Its getting harder to fall asleep..

I've wanted to be a model since I was about 3. When I was 11 or 12 my mom got me in to acting.. Which I still hate today. Ever since then I've lacked the motivation to pursue a modeling career. Idk why.. It seems like I lack motivation for everything except the relationship I'm in. I love it. And I'd do pretty much anything for it. So I guess I owe it all to him that I got the motivation to start doing something with my life, that is actually what I want to do.

I'm stressed out. I'm waiting for a reply to a model application I sent earlier today. On Friday, my application to SuicideGirls was accepted. I wasn't so sure it was for me. Posing nude and the fact that I don't have any tattoos or piercings would hold me back from being successful with that. I was both happy and discouraged that their contract turned out to be way too strict.

I think the stress is really driving me crazy. Its making me worried about everything.. Even the things I never worried about before.. Like other girls that wanted my boyfriend. Before it was so clear that he had obviously picked me over all of them for the past 2 years. For some reason I just want it to be more clear to them. Or just this one in particular. I often need someone or something to direct my frustration at. I don't think its so bad. But it does create a ton of unnecessary stress and dull pain in my lower back.

I hope I get that job. I need the experience..the pictures to build a portfolio..and the money. I also hope she goes away and gives up. Maybe then I can just put my stress into working harder on my modelling future. I just wish I knew how to do that.