Everyone gets hemorrhoids at some point in their life. -I just had to say that. I had my first around four years ago while lifting a box at my crappy regular-people job. Just as I was about to take the box to it’s zenith, BAM I felt a strange little discomfort in my anus. At first, you figure that you are okay. EVERYONE figures this. After a couple of hours, and a butt-vein that swells to dime-size, you begin to debate what Preparation-H is.
Preparation-H is used to lower the swelling in hemorrhoids and the black ‘puffs’ that models get under their eyes from diets consisting of three hours of sleep and cocaine.
ANYWAY…
The way you APPLY Preparation-H, is to stick to the tube out, screw a little siphon onto the end, gently stick it up your butt; and SQUEEZE. Some hemorrhoids are on the inside of your butt, as I now know, so you have to be generous as well as accurate. My original meaty-bean, was on the OUTSIDE of my butt. This new one, is on the inside.
The way I got the new hemorrhoid is by being sick. I had been sick for longer than I would have liked, so I picked up some Amoxicillin, which, as it turns out, turns your poop into acidic mudslides. This, dried out my butthole; and then I got some cathair caught in my throat.
I couldn’t believe it.
I continued to cough for almost fifteen minutes, each time my butt contracted, stretching it’s already dried-up evacuation-area. Within an hour, I had my first hemorrhoid in four years.
I needed treatment. My friend Kyle had to have laser-surgery on his hemorrhoids, and he is only around twenty-seven. No way I’m going for that. I’ll be treating each occurrence as it happens. So, I text my girlfriend, and tell her that I need some Preparation-H, and also some aspirin to deal with any other swelling it may have caused.
So, she calls me and says how she can’t get it at her work (the grocery store) and that she will have to grab it from the Walgreens down the street. Her reasoning? She doesn’t want people to think she has hemorrhoids.
DAMNIT.
So, she brings it home, and guess what kind she got me? There is a new IcyHot-ripoff in this hemorrhoid cream, and it’s not even Preparation-H. It’s the store brand, and it has something in it that “cools on contact, while warming away the pain.” I just can’t BELIEVE that she would do this to me.
I get the tube ready, give it a push, clench my teeth, and SQUEEZE. My butt, needed some oxygen QUICK. The burning of…WHATEVER was in that cream, was making my ass melt. I race to the sink, start splashing cold water up myself, and swearing in tongues.
Now I can laugh about all of this.
Eventually, I found the right cream, and the hemorrhoid went away. The lesson of this story? Treat your own ass-ailments.
/Jason
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