My current status

Sometimes I feel so lonely, I spend pretty much all day by myself, and you know sometimes you just feel a little down about it. I do try to do things,but there isn't much you can do with no money. When people talk about being broke, most of them truly don't know what broke is. I mean if you were me you would understand. I have like been basically living off my credit cards for the past year and if I didn't have crediat cards I don't think I would be writing this right now. My credit score is s---, I had an excellent credit score only like 50-75 points away from the highest credit score, but because I keep spending and am so close to my spending limits, I no longer have good credit. I have a credit score so low that it is only better than 30 percent of the U.S. credit cardholders. I went from bing better than 90 prcent to 30 percent, that sucks so bad. I wish I could change that, but now in life it seems like I can't. my biggest concern in lie right now, is finding a way to survive. I have like 120 in my bank account and about 420 left before I reach my credit limit. I have a 500 dollar prescription decutible to meet, a 500 dollar doctor's visit deductible to meet, and a 500 dollar specialist deductible to meet before my insurance covers anything. July was my birthday and every year when everyone else is happily celebrating I find it hard to because my insurance premium goes up every July. My birthday is July 12th and my new premium is due July 1st, so it puts a damper on my birthday. I dread the increase in my monthly premium every year and  also meeting my yearly deductible before I can get insurance coverage I must pay full price. And then you have to deal with doctor's offices who don't want to accept your plan because it is a non-allowed amount an amount they cannot charge you, but I hear that these state plan are government subsidized. Someone was telling me that a lot of time government subsideis take a long time to be recieved, but even still they are mad at the wrong person, I think we are both mad at the same person. I don't hate the fact or I am not upset at the fact that I am a type 1 Diabetic, just frustrated and upst with the way the current healthcare system works. Now the only thing I get scared about is the fact that without insulin I could die. I haven't work since last November and I only had like 200 dollars saved up then. I haven't been able to find a job and over the past year I worked a seris of temporary positions. Oh yeah I did do work study in the spring, but I only made enough to meet my weekly transportation needs and had 20 dollars left over, to put towards anything else I might have needed. Being a diabetic is expensive espcially through my state sponsored plan MHIP (Maryland Health Insurance Plan), which is ranked as being about average, there are some state plans that do not cover pregnancy care or mental health issues for people in the state sponsored plans. most of which who hav pre-existing medical conditions. In Maryland we have medically underwritten plans which means that if you don't have insurance through place of employment you will be in the denied coverage in any plan in the open market besides the state sponsored plan if you have a medical condtion not fair, but hey life's not fair. I say that this is a form of discrimination because it leaves people with medical condtitions not many options for healthcare and these are people who usually cannot go without medical insurance, so in a way it feel like it's our governments way of killing people. This is just my opinion of course. So what will I do? I said to myself the other day Michelle you are a beautiful girl in okay shape, do you want to di a painful slow death or live. Some people say it sounds grim I am being pessimistic, but the truth of the matter is that I am insulin-dependent, without insulin I will die. If I can't afford it, then I guess it's like you gotta pay the cost to live, or die. It scares me I am afraid and there's no telling how quickly it can take for someone to die without medication, you can die in 24 hours or days or weeks, no one can tell, and that's scary, i just think I would be upset if I died without accomplishing anything in life. I asked myself am i so proud that I will allow myself to die. I think I rather live without my pride that die with it. So I am willing to do whatever I can to keep myself alive and it really doesn't matter to m whther or not I want to do it because I want to live so bad, that nothing to m can be worst than dying.Coming from me it sounds funny I guess if you know me because last month and plenty of months before that I was trying to die, trying to kill myself, take my life. Last month I was so upset one night I couldn't see clearly and I grabbed a night and took a bath. I laid there trying to stab a knife in my throat and slit my wrist, but the knife was so dull. I was so upset and I made a plan for the next week to kill myself on my birthday. I was going to jump off th roof on my birthday from my dads apartment building. It was high enough that I think I would die if I fell from there or if I survived I would be like brain dead or something, so I wouldn't really know anything if I survived. I can't explain exactly what changed over the past month I woke up one day exubriated and jovial and I don't know why. Well part of the reasons I think is a friend I madein school mad me realize somethings and fel a litlle better finding little things in life to make me happy. And he said one thing to me that kind of sat with me and made me realize that if I have something that not everyone has a true talent. He said that he didn't really care for some of the things I wrote but he really loved the last thing that I worte he said he read it over and over and really thought it was nice. I have a very interesting writing style I would say and he and other people everyone who read that poem loved it, it was my Shakespeare insipired poem. So that made md happy and I would like to put on a production in London next year of Julius Caesar, so I wouildn't miss my opportunity to do that, not for the world. I will visit the recontructed Globe theater the theatre of Shakepeare my idol. That would be for me the opportunity of a life time.