A few things I learned about parenting while waiting at the doctor's office

The number one thing I learned is that apparently Parenting magazines are written for women who have no common sense. Or else they just have to fill up a magazine every month so they pretend like we have no common sense so we keep buying their magazine.*

Things you could have learned if you spent the 5 bucks or whatever for the Feb 09 issue:

Let's Find Out Why Toddlers Really Like to be Naked.
First we need ask a professional....
The astounding answer: Toddlers just like to be naked!! And it's ok for them to be naked!! As long as you're like, not outside or at the store.
Wow, glad they figured that out for us! I thought my kid was just weird and destined to join a nudist camp when she grows up.

The 5-Second Tip that can Revolutionize Your Discipline
Tell, don't ask.
"Pick up your toys, now." instead of "Would you please pick up your toys?"
There was actually a whole article devoted to this one little line of "duh" advice.

Tips for Your 6 Year old
Don't wait until bedtime to make sure she did her homework.
(six year old's have homework? what do they do for the 8 hours they are at school?)

Tips for your 2 year old
They like boxes and stuffed animals.
Isn't this an overused picture, the toddler playing more with the box than toy it came in?
Most baby books contain a picture of a child sitting in a box while the mega bucks toy lays cast aside.
Tell me something I don't know like why 2 year old's wont take one piece of watermelon because they want the other identical piece instead.

The advertisements were worse than the articles:

Formula cans are pain, they need a redesign....who better than Ty Pennington?! Well, actually it never said he designed the can, they just had him standing, hard hat in hand, beside a giant formula container.
I wanna see ol' Ty on a nursing bra ad...or maybe do a redesign for nipple shields...

What mom gives her young child 5 different kinds of jelly to smear all over her Eggo's? Isn't the whole point of frozen pancakes to save time? I guess you don't have to cook them so you have the extra 15 minutes to scrub down table, chairs and child before you rush out the door to school. Also, I thought they should have had a disclaimer at the bottom, something like *eating Eggo brand pancakes does not guarantee that your child will truly grow up to be a famous artist like Van Gogh. (which was the gist of the ad)

But the one that made me cringe and almost laugh out loud at the same time:
Pampers diapers and wipes are really soft. Baby is reminded of being in the womb each time you use them. "Together they sooth baby's first case of homesickness".(actual line) Seriously? I have butt wipes in my uterus?! Besides, I've used Pampers before and my newborn screamed bloody murder every time I changed her diaper...her uterine home life must not have been very happy.
I feel sorry for all those crunchy moms who put cloth diapers on their babies and wear them in wraps all day. If only they knew their baby was really longing for the comfort that only Pampers can give...

Maybe I'm just so past all of this because I have 4 kids...if so could I get a job writing for them? I think my first article will be "Why Kids Pick Their Noses". Anyone know a good child psychologist I could interview?



*This is of course mostly tongue in cheek. I am not implying that people who actually do get something from parenting magazines are ignorant or that the magazines are all silly. Just my personal observation. :)