'THE RECOVERY PROCESS'

THANK GOD!! For my process its been 4 yrs since I've last drinked or drug, its been a journey, yet I'm here. My story is no different than any other recovering person out there, simply I used I lost. Not material things but, mind,body and spirit my childhood life began in brooklyn n.y. I came from a  family of a single parent five sisters and one brother although we had the same birthmother two of us had different dads. My delima started because I never felt I belonged  something was always missing I felt different, like I did'nt fit aceptance was one of the first feelings I could relate to in early recovery,people
 pleasing followed pursuit.


Having had  an absent father did'nt help much not fully understanding why I felt unloved not wanted and like so misunderstood. I can remember always doing stuff for attention and in school (class clown) or just acting out. My desperation for acceptance was sad for at that time I did'nt know how to exprees my fears, lonliness (even around people). As a child my mom was from the south she believed in disciplne and there was no talkingor back or to say having an opinion like the generation today it was just unheard of.

And so my story goes I remember at an early age sneaking around my moms get togethers on the weekends (rent parties they called them) Anyway when I was alone in my room I pretend to be having a party glasses of water in wine glasses the pink plastic part from the hair rollers as my cigerettes. I always fantiscized about growing up hosting parties and such. Than I started geeting up on Sunday mornings and drinking the remains of alcohol from the glasses I started smoking pot at the age of fifteen no knowledge of it being a gateway drug. I continued to drink only for the effect I really did't like the taste at all as my dieased  progressed I became more isolated in a non realistic world "my world."

I began expirementing with acid, cocain, wacky weed (angeldust) nevertheless my diease took off I went through Junior H.S. and H.S. not feeling. lttle did I know I was about to find out just how out of control my life was about to get. After floating through H.S. I got pregnant got a job and moved in with my baby's father. Another nightmare for next five years I would live in fear,shame,doubt, and much pain.

I lived in an abusive relationship and because of burning my bridges with my family the shame keep me in this insane and unhealty relationship.Until I could  no longer except the life I was living. What took place was I was forced to defend myself out of fear(if I had known that I would have laid him out sooner) courage is what it was not fear is what I believe today.

Yet I continued to fill all my needs with drugs and drinking socially at first,later on I started fixing a feeling with a feeling trying to fill that void of being alone. yes looking for love in all the wrong places approval seeking, just never finding peace or happiness within myself yet I had high expectation for everyone else in my life to fullfill my emptiness I was feeling.

Than I meet and married my son and daughters dad only to go through the next ten years of being the other women after finding out that he was living a double life.Yes I learned to live a lie in hope of that if he could see my loyalty he realize that I was the better women. Funny how delusional one can become when in denial another behavior I would find out when coming into recovery I was a people pleaser.

Anything to be accepted now over four and half years clean and over forty years have past I am a women who knows and accepts  her trueness I 'm not that little girl afraid  of change or acceptance I have a God of my own understanding. I practice the princilples of recovering and appply them too my life on a daily baises.

I'm a grandmother of five beautiful young boys and I have a healthy outlook on life. I no longer feel alone and I am a positive produtive individuale in society today I am a house manager in a womens recoveryhouse on the weekends,and I enjoy reading and writing poetry.Other intrest are jewlery making and repair. I have a network of people in recovery that I can call or e-mail at anytime.

My goals are to  give back what was given to me and always try to lead by example I am a ray of hope becase my Higher Power says so and I try to apply that in all my affairs............through God all things are possible
                                                                                              @peacewithgod