Crabmommy: Beware of hothouse parenting!

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  Posted by HotCrossBuns Thu May 29, 2008 1:13pm PDT

  Oh, THANK YOU for posting on this topic!! I have been a slacker-mom sitting on the sidelines watching the outcomes of my children's minor playground (---insert various other venues of choice here---)skirmishes with the same theory of this book. And boy have I gotten some dirty looks! It's tiring work sitting there, watghing things unfold, especially when you know it may (most likely) end up being your dear, sweet, innocent (or not!) offspring who gets the raw deal. Things aren't always going to be fair and work out for the betterment of all mankind, and kids have to learn how to deal with that just as much as they have to learn empathy and fairness towards others.

  I've never understood the parents who hover and, as I have often said, "micro-manage" their children. How in the world to do these parents expect their children to learn the cause/effect lessons we all have to find out on our own? Are those same parents going to go to school and follow these kids around until they go off to college? Are they going to set up a corner of their dorm so they can manage them through college? How about at a job interview? Are they going to go along and tell them how they should act, dress or say? At what point are these kids allowed to be the individuals the hopeful parents expect them to turn out to be?

  I guess as long as those control-hungry parents keep doing what their doing, they will HAVE to just what I mentioned above...Because their kids will surely never learn how to do any of it themselves. I speak from experience.

  I tell my kids all the time, "I made sure to have kids with good brains. Please use them to figure out your problems before asking me to do it for you!"

  Not to say I am not there to help pick up the pieces when things go awry.

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  Posted by C Fri May 30, 2008 4:39am PDT

  Thank you thank you thank you Crabmommy!

  My father teaches at the local community college. On occassion, I'm a guest speaker and I help grade assignments (such as those done in AutoCAD); one night while at my parents doing just that, my Dad received a phone call from someone's mother who was screaming at him for failing her son. Her son, who had done NONE of his homework assignments and had an average grade of 25% on his tests and quizzes. Wants Dad to pass him because "he just can't fail beginning engineering". Why not, lady? He didn't do the work and he didn't prove that he was paying one iota of attention, and furthermore, he's 20! Why are you fighting his battles? Are you going to fight with his boss when he's fired for being an incompetent doof?

  The best adjusted kids I know are the ones who have moms who let them play and learn, while instilling some discipline and manners in them.

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  Posted by jamiepea Fri May 30, 2008 7:01am PDT

  Oh my God, please pass the Zoloft! I'm going to need it...

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  Posted by Natalie K Fri May 30, 2008 7:14am PDT

  I totally agree with everything! I believe kids should not be sheltered, or "micro managed". They need to learn what society is like, good and bad. If they only see the good, or "right" things, they will never be able to make good, smart decisions in life. Independence, self confidence, and yes- even common sense!! is learned. I've always tried to let my 11 yr old son fight his own battles- while I watch at a distance- and talk to him about it afterward so he knows how to handle confrontation, and disagreements. I do the same thing about good stuff he does! HE NEEDS TO LEARN HOW TO MAKE GOOD CHOICES. He has a brain, he can use it!

  My favorite saying is "you always have a choice- good or bad. You may not like the choices offered, but you still have a choice."

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  Posted by RetroMom Fri May 30, 2008 7:52am PDT

  I have to ask: How many people actually stay home with their children until they are school age? My son has been in daycare, I call it school, since he was 3 mos old. If there was ever a place to learn how to be a kid and get along with others it's there. He's had his fair share of bites, or biting, but all in all he is a well adjusted kid for his age. Granted, he's only 15 mos old so I may be counting my chickens before they hatch....

  This book sounds like it is geared towards parents that think if they just parent enough, they will have the next Bill Gates or Josh Brolin in the making. I am going to coin the term "retro parent". I am going to parent my kid like I was parented, and like my mom and her mom were. Not that I am going to allow him to eat lead paint chips and leave school after the 8th grade to farm the family land, but I digress....

  Cover the basics, kids are pretty resilient and will learn everything regardless of the "pre pre kindergarten tutoring". Sorry Crabmommy, I think some of that kind of stuff is outlandish. Have fun with them, lead by example and do what you know is right, not what the insane majority tell you is right!

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  Posted by Crabmommy Fri May 30, 2008 7:59am PDT

  Lee Ann! "Retro parent!" I love it! It's brilliant. And the pre-pre-kindergarten tutoring I'm doing for rabtot...it was a joke. Cripes! :)

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  Posted by ginny Fri May 30, 2008 8:09am PDT

  I am constantly getting those looks from the other crazy parents who hover over their children, shelter them from life, and essentially are making them ill-prepared to deal w/ the harsh realities of the battlefield of life! I have 2 little girls, and, as a strong independant woman myself, feel that it is my responsibility to raise strong women who can go out into the world and work hard for what they want, all the time taking care of themselves and learning from the mistakes that they WILL make.

  Now that doesn't mean that I am not there to guide them and help them by talking it out, but I can't hold their hand through everything. I totally agree and see the negative way that this "hothouse parenting" is effecting our society.

  Really, I rant about this almost weekly, so thank God someone else sees where I am coming from....

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  Posted by Crabmommy Fri May 30, 2008 8:20am PDT

  Maureen, just to say that I too know that my new laid-back approach will encourage some dirty looks from other moms out there. How far (or backwards) have we come when moms take over the playground? Kind of absurd. Anyhoo, I'm going to grit my teeth and keep my butt on that bench. Stay strong, hands-off mommies!

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  Posted by RetroMom Fri May 30, 2008 8:25am PDT

  As far as the "retro parent" I want credit for that!!!!!

  Too bad it will show up in a head line and I won't be credited with it.

  I had to say something about the pre pre kindergarten thing! It's something that does not jive with my "retroness".

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  Posted by HatterasGirl Fri May 30, 2008 8:32am PDT

  I also LOVE "Retro Parent". That is exactly what we've being doing - trying to anyway. When my DH slipped into a period of guilt and over compensated and told DD over and over (in many ways) that the "it's all about her" - I took him aside and reminded him that it is NOT all about her - and that SOMEDAY she will learn this leason. We can teach it now in a loving way - or the world can hammer it home at a later date. Life is full of battles and the occasional joy. We have to be able to prepare them by letting them experience life. While we're still available to kiss the skinned knee or battered ego.

  It's not just that the way our parents taught us didn't "hurt" us - it helped us! Hey - my mom worked nights - and when she got home and took a nap - I left her ALONE. I didn't DARE wake her. I also didnt touch the stove. I didnt wander outside. I didnt need constant stimulation from TV, DVD, Games (we had a TV with 3 channels!!). I read books. I colored. I had GREAT encyclopdias to explore. I looked out the window. I daydreamed. Now my DD will say she needs more to do in the BATH (Cuz her uncles and friends have "more" bath toys). They have peer pressure like this at 5 yrs old! And I wont fold. I hug and love her and tell her she doesnt need more - she has plenty. She disagrees of course. But she lives through the horribly boring bath (LOL).

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