Parenting

From the Community…

• 
  Posted by HotCrossBuns Wed Aug 6, 2008 4:36pm PDT

  We decided on 2 children, and we were going to be satisfied no matter what gender(s) they were. We ended up with 3, and boy was that a surprise (when #2 was only 6 mos old!. After the last was born I had my tubes tied to make sure he would most certainly be the last. Now I wish I had waited and had at least one more, because with 3 there is always an odd-man-out situation. I talk to other moms who have 4 or more and they tell me 3 is the hardest for that exact reason.

  Looking back, if Kid2 and Kid3 weren't so close together (they're 15 mos apart), I may have had a different outlook on the situation and been willing to consider more. I was just so overwhelmed with a 3 yr old, a 1 yr old and a newborn and made a rash decision.

  When you're already feeding 3 little hungry mouths, what's one more?

  Report Abuse
• 
  Posted by Sam Wed Aug 6, 2008 5:13pm PDT

  I read all of the articles that you suggested. My husband and I have been going back and forth for 2 years on whether or not to keep having children. Before we got married, my husband said he wanted 4, while I wasn't even sure if I wanted more than the 1 son who I already had from a previous relationship. Then we had Avi. Our second son. And I loved him as much as my first! But the pregnancy was quite difficult before I got to meet him and see his beautiful face. So my husband said he didn't want to go through another pregnancy like that again. And that hurt. And for some reason, I wanted another child right after I had just had Avery. I have always loved children but am always afraid that I will mess up in my parenting. So I feel like I am constantly "tiptoeing" by having 1 child at a time and allowing myself enough time to think of having another.

  Now Avi is going to be 2. And people have been pressuring me for over 2 years, since they knew I was having a boy to have a girl. B/c Jae, my eldest is a boy. But I love my 2 beautiful boys. And I am not sure if having a girl will hurt my relationship with them. I don't want to mess up what we have. I want Jae and Avi to see the world and take the vacations to France that I always wished I could have taken in the summers. I like reading to them and having time to wipe off their little faces without ever feeling rushed. And I love to talk to them about their favorite things. Like dinosaurs and Barney.

  However, I wonder if I regret later down the road that I didn't have my girl. But what if I try for a girl and get a boy? I know I will love my children but will I be resentful because I am extremely outnumbered??? There are so many questions and no answers. I have tried to talk to others and everyone gives me the typical "advice" is that we need to have a girl. We should be trying for a girl. And I almost want to stop having children out of defiance. I feel sad and now I am thinking of getting my tubes tied just so I want have to think about any of it again. So I can finally, wholeheartedly and simply enjoy my beautiful little men who God already blessed me with. I don't know why I should be saddled with the thoughts of a child who I am not even pregnant with. Who does not exist. I told my husband, we will enjoy our sons and if we are not pregnant by the time Avi is 2 1/2 then we will not try for anyone. I will get my tubes tied and he will get a vasectomy (so I won't be alone in my final choice). And I don't think I will regret my decision because I love my sons and my husband so much. They are my best friends. Daughter or not. I know I have them, here...right now...in the present. And that is what I choose to focus on. The loves of my life who I adore and who absolutely adore me.

  Report Abuse
• 
  Posted by fine.whatever.. Wed Aug 6, 2008 5:31pm PDT

  i wanted at least 4 but after the first 2 were difficult babies ( colic, tantrums, not sleeping through night till after age 2 years...) we had settled with 1B and 1G but then got a surprise and after an awful pregnancy DH was totally done with having bio kids but i am still hoping we can adopt an older girl in a few years when all my current kids are school age.

  Report Abuse
• 
  Posted by daytripper Wed Aug 6, 2008 5:45pm PDT

  Very touching article. Thanks for sharing!

  I relate to every story on a different level. For zero kids, I'm afraid of raising a mini-Me; for one, I get a deep, one-on-one relationship; for two, we get [future] best friends [hopefully]; and for three, I get what I most crave from life: CHAOS! I'm one of those that relishes in the stuff.

