Parenting

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Confession: I Smacked My Son

This mom lost her cool and now the guilt is a tough pill to swallow.

By Alanna Stang, of Cookie's The Agony and The Ecstasy

I did, I clapped him right on his meaty little 2-year-old thigh. We were on a train headed out to Long Island in the middle of the afternoon, just when he usually naps. I'd planned the trip thinking he'd snooze en route, but he was so excited by the "toot toot" (thank you, Thomas), he never settled down. A few stops before we had to change trains, I realized he'd pooped. With no changing table--let alone a bathroom--onboard, I spread out a few napkins and started the stinky job right there on the seat. Hardly ideal conditions, but I'd manage. Or so I thought. Punchy from the lack of sleep and the thrill of the ride, he tossed around, refusing to lay flat long enough for me to clean him up and get the new diaper in place. Of course, it was one of those massive, how-can-this-much-poop-come-out-of-such-a-small-kid? poops. And I worried that if he kept flailing something would get smeared.

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I tried everything from asking calmly, to demanding, to begging, to bribing to get him to stay still. But the more I warned, the more he wiggled. I could hear myself getting shrill and feel my exasperation rising. It seemed he was taunting me with every twist and turn. Then, in a flash, it happened: There was the crack of my hand against his flesh, my gasp, and his shriek. Both our eyes instantly filled with tears (though I managed to keep mine from spilling over). After I'd quickly fastened up his diaper, I gathered his bawling little body up in my trembling arms, and to my great relief, he was comforted. I knew the sound had been worse than the sting, as there was no red mark. Still I felt awful, out of control, guilty. 

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As soon as I got in the car, my heart still pounding, I told my husband that whole sordid story. He was totally unconcerned: He chuckled a bit at my exaggerated angst, declared it was "no big deal," and promptly changed the subject. The next day, I admitted the episode to a friend who has three kids, all older than mine. She also shrugged it off. The following week a close colleague was similarly unimpressed. No one was willing to grant me the absolution I was seeking. Eventually, I realized I needed to absolve myself: If my kid wasn't scarred, maybe I should just let it go? So I lost my cool for a moment. I'm not proud of it, but I have a feeling it won't be the last time.

Read more of our other editors' responses to Alanna's story...

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From the Community…

Comments 1-10 of 83
  • Kenda's Avatar
    Posted by Kenda Wed Aug 12, 2009 10:52am PDT

    What in the world possessed you to try to change a hyped up likely cranky 2 year old's diaper on a train?

    Honestly, it's normal that you feel ashamed, afraid, and guilty for hitting your child if that is not your chosen method of discipline.

    Report Abuse
  • Kristen's Avatar
    Posted by Kristen Wed Aug 12, 2009 8:02pm PDT

    There's a difference between a smack and beating your child. My mother spanked me when I misbehaved and I don't go around hurting people or myself.

    Report Abuse
  • Robyn's Avatar
    Posted by Robyn Wed Aug 12, 2009 8:43pm PDT

    i have to admit ive been there and often. i rarely rarely ever spank my daughter. but i have popped her open hand on the padded butt as that last resort, and that look of "you spanked me" is on her face i utter guilt takes over. just remember it was a last resort. i grew up always saying that i will never spank my children (mainly because my parents beat me), so i must really watch and observe myself, 'what am i angry at' is it really a fight that needs to be fought' 'can this be handled a different way'. just like you we tried everything in the book and came down to that 'pop'. your not a horrible parent and its ok to feel guilty, just dont let that guilt get in your way to discipline

    Report Abuse
  • Andrini's Avatar
    Posted by Andrini Wed Aug 12, 2009 11:04pm PDT

    I agree with Kristen. There is a difference. I got spanked, not beat when I was a child and I turned out fine. I have no emotional issues, I was a well-behaved teen. Why are parents so afraid to spank their kids nowadays?

    Report Abuse
  • Anna . W .'s Avatar
    Posted by Anna . W . Thu Aug 13, 2009 2:06am PDT

    i've been beatin(not spanked) and i have mental problems. im sure of it.

    Report Abuse
  • NicoleM's Avatar
    Posted by NicoleM Thu Aug 13, 2009 4:01am PDT

    I read an artical in some rediculous women's magazine that even reasonably swatting your child would permanently impare thier brain fuction...huh? Once in a blue moon, each of my children have been spanked (i.e. throwing paper inbetween the grate covering the heater's open flame by a seven year old with an I.Q. of 140) and now my oldest is in running start and will have her AA at 18. Toddlers, even really smart ones, are not great followers of reason.

    Report Abuse
  • Isabel's Avatar
    Posted by Isabel Thu Aug 13, 2009 6:05am PDT

    Are you serious? One little smack and you are freaking out? Honey, theres a line between abuse and discipline. Me, my neices, my sister in laws, my two brothers, we ALL got disciplined as kids. Only when your very young, you got smacked on the hand instead of anywhere else. Now grow up a bit and you fear the wrath of the belt. My nice gets spanked all the time and shes fine. Maybe its just us and we're used to it but ...idk, I think its normal.

    Report Abuse
  • Brittany's Avatar
    Posted by Brittany Thu Aug 13, 2009 6:34am PDT

    The reason kids are so out of control these days is because there isnt enough discipline coming from parents. You are the parent, you are supposed to be in control, and if a child acts out or they disobey, they get disciplined. Spear the Rod, Spoil the child. So dont freak out over smacking your kid. Like everyone has said already, there is a difference between abuse and discipline. The sad thing is, is that in today's society parents hardly have any more freedom to discipline their children without CPS or some other social service stepping in.

    Report Abuse
  • __A_YAHOO_USER__'s Avatar
    Posted by __A_YAHOO_USER__ Thu Aug 13, 2009 7:02am PDT

    I got beat with a belt as a kid. That's just the way you discipline kids in the islands (and trust me, there are a lot worse things to get beat with). i have no mental problems, i've never done drugs, never smoked a cigarette, lost my virginity at 21, own my own condo and hold a steady job at 25. Guess the beatings weren't such a bad thing after all.

    Report Abuse
  • ticklemesenseless's Avatar
    Posted by ticklemesenseless Thu Aug 13, 2009 7:16am PDT

    I agree with Kristen also there is a difference.

    Report Abuse
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