A few years ago, I found a huge scratch on an expensive piece of furniture. My stepson had been horsing around in the living room the day before, so I was sure he had put it there. Although he denied doing it, I told him that I was disappointed in him. A few days later, I discovered the real culprit in the act: It was our dog using my cabinet as his personal scratching post. Boy, was I embarrassed. Even the most well-meaning moms (like me) make missteps. But that doesn’t mean we can’t get back on track.
Slip-Up #1: Saying One Thing, Doing
Another
You
yell at your teenage son to stop yelling at his younger sister,
or lecture your daughter about honesty, then fib to a neighbor in
front of her to get out of a commitment.
What’s the Big Deal?
“Learning is caught, not taught,” says Suzy Martyn, author of
Enjoying the Ride: Tools, Tips, and Inspiration for the Most
Common Parenting Challenges. “If you tell your
children one thing, then do the opposite, they’ll start taking
everything you say less seriously.”
The Save
Don’t just tell your children what not to do; show them by your
actions what they should do. For example, if you catch yourself
yelling at your son to stop
yelling, immediately change course. “First, take a deep
breath,” says Martyn. “Then, in a quiet tone, say, ‘I’m sorry for
raising my voice. That was wrong.’” Next, tell him, “I’d like you
to say that to your sister again, but this time more calmly.”
Finally, praise him for correcting his behavior. “This technique
teaches your kids to accept mistakes, ask for forgiveness and
change their behavior—all rolled into one,” says Martyn.
Slip-Up #2: Not Saying No
You ask your 10-year-old to give up palling around with his friends
one Saturday afternoon to visit Aunt Susie with you. Instead of a
sunny, “Sure, Mom,” you get a
tantrum. Just the thought of two more hours of hisgrumbling and
groaning is enough to make you cave.
What’s the Big Deal?
“Giving kids everything they ask for, because it’s easier or
because you don’t want to face a conflict, leads to spoiled brats
and selfish
teenagers,” says Ben Leichtling, PhD, author of Parenting
Bully-Proof Kids: Stop School Bullies in Their Tracks.
Never saying no creates a sense of entitlement in your kids and teaches them to always expect instant gratification. Just think of big, bad Lucius Malfoy, from the Harry Potter series, protecting his darling son Draco as he wreaks havoc through Hogwarts.
The Save
Knowing when to say yay or nay comes down to the situation. You
have to weigh each one based on its own merits, balancing your
kids’ wants with your (or the family’s) needs. Should your child
get a vote? It depends. Ask yourself:
Is this just a case of my kid doing whatever it takes to get his way? If the answer is yes, then your job is pretty clear-cut—no input from him required. Simply tell him no, but make sure he understands that even when he doesn’t get what he wants, he’ll survive.
Is this a situation where my child can actually benefit from having a say? If your child has a hard time speaking up for himself and telling others what he wants, it’s good to let him make his own decisions sometimes, says Dr. Leichtling. If going along to Aunt Susie’s really isn’t a big deal, give him the option to turn you down. It will boost his confidence and encourage him to start voicing his opinion more often.
Slip-Up #3: Fighting Over
Food
It’s the bribe heard at countless dinner tables every night: “If
you finish your broccoli, you can have ice
cream for dessert.” One of the biggest mistakes moms make is
trying to control what their kids eat by using food—especially
sweets— as a bargaining chip.
What’s the Big Deal?
“Kids need to learn early on that eating is for nutrition and
energy,” says Karen Romine, a licensed marriage and family
therapist in Seattle. “Bribing them with sweets teaches them to
crave empty-calorie
foods and to eat when they’re not hungry.” Plus, kids can be
stubborn. So they may give you a battle no matter how many
candy-coated carrots you dangle in front of them.
The Save
Don’t get caught up in a power struggle. Simply keep the focus on
healthy food and don’t make too much of a fuss over
sugar.
When her children were young, Randy Methven, a mother of two in San Rafael, California, served only nutritious food at mealtimes and stocked the lower shelves of her fridge and pantry with healthy snacks that her kids could eat anytime: carrot sticks, string cheese, mixed nuts, fresh fruit. She also kept a few sweets on hand, but never used them as a reward. As a result, her kids learned to eat well without developing a constant craving for sugar. “They don’t abuse sweets,” she says.
What if your kids refuse to eat the good stuff you give them? Unless it’s a matter of health, hold your ground and wait them out, says Romine. “They may put up a fight at first, but once they get hungry enough, most kids will take their pick from what you provide.”
Slip-Up #4: Giving Empty
Praise
Your
daughter is starting to play the flute and wants to show you
what she learned during her lesson this week. She squeaks and
screeches her way through the song. What do you say? If it’s “That
was absolutely wonderful, honey!” you may want to think twice.
What’s the Big Deal?
“Many parents try to build up their kids’ self-esteem by being
cheerleaders, but this type of pointless praise is ultimately bad
for
kids,” says clinical psychologist Jane Delgado, PhD. They get a
false sense of their abilities and may not work on improving weak
spots. “And constant praise, especially when it’s not warranted,
comes across as insincere,” adds Bette J. Freedson, a clinical
social worker practicing in Lynn, Massachusetts, and South Berwick,
Maine.
The Save
“What your child really needs is honest feedback delivered in a
warm and supportive way,” says Dr. Delgado. To practice the art of
authentic praise, focus on the effort your child is making, her
enthusiasm to try new things, her desire to share what she’s
doing, and the importance of continuing to practice and work
hard.
So even though your flute-playing daughter may be out of tune, you can still give her a genuine pat on the back by saying, “I’m so proud of you for learning an instrument, trying something new and sharing it with me. If you keep practicing, you’ll keep getting better.” This way, when she truly does excel at something, your compliments will have even more impact, which will give her self-esteem a big boost.
Slip-Up #5: Criticizing Character
You’re so messy. Why are you so lazy? Stop
being difficult. In the heat of the moment, comments like these
often just come tumbling out.
What’s the Big Deal?
While your words may appear harmless enough, deep down kids don’t
see it that way. You’ve just slapped a negative label on them and
attacked their character, says Freedson. “Kids are counting on
their
moms to take into account the whole picture of who they
are—their skills and talents, their strong points and weaknesses,”
she says. These comments send the message that you only see your
kids in one light—and it’s not a good one.
Methven admits that she’s been guilty of this slip-up, but eventually realized that she couldn’t have it both ways. “I’m the authority in the house, and my children will believe what I say about them,” she says. “You can’t tell your kid that he’s a slob 100 times and still expect him to clean his room.”
The Save
Put the kibosh on labeling by making every effort to catch yourself
when you do it, and apologizing immediately. A simple “I’m sorry, I
slipped up and called you a name. That’s not a nice thing to do” is
all it takes. After that, talk with your child about his specific
behavior, which is the real issue. Try saying, “I’m disappointed
that you didn’t
clean your room” (or “left school without permission,” “didn’t
turn in your homework on time,” etc.). Finally, help him understand
the ramifications of his actions and the consequences he may face
as a result of his behavior.
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