expressing your thoughts. You are a GIFT, not dead weight. If the people around you don't value you, it is their loss, because they are missing out on a treasure.
Get out once in a while, find things you like to do, and friends who are genuine.
And please, find someone to talk to about how you feel and about the abuse. You need someone who can help you work through the pain from the physical AND the emotional abuse you've endured.
Your son needs you - you certainly don't want your mother raising him after the way she did you. Stay here for him. Let him see how brave and strong you are. You can do this.
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