What do you truly think about me? Not that it’ll affect my way of life for the most part. Well, that’s not entirely true. We are all affected to some degree by what ‘society’ puts pressure on us to do, act, behave, think, dress, etc. So let me explain…

I’m a transsexual woman. There, I said it. I shouldn’t have to be afraid to say this simple fact, but the truth is that I am. There are too many people who would hurt me or discriminate against me for simply being who I am. But where do transsexuals stand in society? Is society ready for us? What do they truly think of us? I suppose you need to know more about me before you can say one way or another. So here’s my story.

Physically I was born a biological male, but my psychological gender was definitely female. According to my doctor and psychiatrist I was born with this condition (Gender Dysphoria). I remember wanting to play with the girls in elementary school who either played jacks, hop scotch or Chinese jump rope during recess. I was gravitated to them and their activities. But when I tried to play with them, I would either be rejected by the girls or pulled away by the boys to play some chase or ball game on the field.

I was fascinated with my neighbor’s horse doll collection and wished I could play with those. But again, I wasn’t allowed to. We did play “Dr.” or “House” occasionally, and that was always fun for me. I also remember wearing my mom’s shoes around the house, and then promptly being teased for that. I never did that again.

It was clear to me at an early age that I needed to hide this from everyone. I became a great actress. I copied boys and other guys I knew. I was always a follower. I never had a lot of friends as a result of this I’m sure. I honestly thought I was a ‘freak’ for feeling like this. I didn’t think I was normal and I felt like I was the only person in the world who felt this way. I couldn’t dare tell anyone about this so I suppressed it, hid it, pretended, etc. As I got older, I kept myself extremely busy to keep my mind from thinking about it. This was my coping mechanism. At least it was a productive one rather than a destructive one.

I made the classic mistake of trying to compensate for this. Some do the extreme opposite of what they truly feel inside and dive heavily into the typical “macho” roles such as sports, military, construction, etc. Some, like myself, try to find some sense of purpose in life that would make this go away. I thought, as many other transsexuals thought, that if I found someone I loved… who loved me, then that would cure this. I honestly thought this would work. So I got married. I do love her more than anything in this world, but apparently ‘love’ couldn’t cure this. I saw myself in a deep depression which hurt my marriage and I could easily see myself heading down that path towards suicide.

Today, I am fully transitioned and about to have “the surgery” in a few weeks. My wife is fully supportive of me and does not blame me for this. We are closer now than we’ve ever been before but unfortunately, we will eventually divorce. We are sad about losing the marriage, but happy we are gaining a best friend.

I am NOT a flamboyant cross dresser, drag queen or street walker in skimpy clothes trying to pick up customers for money. I am a respected Health & PE teacher who was embraced with full support by the entire school community when I officially transitioned last year. I am a beautiful partner, daughter, sister, friend, niece, aunty...etc with a heart of gold. But most importantly, I am happy!

For all intents and purposes, I live and dress as a typical woman my age in my community. If you saw me, you wouldn’t have guessed my past at all. I could pretend and hide my past very easily because I was blessed with the features I have. In the trans community, this is called living in “Stealth.” However, I don’t want to hide anymore. I don’t want to go from one closet to another. The past, at least in cases like mines, will always catch up to you eventually and living in fear of a past like this is not ‘living’ at all in my opinion. But at the same time, I don’t feel obligated to announce it to the world like a “Scarlet Letter” either.

I realize that a lot of people will not accept me, which to me is very sad. I tend to get the most criticism from those hard core religious types. But I do have a lot of love and support from everyone in my immediate life, which helps to keep me positive and is a wonderful thing to have!

There you have it. This is me. I guess I’m looking to see where I stand in society as I begin this new phase in life so that I know how much work I have to do to fight for the rights of people like myself.

~Nina~