Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Short story Part (2)
user
<p>
I WAS RAISED AN ONLY CHILD BY MY GRANDMA, IN THE THE BACK WOODS OF
GOOD OLD MISSISSIPPI. I CAME TO ARIZONA AS AN ADULT. I THINK I WAS
MAYBE 28YEARS OLD. WELL THAT WAS 5 YEARS AGO. I CAME HERE BECAUSE I
HEARD GOOD THINGS ABOUT THE COST OF LIVING. AND THE JOB
OPPRUTUNITIES. BACK IN MISSISSIPPI, BLACK WOMEN, FIND IT VERY HARD
TO GET A GOOD PAYING JOB.SO THATS WHY I BEGAN MY NEW LIFE HERE.WELL
ANYWAYS.......<br><br>
THIS MAN JUST LYING IN FRONT OF MY EYES MAYBE DYING AND I
DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I THOUGHT TO MYSELF, " I
should call for help." AT THAT TIME A OVERWHELMING FEELING
CAME OVER ME TO SHAKE THIS MAN UNTIL I GET A REASPONSE
<strong>.</strong> SO BENT DOWN WITHOUT OUT EVEN
THINKING TWICE, AND ROLLED HIM ON TO HIS BACK. HIS FACE WAS
HANDSOME, BUT VERY DIRTY. ON HIS LEFT CHEEK WAS A BURN SHAPED ODDLY
LIKE A MISSHAPENED STAR. VERY WEIRD INDEED. HE LOOKED ODDLY
PEACEFULL. MOUTH SLIGHTLY OPENED, EYES CLOSED TIGHT.STILL BREATHING
AT A STEADY PACE. HE DIDN'T LOOK FAMILAR TO ME AT ALL. THE
STRANGE MANS COLD, PALE SKIN SEEMED TO GLISTEN COVERED
WITH DROPS OF WATER. HIS VERY DARK CURLY HAIR WAS SOAKED
AND STUCK TO HIS FACE AND EARS. I KNEELED BESIDE HIM AND TAPPED HIS
RIGHT CHEEK KINDA HARD, AND SAID, "<strong>WAKE
UP</strong>!'' AS LOUD AS I COULD.HE OPEN HIS
EYES JUST AS FAST AS I SAID WAKE UP.IT STARTELED ME SO I FELL ON MY
BUTT RIGHT IN THE COLD DIRTY WATER.AS HE STUDIED MY FACE, AND I
STUDIED HIS EYES ,FOR A BRIEF SECOND HE SEEMED
CALM.<br> <br>
HIS EYES WHERE BLACK SHINY STONES WITH NO PUPILS AND HIS BREATH WAS
HOT AND SMELLED OF SULFUR. HIS EYE GREW BIG, AND HIS BODY BEGAN TO
TREMBIL. THEN OUT OF NO WHERE HE LET OUT A BLOOD CURDLING, HIGH
PITCH SCREAM. HE GRABBED MY ARMS SO TIGHLY AS IF I WAS TRYING TO
HURT HIM. I YELLED ,"Your hurting me!" AND HE LET
GO QUICKLY. I GUESS AFTER HE REALIZED I MEANT HIM NO HARM,HE PUSHED
ME BACK, AND I FELL BACK HARD TO THE WET PAVEMENT. HE JUMP UP LIKE
SOMETHING BIT HIM. AND TOOK OFF DOWN THE STREET FAST AS LIGHTNING.
AND ALL THIS TIME, IT DIDN'T DAWN ON ME THAT NO ONE ELSE
WAS AROUND. JUST ME AND THAT STRANGE MAN..........</p>
<p>
I FELT VERY STRANGE ABOUT MY ENCOUNTER. SO I TOOK A MOMENT TO
REFLECT RIGHT THERE ON THE SIDEWALK. MY FIRST THOUGHT WAS TO CALL
MY SISTER MYA TO SEE IF SHE WAS OKAY. SHE LIVED LIKE 15MINUTES FROM
ME BY CAR. I BRISKLY JOGGED BACK TO MY HOUSE AND AS I REACHED THE
FRONT DOOR I FELT A CHILL GO UP MY SPINE. I STOPPED ON THE PORCH
AND EVERYTHING WENT BLACK.....I FELT MYSELF FALLING IN THE DARKEST
BLACK TUNNEL IMAGINAL TO MAN KIND. I NEVER HIT BOTTOM. I SEEN A
YELLOW BALL OF FIRE COMING AT ME SLOWLY. IT LIT UP MY FACE. IT GREW
BIGGGER AND BRIGHTER AS IT GOT CLOSER TO ME. MY FACE BEGAN TO BURN
INTENSLY....MY STOMACH BEGAN TO TURN...MY BODY WAS ON FIRE. I FELT
AS IF SOMEONE THREW ME IN AN OVEN FULL OF HOT COALS. I KNEW THIS
HAD TO BE SOME KIND OF BIZZARE DREAM BECAUSE IT WAS SO IRRATIONAL.
