Interview By Anna Nordberg
If you're praying for sixth-grade health class to spare you the dreaded sex-ed discussion, it's time to face reality. "I can't tell you how often parents say, 'I can't talk to my kids about sex; they still believe in Santa Claus!'" says Sharon Maxwell, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in Canton, Massachusetts, and author of The Talk: What Your Kids Need to Hear from You About Sex (Avery). "If your child is 8 and you think he's too young, get over it," adds Maxwell, who argues that pop culture—from video games to underwear ads—will quickly fill in the blanks if you don't.
Myth #1
Talking to my child about sex will traumatize her (not to mention me) for years to come.
Sharon Maxwell: Many parents I see are anxious about the conversation because they think it represents a loss of innocence. I remind them that if we all still lived on farms, the topic of intercourse and how babies are made would be as common as breakfast; it would be no big deal. That's not a loss of innocence. The video games little boys are playing can cause a loss of innocence. Little girls shaking their booties, not knowing what they're doing but thinking it's important—that's a loss of innocence.
To help with the basics, there's a great book by Peter Mayle called Where Did I Come From? (Lyle Stewart). It lays out the biology of sex with plump little figure drawings of mommies and daddies who love each other. I tell parents to read it with their child first, then begin the conversation. A very important part of it can happen when your child goes, "Oh! Do you do that with Daddy? That's so gross!" That's when parents think, I've traumatized her for life. But instead of panicking, say, "Well, the main difference between a child's body and a grown-up's is that children can't make babies and grown-ups can. So you're not interested in this kind of stuff, and it seems gross to you, because your body hasn't changed yet." For kids, this demonstrates a natural boundary between understanding the biology of sex and knowing they don't have to worry about acting sexy.
Kids value what their parents have to say about sex. They act like they don't, but they really do see parents as the best resource—the people who care about them and want the best for them.
More books that can help you tackle the tough questions your child
may ask.
Myth #2
My kid is a few years from hitting puberty—he's too young to hear about sex.
SM: If your 8-year-old has never asked you about sex, you need to get in there. You could start with: "You may have heard about this whole sexy thing, and I want to tell you about it—it's private, but I think you're old enough."
But if your kid is 4 and you're pregnant, and she wants to know where babies come from, you don't have to get into the specifics of penises and vaginas. It's perfectly fine to say, "Mommies and daddies have a special kind of grown-up love that helps them make babies." That's enough for a 4-year-old. The idea of a special kind of love covers all the bases when they're really young.
Myth #3
If my child asks me a question about sex and I'm caught unprepared, it's okay to make something up.
SM: You need to answer the question, but be smart about it. When your child says, "I want to know where babies come from," you can say, "That's a really good question. Where do you think babies come from?" This way you'll find out if he heard something about adoption in school or if he heard about a weird way of having sex from a friend on the playground. It's important to know what he's actually asking. And if your kid asks an explicit question, give a straightforward answer. The last thing you want is for him to know you gave him a bull ----- answer, because then that's it—he's not going to come back.
More from Cookie:
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Kid's Sex Questions
Answers to some of the most uncomfortable questions your kids may ask about sex. - Sex and
the American Dad
Raising a family can take the sex right out of a relationship. You might think it's a nagging little worry--but to him, it's a full-blown emergency. - Healthy Snacks
These tasty lunch-box staples are kid-tested and nutritionist-reviewed. - Give the Gift of Cookie Magazine - Just $1 an issue!
