Picking the RIGHT Minions

Here is a very sensitive subject when it comes to being the ruler of the universe. Picking minions. Not an easy task. So let's go over the pros and cons of the Top 5 minions on most peoples wish list.

#5 - Stormtroopers/Clones: As seen in six episodes, these fighters are the true meaning of test tube babies. They are bred for their fighting skills, but at what cost? Pros: they are relatively cheap to produce and with genetic engineering, they can be aged to perfection in a short period of time. Being mass produced on a planet that is surrounded by water, those that do not maintain a level of performance make excellent fish food. They are willing to put themselves in the line of fire to protect the cause. Cons: they were bred from an inferior base product. As seen in the later episode, there is a fail safe chip implanted in them that will actually turn them against their Master. This is very dangerous! And most of all, they constantly wear those helmets that block their view and you can never look them directly in the eye. Granted, the helmets have lots of sensors that give them a greater range of view of the oncoming enemy, but it also allows the enemy to take them out a few at a time and secretly don their uniform and infiltrate the ranks. This is not allowed.

#4 - Stormtroopers/Nazis: This started out as a good idea and led to the development of the above mentioned stormtroopers, but inherently had their flaws from the beginning. Pros: they are loyal as long as they are on the winning side. When trouble rears it ugly head, they turn on their maker and say that they were only following orders or didn't know that mass murder was not allowed in the handbook. Although not mass produced, you can glean them from the rank and file by offering utopia at a very early age and instilling the idea that friends and family may also be the enemy. Cons: they must constantly deal with a lesser foot soldier that can be easily tricked with either chocolate (ie Sgt. Shultz) or whitewash (see Stalag 17). They stick out in a crowd and are easy targets for the enemy with their brown shirts and funny little duck walks. The one consolation is that they got rid of those metal hats with the spikes on the top.

#3 - Spartans: This group of highly trained individuals work as a team and are a formidable force in nature. From birth they are taught two things, kill everyone that is different from them and keep making more males counterparts to take their place. Simple. Pros: they are huge, strong, well armed and fight as a unit. They will keep killing until they have received more fatal blows than that of ordinary men. Cons: they just don't know when to back down and find more suitable locations to fight. Note to self - semi-naked guys tend to take more hits than that of fighters who wear protective gear. This does not include helmets that obscure vision. They also tend to tick off their allies to the point that the supporting troops either go home or turn against them. Not team players outside their ranks.

#2 - Invading Alien Lifeforms: Wow, there are so many to choose from that it almost boggles the mind. But let's just use a generic alien life form as a general category. Pros: they are technological savvy in that they have mastered interstellar travel. They say that they come in peace by luring their enemy into a false sense of security before outright attacking them. They come in huge numbers and are either gigantic in stature or microscopic in size. Cons: the United States Marine Corps and scientists. These two groups have single handedly wiped out each and every known life form that has ever tried to invade a planet. If one can't kill it with cunning and brute force, the other comes up with a molecular or atomic agent that dissolves them in a matter minutes. Granted the process takes a while to get to that point. In most cases, the winning team sends in its army, navy and in many cases civilians to fight the invaders, holding the USMC in reserve to not only level the playing field, but to burn it to the ground. Then if that looks like it might fail, you have the scientists (usually led by some kid with a IQ of a bazillion or so) that develops something from household products like a pre-pubescent MacGyver, and it is game over. And the biggest con is that you have to deal with their inside jokes that only technogeeks get and the demands for payment in Hot Pockets or porn.

#1 - Legions of Flying Monkeys: Ok, I have saved the best for last. I love these little hairy guys. They are loyal to a fault and who could not resist that cute little smile? Pros: they are cheap. I have a friend of a friend that gets them wholesale and they come dressed in the little vest and cupie doll hat, ready for battle. Flying Monkey Chow is at an all time low now that it has Soilent additives in it for that extra aggressive feature for warfare. They clean, cook, do laundry and even pick up the kids from school. Cons: can you say fecal matter! This gives true meaning to the expression Holy Crap! These little buggers can't hold it from point A to point B without crop dusting everything in site. and what makes it worse is that if the lead FM in formation cuts loose, it is like the Blitzkrieg of England in WWII. Why is it that you can teach them to fly in and capture your enemies, disembowel hay filled intruders and even procure little obnoxious dogs, (not to mention making a great Chicken Cordon Blue and going over little Johnnie's spelling words), but you can't get them to wipe their own butts or even flush? And what about when they don't get their pay increase or yearly bonus. Here you have millions of little buggers that start a fecal flinging frenzy that will shut down all operations within your empire and the clean up costs are astronomical! If you hire these furry mercenaries, make sure that they don't have a Union and there is a huge forest between your fortress and that of your enemy.