  And I'm sure history will repeat itself. I'm the eldest, so I was the "practice kid". My younger brother got away with murder while I got yelled at. I just know that I'll be making the "mistakes" with the 1st and be "correcting" them with the rest.

  Report Abuse
• 
  Posted by mom2four Wed Aug 6, 2008 7:15pm PDT

  Well, as the name suggests I have four - three boys and one girl (aged 2 through 10). We wanted three and they were two years apart. Then the HUGE surprise came along when I got pregnant, at age 39, and ON THE PILL!! Yes, nothing is 100% effective, and no, I didn't miss any pills. I was very upset. I work full time and felt at my limit already. I cried alot during that last pregnancy, and felt terrible about feeling that way. Well, now my wonderful baby boy is two and an absolute joy!! Couldn't imagine life without him, and somehow we manage. Although, I won't kid you, it can be tough, and very crazy at times. However, the one piece of advice I always give people is that you should definitely have more than one, because they entertain each other. Ultimately, the built in playmate and little helper, makes it easier on the parent.

  Oh, the second piece of advice is get your tubes tied! I wasn't going to take anymore chances!

  Report Abuse
• 
  Posted by psychicquill Wed Aug 6, 2008 7:23pm PDT

  I have eight siblings. Ever since I was a kid I've wanted a big family (at least 6 kids) and that's what my husband and I are working on. I've always thought that kids with only one or two siblings must get lonely a lot growing up.

  Report Abuse
• 
  Posted by ~*~Royce~*~ Wed Aug 6, 2008 10:22pm PDT

  Mom to six here. One girl-13 and five boys-10,8,6,and idential twins that are 5. My only advice is, you will know in your heart when you have had enough children. My husband comes from a big family with 7 siblings and he knew he wanted to have a big family and I had only two other siblings that were 10 and 11 years older than me and I always thought that one day I too would have a large family. Presto! Here we are.lol.

  Comment to Sam4- I have time and make time for all of children for one on one. So don't let that stop you if you want more children. YOu learn to manage your time wisely.

  Report Abuse
• 
  Posted by MistressMinx _ Thu Aug 7, 2008 8:48am PDT

  I didn't get to decide. Life decided for me. After 3 years, I finally ended up with one. Then came the cheating spouse. Then a divorce. So, I got 1, with no option of anything else. So, while I didn't really get to decide, I've worked it all out and I'm fine with it. I love my life and my daughter and things are very good the way they are.

  Report Abuse
• 
  Posted by JeanneMommy Thu Aug 7, 2008 10:06am PDT

  I was perfectly happy not having kids. It was something that could go either way for me. Then my husband looked at me and told me how he couldn't live without me, and we should have children so we have a piece of each other (incase something happened). I thought it was so moving, and I loved him so much, I agreed. In the end, I have an awesome son, and can't imagine life without him. The subject of more children comes up in response to my son being an only child. I have no emotional need to spread myself thin between multiple children. I find most people make life altering decisions on a purely emotional basis.

  Report Abuse
• 
  Posted by Beth Thu Aug 7, 2008 1:38pm PDT

  I definitely relate to the woman in the article "More or Less" who went with zero. As a little girl I fansied the idea of being a cute stay at home mom while my big strong husband took care of me while I took care of the house and our twins a boy and a girl. See twins runs in the family and I'm next in line to get them since my cousin didn't have them. Then I grew up and I realized that I love myself and already stretch my big heart enough to everyone else that I deserved some little bit for me. My boyfriend agreed with me on the idea because not only that but we both have pretty shitty genetic makeups. Even though my mom isn't too pleased with that descision, I don't feel like there is something missing in my life. I'm too busy enjoying a local theater group, building up my career, traveling at a moment's notice. Selfish? Abso ----- lutely and I don't feel the least bit guilty.

  Report Abuse