Lost

well to make things simple and easy i think i love this one guy.even though he cheated on me and sadly i cheated on him we still decided to date knowing what we both did was wrong.i dont honestly know if truthfully he loved me.but i didnt think that i loved him and that i was just being a silly little kid caught in some stupid romance dream.but looking back on all the memories and the s--- we went through.it makes me cry and smile at the same time.the taste of his lips, the look in his eyes, his gentle touch,etc, just everything i couldnt help but love about him.i mean it really f--- ed me up when he dumped me and told me to stay the f--- out of his life.yet i told him to do the same.he got arrested because he went pass his probation curfew.he was talking about running.even though i was getting drunk i told him that it will only make things worse if he does it.come to find out he did stay and waited for them to come and get him.my drunk ass self took myself to the front to see him and i gave him a hug and said be good and i walked off.as soon as he was off that one day i get a text from him saying hey whats up. honestly i thought it was some sick joke or his mom trying to be a b---- .yet my curiousity got in the way and turns out it was really him.he was being nice to me again...and it felt weird.i love talking to him.i strangely love sitting on the phone listening to him 'sing'(scream),or just sit there while he listens to music or just all of the above lol.ive gotten so use to it that i enjoy listening to him.im a f--- n weirdo but for some reason i always think that something is wrong with him.and i know im right but he wont admit it.i even enjoy just being around him.its funny how last friday if he ever came up to me alone someone would come and stand with us.he is probably tryin to do the same stupid s--- as before...i dont know.but the truth is i love him for all of his flaws,personality,the way he looks,dresses and even subjects he is into and so much more.he makes me happy and knows how to when im having a bad day.he really knows what to say to make me smile and even laugh.i enjoy talking to him and learning even more about him than i knew before.i dont know how he feels or even what he's thinking.this friday im deciding to walk to the mall with him, alone.its weird that im nervous about walking with him.i guess the fact im scared he might try to use me,or mess with me, f--- me up if you will.i dont feel like getting hurt.yeah he broke my heart and yet i still forgive him for that.we both lied but even sometimes we lie to keep the ones we love because maybe we dont know how to react to the fact they lied.lately ive been thinking of everything that happened between him and i.maybe he does give a damn about me...maybe he doesnt.but who knows what he is truly thinking in that lovely thick headed skull of his.in my mind i guess is some sort of obsession with him(in a manner of speaking).i cant stop thinking about him no matter how hard i try,everything i do,smell,touch,when laugh,smile,cry,get pissed off,etc,etc, only he comes to  my mind right afterwards.i think about all the conversations we had and the deepest secrets i told him.i trusted him with all my heart.looking into his eyes i couldnt help but smile.i remember the times we were at his house and his grandma would make us food.how'd i watch him play call of duty.or him sitting on his computer as i did my homework.when his cousin would be over and they would talk in slovakian and mess around with me.even at the mall just last friday he said something in slovakian and im like wtf?and apparently he is saying that i am the most beautiful girl or some s--- like that i forgot something to do with me being beautiful.anyways, when we went to the beach and the time i snuck him over to my house and we hung out lol.the 4th of july.the duncan crisis.the party crisis.the accusing of cheating.getting drunk.he saw me me at the stupidest of times.

regardless of everything that has happened.
i still love him more than ever.yes i would date him again.yes i would marry him.yes i would live with him.yes i could trust him again.
i love him.
yet,idk what to do...
friends say move on,i say move on.
but im too afraid TO move on.i have an idea of why and what and who.but other than that im pretty much clueless.