new mom, new mentality..

i've been needing a blog outlet since i've been slowing down my use of myspace.. since i got married and moved overseas, i've been keeping my myspace pretty up-to-date trying to make sure friends and family are in the know of the goings on in my day to day.. not that they care, particularly, about what i had for breakfast, but just in case..

plus, since my fishy and i went to counseling its been shown to me that i NEED this sort of outlet for myself to sort out my thoughts and feelings.. i've been censoring myself on myspace because of the fact that my friends and family are pretty much my entire audience and i really don't feel right about airing the dirty laundry that my laife can sometimes bring up..

now, finally, i've found it.. a blog site that's been right under my nose.. glad to have found it..

so, its been almost 6 months since i became a new mom.. everyday is something new.. it doesn't get easier, it just happens.. i've since learned that i have to let go of my preconceived notions of what an easy day would be, or how she would act on any given day.. all i can do is view each day as new so i won't go crazy thinking, "is this normal?"..

since i got pregnant last year, i've had to reevaluate my life.. i've had to ask myself questions like, "what do i stand for?", "what is my niche?", or "who are my friends?".. in the past year and a half i've thought those things and come to conclusions that quite disappoint me..

the friends i had don't necessarily fit in my new life.. i need new ones.. but the ones that would fit in don't necessarily fit my idea of what a "cool" mom would be.. does that mean i need to change my idea of "cool mom"? the people i do know that are moms don't always interest me.. i don't consider myself a snob but i don't feel like i have to compromise what i feel is quality company just so my child can have a playdate.. or should i?? and what is my niche?  what would be my category? i'm certainly not a trendy mom, i'm not an on-the-ball mom, but i wouldn't consider myself a bad mom.. while i have since made PG my formerly R rated language once my little one came into existance, my humor has proven to be more than "normal people" can handle.. so does that mean my personality needs a complete overhaul so that i can fit in?? 

or am i analysing this a little too much?

i think maybe i am.. as i mentioned before, these were all things that had popped into my head soon after my child was conceived.. i never really made the move to change myself.. people that just fit in with my new life just sort of drifted into me and we all hit it off.. now i'm certain that the friends i have are of the rare sort.. the kinds that have a sticking power.. the ones that we'll run into again and again through all our years.. and they're moms!!.. we can rely on each other for information or advice and share those stories that my un-childed friends would roll their eyes at...

i'm still working on my niche.. although, i'm not sure why.. i've never really felt like i had one that i neatly fell into.. except awkward loner.. true, i've never been a social butterfly.. but surprisingly, i have felt the need to fit in.. into what? i still don't know.. but maybe its the desire to fit into a well defined niche that drives a person.. that makes one shape themselves.. maybe that's why one would feel lost in that search.. how can you shove all your interests and ideologies and whatnot into any one category without some bits not quite making that perfect fit?? maybe that's where that hopeless and alone feeling comes from..

i've since acquired the outlook that one should look to others to see how one can help so that they don't focus on their own shortcomings.. that's very good advice.. especially when you're a mom.. cause you have to think about your child first.. if you feel sorrow at losing what you were before you had her, then you'll only get depressed.. i can see that.. i've found myself mourning the loss of my once childless resposibility-less life.. i'm not ashamed to admit that those feelings of selfishness wash over me and i wish that i hadn't taken on this huge responsibility of nurturing new life.. but at the same time, there's this whole other world i never knew about.. it warms me to make her happy, to nurture and care for this little helpless thing that will grow into a likeness of me and her father... everyday she grows and learns and does.. its a great validation for me as a mom.. a lot of times its overwhelming.. frustrating.. thankless.. GAH!.. but its soo cool to see how much i change for her.. in good ways..

what do i stand for?  my shift to a more kid-friendly vocabulary has been difficult.. but as a mom, as someone who shapes my little girl's world view.. i don't want her to think that spitting out cuss words is acceptable.. of course people say those things on a daily basis.. perfect example, i'm married to a marine.. his way of discipline is yelling at the wrongdoer with every other word an unmentionable in our doughter's presence.. he's had to change the way he handles things at work so that he can speak naturally cuss-free at home.. any practice outside of the home is one practiced in it.. as i've found.. thusly, i've had to make changes as well.. but we all know girls are better at it than boys.. lol..

so here begins my therapy.. in the past i've had to blog out my problems and then delete so that i could better organize my thoughts without any of my loved ones being the wiser for it.. at least here i won't have to delete and i'll have the future nostalgic satisfaction or mental grimace of being able to read out past thoughts and rememberings..