I think this has already been discussed on Shine at some point, but
it's something I hadn't paid much mind to up until a few
days ago: mothers harshly criticizing other mothers.
I'm not talking about on the Internet either. Yes, blogs
and forums are full of people with their anonymous courage blasting
each other for this and that, and parenting is no exception.
However, I have found this particular type of criticism exists
everywhere.
I had a few incidents lately where I was criticized harshly to my
face. I was at the playground, chatting with another
mom. Somehow we got on the subject of diapers, and when she
found out I was using Pampers, by the look on her face, you’d have
thought I told her I sold my son’s soul to Satan. This is
probably more a criticism of how non-green I am in that department,
but still.
Another time recently, I told an old acquaintance I had become a
stay-at-home mom (technically work-at-home, but whatev) and she
*actually* rolled her eyes and said, “Why on earth would you do
that?” You guessed it, she has no children of her own.
And then I told another friend that the freelance writing market
had dried up so badly, I may have to break down and apply for jobs
where I have to go to an actual office, and find a good day care or
nanny. She almost started crying at the thought of a child
“being raised” by someone besides his parents.
I also find that older mothers think they know it all. They
raised their kids a certain way, they turned out fine, so that must
be the way to raise children properly. Suffering through the
first few weeks of breastfeeding, I can't even tell you how
many times my mother and mother-in-law told me to just stop and use
formula. While this is a completely valid choice, it was not
my choice, and their "advice" was quite
unwarranted. Also, tell a person you make your own baby food
and they just chuckle at you like you are some kind of naïve
hippie-dippie tree hugging new mom. And I always knew my
son's "tired" cry and "hungry" cry, but
when my mother stayed with us she always insisted he was bored or
cold instead. I finally had to physically take him away from
her at one point to give him what he wanted.
To circumcise or not to circumcise, to breastfeed or not to
breastfeed, to start solids or not start solids, to co-sleep or not
to co-sleep, to put on the sweater or leave it off. Just when
you think you’re doing everything right, there’s someone there to
tell you it’s wrong. Personally, I find it very off-putting
and stressful. So long as a person is not putting their child
in grave danger, we should all just mind our own business and raise
our own children the best way we see fit.
So, fellow mothers, truce?
Can't We All Just Get Along?
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Comments 1-10 of 10
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Posted by Thu Dec 18, 2008 11:17am PST
Report AbuseYes, truce!! I just got ripped a new one today by a "friend" and I feel pretty crummy now. I don't understand why everyone thinks that there way is the only way to parent? Enough is enough, we all just need to mind our own business. If it isn't something that directly affects you, keep your trap shut.
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Posted by Thu Dec 18, 2008 1:08pm PST
Report AbuseA truce would be just fine as long as it means people are finally going to start doing everything my way!
Just kidding, of course. One thing I've always found helpful when faced with someone criticize me to my face on my way of doing things is to just say, "well, luckily this is what works for us." It draws a line of separation between their way of doing something and my way, and lets them know that I am not open to alternative suggestions.
As for commenting on blogs, I thought that was the whole point to this whole forum. Someone posts a subject and invites comments from readers. All comments obviously aren't going to support the writer's point of view, and that's what keeps it interesting. Personal attacks aside, I rather enjoy reading so many different opinions on parenting methods. Sometimes it helps me to see something in a different light, or even just understand why some people do the things they do...even if I do think they're stupid for doing them. :0P
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Posted by Thu Dec 18, 2008 2:43pm PST
Report AbuseI SO agree with this! Women can be so catty, especially in that passive way that seems like they are just commenting, but it's obviously full of judgement and disapproval. I have a few friends I actually have stopped talking to because it seems everything I say about my parenting choices is met with some I-know-it-all-you-know-nothing response. It's sad, because I think we can all learn from each other, but when someone's opinion is presented in a selfish way, it just gets defensive and awkward.
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Posted by Fri Dec 19, 2008 7:24am PST
Report AbuseI am expecting my first child in June and I have already gotten all kinds of advice from people. My uh, favorites, are the ones that dont have kids and try to tell me what I should be doing during pregnancy. I am an aunt, most of my friends have kids and I read so much about it now that I'm pregnant so I have a pretty good idea of how to take care of myself. Their advice is pretty amusing and VERY MUCH unappreciated! I hate when people tell me what I should be doing, like they are living my life! Now, when a mother tells me something, I listen and take it to heart. Whether or not I follow their advice is another story but I am willing to listen. But for the people that dont have kids or the people that do and are demeaning about it, they can take their unwarranted advice and shove it!
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Posted by Fri Dec 19, 2008 8:18am PST
Report AbuseIf only kids came with little books on how to raise them and what to do in every situation. Unfortunately they don't, what works for one child or mom may not work for another. My step-mom's parents continuously offer advise and scold me for not wanting to take it.... well I don't like how you raised your kids.
I don't mind advice (I mean, come on moms, we're all in this crazyness together), just understand I don't have to agree or use it. I appreciate the sentiment though!
I agree on truce, I'll help you, you help me... but it's your kid, you do what you think is best!
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Posted by Fri Dec 19, 2008 12:56pm PST
Report AbuseWe've all fought so hard to have CHOICES that we should all respect each other for making different choices. Trust me, guys don't do this.
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Posted by Tue Dec 23, 2008 5:44pm PST
Report AbuseI noticed you would like to get to Wisconsin more to see family, that is where I live ,where in Wis?
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Posted by Sat Dec 27, 2008 11:18am PST
Report AbuseHo Jojo, my family is in Rice Lake, near Eau Claire in the northwest part of the state. I also have some family in Milwaukee.
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Posted by Mon Jan 12, 2009 7:21pm PST
Report AbuseBeth nice post !!and yes Choices and Respect. I was wondering if you and your family have made it to John Muir Woods , in Saucelito. I make it a point to stop there whenever I am in your area . Best to you BigRon
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Posted by Sun Feb 8, 2009 9:19am PST
Report AbuseHey Beth love the pic!!! I luv Breakfast at Tiffany's classic!!! Congrats on ur baby xoxoxo
Comments 1-10 of 10
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