1. Return to Fantasy Island
TOOLS NEEDED: Computer, a fruity cocktail, appropriate background music.
Set up a photo slideshow on your computer of a fabulous vacation you took in your pre-mommy life. As you press play, sit back, relax and remember when trips did not include Kids Clubs, chicken nuggets or your mom flap.
2. Throw Yourself a Mom Prom
Have a high school reunion with yourself by cracking open your yearbook and looking up old classmates online. Classmates.com, Facebook, MySpace and Google are good places to start. This can be much more relaxing than a real reunion, as it does not require you to look fabulous, make small talk or wear a name tag. For the full effect, download songs from your glory days while doing so (remember that Phil Collins prom theme?) For ten minutes, see what ex-boyfriends are doing, tell off old rivals in your mind, and flash back to your pre-mommy glory days, when life was simpler and legs were cellulite-free. Then feel good about yourself and all that you’ve accomplished, including finally figuring out your hair. And thank God you’re not back there anymore.
3. Make the Best Martini Ever
Mix it. Pour it. Savor it. If necessary, rinse and repeat.
Lemon Drop Martini (otherwise known as “Mommy’s Lemonade”)
Granulated sugar
6 parts lemon-flavored vodka
1 part dry vermouth
Cracked ice
Lemon twist, for garnish
Wet the rim of a martini glass, and press into a plate of granulated sugar. Combine the liquid ingredients in a cocktail shaker with cracked ice, and shake well. Strain into the prepared martini glass, and garnish with a lemon twist.
4. Get High on Fidelity
TOOLS NEEDED: Wedding album and/or video
Holy Matrimony! Is that really you in that white dress? Pop in your wedding video, or dust off your wedding album and remind yourself of the romantic time when it was just you and your husband. Remember the way you looked at each other. Relive your first dance. Ask yourself what on earth you were thinking when you chose those chartreuse bridesmaids’ dresses. And dream about the days when you could see a movie on a whim, sleep till noon and have sex any time you wanted. Sigh. Sure he had more hair and you were a size smaller back then. But really, don’t you agree that life has only gotten sweeter now that you’ve got a family? (Here’s the part where you say, “I do!”)
5. Ultimate Laugh
When you need to press the mommy pause button, go to a kid-free zone, log onto YouTube.com, and search for these videos. There’s nothing like watching a cat eating spaghetti to help you forget your troubles. We dare you not to laugh.
6. Get Your Pre-Game On
TOOLS NEEDED: an alarm clock, a sleeping family
Before your kids wake up, before you feed the dog, before you make the school lunches and turn on your BlackBerry, press the snooze button on life and find more time for yourself. Because chances are the only way to get your own time is to take it before anyone notices. So wake up early! Trading sleep for a few minutes of solitary calm is a great way to get centered and ready to face the day ahead.
7. Dwell On It
TOOLS NEEDED: Sunday newspaper, active imagination
There’s nothing like poring over the Sunday Real Estate section to really fantasize about what you would do with $60 million. Location? Definitely waterfront. Enough left over for another piece of prime real estate? Check out those ranches and farms—girlhood pony fantasies can really go wild there. There are just so many options to choose from, and located all over the world. Where does all this money come from, anyway? Who knows? But when you are reincarnated as immorally, hyperbolically super-rich, you’re going to know how to live in style and where to spend your loot.
8. Recline. Regenerate. Repeat.
TOOLS NEEDED: Suburban shopping mall, iPod
When you’re in the mall with your husband and kids, tell them you’re going to the ladies’ room. Then slip into Brookstone, sit in one of their giant massage chairs, and listen to the sounds of the ocean on your iPod.
9. Get Lost
TOOLS NEEDED: Car, GPS device, good music for the ride
Next time you’re out, why not make like a Supertramp and take the long way home? Drive through a wealthy neighborhood and check out the unreal mansions. Or explore a side street you don’t know and people-watch. When it's time to go back to reality, turn on your navigation system and head back.
10. Come Out of the Closet
When your schedule allows for very little time in boutiques, "shop" your closet instead. Try on all the wonderful outfits you rarely get to wear any more: fancy dresses, sexy heels, sequins—go wild! Then, take a glass of champagne onto your balcony (or onto your back porch, if you have a house) and enjoy feeling fabulous—until the next poopie Pull Up appears.
How do you escape the chaos to celebrate the blissful moments in your life?
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