The Child Leash
Many boyfriends, husbands and would-be fathers have had the moment: you hear an alarm go off in your girlfriend’s/wife’s uterus. You can hear the words almost before she says them, “I want a baby.” As a time honored tradition, many spooked men have tried to redirect this mothering instinct by saying, “hey, why don’t we get a dog instead.” I do not believe this strategy has worked in the entire history of mankind. There are cave paintings of Neanderthal dudes getting their offer of adopting a wooly mammoth rejected by their women decorating a corner of the cave in pink.
That doesn’t mean you can’t treat your kid like dog. The Parent Leash takes all the fun of dominating a lesser species and applies to your spawn. Imagine the joy of your kid away when he gets too enamored with sniffing other kids’ butts.
Baby Keeper
What insane super billionare is turning live infants into wall art? Oprah, I’m looking in your direction.
Baby High Heels
Might as well book your daughter on Jerry Springer now, ‘cause that’s where she’ll go when you get these tacky shoes for her.
More by this author:
Horrifyingly Cute Animals
10 Things You May Not Know About Pregnancy (and might shock you)
Cute Overload: White Tiger Kitten and Monkey are Friends (PICS!)
The 26 Most Disturbing Kids Movies Ever