I SEEN THOUSANDS AND MILLIIONS OF EYES BLINKING AND SWIRLING AROUND
IN THE DARKNESS. MOONS AND PLANETS SEEM TO BE FALLING WITH ME. I
FINALLY HIT THE BOTTOM AND MY BODY TURNED TO ICE AND BROKE INTO A
THOUSAND SHAREDS OF ICE.......... (DEEP BREATH)
HHAAAAAA!!!</p>
<p>
MY HEAD ACHED, AND MY FACE FELT TIGHT AND HOT. I LAID THERE ON MY
BACK FEELING LIKE I JUST GOT HIT BY A TRAIN OR SOMETHING.IT TOOK ME
A MINUTE TO GET UP OFF OF THE COLD WET GROUND. AS I AROSE I NOTICED
THAT IT WAS STILL VERY QUIET OUTSIDE, AND THE SKY WAS AS
PINK AS A SUMMERS SUNSET. IT FELT ERRIE, AND I WAS VERY COMFUSED.I
DIDN'T KNOW HOW LONG I WAS OUT BUT IT FELT LIKE HOURS. I
STUMBLED TO MY FEET AND MADE MY WAY IN THE HOUSE. I NEEDED TO CALL
MY SISTER TO SEE IF SHE WAS OKAY. I SCRAMBLED TO MY CELLPHONE AND
BEGAN TO DIAL HER NUMBER FRANTICLLY. IT DIDN'T EVEN RING.
SO I HUNG UP AND TRYED AGAIN. NOTHING. THERE WASN'T EVEN A
DIAL TONE. SO I JUST STARED AT THE PHONE IN DISBELIEF. SOMETHING
CRAZY WAS GOING ON AND I NEED TO FIND OUT WHAT. THROWING THE PHONE
IN MY POCKET, I RAN TO MY ROOM TO FIND MY SHOES AND MY CAR KEYS.
THE SHOES WHERE ON THE FLOOR NEXT TO DRESSER, AND MY KEYS WHERE ON
THE NIGHTSTAND. I SNATCHED THEM UP, QUICKLY PUT ON MY SHOES AND RAN
OUT THE ROOM DOOR, NOT FORGETTING MY NEW WHITE SWEATER JACKET THAT
WAS IN THE HALL CLOSET I WENT OUTSIDE AND LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND
MYSELF. <br><br>
I JUMPED IN MY CAR AND IT WOULDNT START. I KNEW I JUST
GOT IT FIXED LAST WEEK, SO THERE SHOULDN'T BE A REASON WHY
IT WOULDN'T START UP. I WAS GETTING VERY WORRIED AND SCARED
AT THAT POINT. I LOOKED IN MY REAR VIEW MIRROR AS I ALWAYS DO TO
STUDY WHAT IT ON THE STREET BEHIND ME.NO ONE WAS THERE JUST LIKE I
EXPECTED.ONLY PARKED CARS AND A STREET COVERED IN WATER. SITTING
THERE PONDERING THE DERANGED EVENTS OF THE DAY , MY EYES BEGAN TO
SWELL WITH TEARS, AND I NOTICE AGAIN HOW HOT AND TIGHT MY FACE
FELT.I WANTED TO SEE WHAT WAS GOING ON WITH MY FACE SO I TURNED THE
REAR VIEW MIRROR TOWARDS MYSELF. IMMEDIATELY I GASPED AND JUMPED
BACK IN HORROR. MY EYES AND HAIR WHERE WHITE AS SNOW, AS IF SOMEONE
HAD STOLEN MY IRISES AND ALL THEY LEFT BEHIND WHERE MY PUPILS!! MY
CHEEK WAS SLIGHTLY BURNT. AND IT SUDDENLY REMINDED ME OF THE MAN
LYING IN THE STREET EARLIER.</p>
Related: story, short, science fiction, sci-fi, cool
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Posted by Michael L. Wilson Tue Sep 9, 2008 11:52am PDT
Your story is decent. Kind of jumbled. You should proof read and edit a little more. Make paragraphs. Highlight emphasis. Use plenty of adjectives, they add more of a robust flavor and enhance the dullness of the color. These things will make your story more presentable and more enjoyable to read. I'm patiently waiting the next chapter.
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