We rarely talk about the anger of being a parent. We know the lurking danger—of anger turning physical, or crossing a line. That means we also don't talk about the fact that we all lose it. Or the corollary fact that sometimes anger works.
So begins a recent post by Lisa Belkin at Motherlode, her New York Times blog. Motherlode has generally pithy posts on the usual range of parenting topics, and as a crabby mommy I got pretty excited when I sat down to read this one. Entitled "Can Yelling at your Kids be Good?" I prepared myself for something a little different, a little risqué. As one who frequently yells, the Crabmommy likes nothing more than a potential vindication of my colicky character. So when Belkin introduced guest blogger Susie Orman Schnall who shares a story of a moment she calls "frightening and memorable," I took notice.
It's a terrifying moment when you realize that you've done something in your childrens' formative years that just may become formative. One of those episodes that was so memorable, so—dare I say—traumatic, that it becomes an actual childhood memory.
After this opening, I'm hooked. Clearly we're going to get a story of a woman really cracking in front of the kids, a True Mom Confessions-style story, but in the New York Times. Evidently this mom has something serious to admit—a story of how she really lost her marbles, of how she totally freaked her family out as she morphed into Medusa-mommy before their terrified eyes, saying and doing dreadful things! After all, why else would she be guesting on the Times blog? And I'm thinking even after the terrible thing that Mom is about to admit to, we're going to have a thought-provoking discussion of how anger can occasionally be good. Anger can be shocking and ugly, but sometimes life is ugly and it's not always bad idea to give your kids a preview of what that looks like—of what authentic, raw adult feelings look like without the Mommy Filter in place. Or something like that.
Sadly the scary story (It's called "The Day Mom Threw the Crayons") isn't scary at all. The only thing scary about it is that its author sees her ridiculously safe and mundane anecdote as an example of what a true freak-out looks like. If you want to read the piece, go here. In a nutshell, here's what happens: kids draw on dining table, Mom gets mad, picks up bucket of crayons, dumps them on floor, screams to kids to clean up the mess, runs upstairs, comes down, apologizes, explains, group hug, everyone learns. (Do some mothers coddle their kids too much?)
Here's what I learned: when the Times wants to talk about something difficult and controversial in its parenting blog—like unchecked, unpleasant, but not uncommon anger as it happens to good parents—it's too scared to allow someone to tell a truly scary story. But the truth is motherhood can, at times, bring out the beast in even the best mom. I'm not looking for a story of physical or verbal abuse here, readers. I'm just looking for the real deal. Sometimes you lose it completely and totally and there's no group hug at the end. Sometimes you lose it and you regret it. Or maybe you don't regret it. Now that would be interesting to read.
Related: Have you been embarrassed after disciplining your child in public?
What really scares me: when insipid stories like this one run in important venues, they make crabby REAL mommies feel even more alone. If tossing some crayons on the floor and making your naughty tykes clean them up is monstrous (and makes Mom wonder if she has scarred them for life!), then what does that say about the rest of us?
This piece makes me crazy. I need to go and shout at someone, break something. Motherlode, you should have come to me.
Thoughts, anyone? I plan to share my next major mommy meltdown right here, uncensored. Will you join me?
Related: Don't want to lose your cool in front of
your kids?
Here are some ways to temper the toddler tantrum without the
screaming about shouting.
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