Parenting

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Do you brag about your kids to strangers?

"He's reading at a fourth-grade level even though he's only in third," a dad tells me. We're at an indoor soccer class where Crabkid is meant to be dribbling and trapping the ball along with her fellow four-year-olds but she's lying on the floor instead. She's bored. Me too. Because I'm trapped with Bragdaddy.

A bit of background: I know this dad slightly, but not well. He's talking about his older kid. We are engaged in what is idle chitchat. He's probably not meaning to brag, but I'm sorry! He's reading at a fourth-grade level. That line just drives me bonkers!

Related: Mommas need to know how to accept compliments without being smug.

That line drives me bonkers because I've heard it before, and I'm sure I'm not alone in finding it smug and annoying. Why is it that acquaintances and strangers seem to think others will find the reading level of their child to be fascinating news? I realize said child's intellectual performance is staggering to his dad but it really isn't to me because I'm not his parent.

Yep, if there's one thing guaranteed to bug the Crabmommy it's a braggy dad or mom. As mom to an intellectual and athletic genius myself I can certainly sympathize with the desire to shout one's offspring's achievements to the rooftops. But hard as it is, I hold my tongue. Because I know that what is marvelous to me, isn't meaningful to someone else. Really, it's all relative, in the most literal sense of the word. Or okay, boast to your closest friends if you want them to know that six-year-old Copernicus can read the word "thought" and spell his own name, but don't tell that stranger on the airplane in the seat next to you. She doesn't want to know. 

Anyone else gag at a brag lately? Or are you a bragger and righteously unashamed?

Related: Braggy moms and photo-sharing etiquette.

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Comments 1-10 of 20
  • mom of 3's Avatar
    Posted by mom of 3 Mon Jan 12, 2009 4:33pm PST

    I brag about my kids to any unsuspecting person who asks how they are doing... it's their fault for asking! I have never been nor will I ever be a "how are you doing?" "fine" kinda person. You ask, you receive.

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  • April Hughes's Avatar
    Posted by April Hughes Mon Jan 12, 2009 5:29pm PST

    People who live through their kids have no lives! Tell me your kid is feeding hungry people in Haiti and I will be impressed. I am a rebel, I once heard someone bragging about their stupid "honor student" bumper sticker. I wanted to run out and buy "my kid beat up your honor student". Or "my child was inmate of the month at xyz correctional." Next time that dad sits by you, you should say "yeah, crabkid is reading at 4 year old level, isn't that awesome?"

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  • April Hughes's Avatar
    Posted by April Hughes Mon Jan 12, 2009 5:29pm PST

    People who live through their kids have no lives! Tell me your kid is feeding hungry people in Haiti and I will be impressed. I am a rebel, I once heard someone bragging about their stupid "honor student" bumper sticker. I wanted to run out and buy "my kid beat up your honor student". Or "my child was inmate of the month at xyz correctional." Next time that dad sits by you, you should say "yeah, crabkid is reading at 4 year old level, isn't that awesome?"

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  • jennylorraine's Avatar
    Posted by jennylorraine Mon Jan 12, 2009 5:33pm PST

    you should have told BragDaddy, "Wow, that is impressive! I am 34 years old, and i am at a 3rd grade reading level. Good for your little guy!!"

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  • G's Avatar
    Posted by G Mon Jan 12, 2009 6:22pm PST

    No,but I can't stand people that do. My dentist talks non-stop about his kids and what is so annoying about it is that he makes up stories to make them sound as if they are super human. All he does is brag. And of course you just have to sit there as your mouth is full of tubes and whatever.No one kids are that interesting. It's nice to be proud but enough allready!

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  • Beth's Avatar
    Posted by Beth Mon Jan 12, 2009 6:44pm PST

    April H you need to lighten up. A kid being an honor student is brag-worthy in this day and age.

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  • JstT's Avatar
    Posted by JstT Mon Jan 12, 2009 6:57pm PST

    its been tough for me to deal with my kids coz i left working abroad since i got widowed and they wer 2 and 3 yrs old. They never understand that i work abroad to give them a better living, we spoke online often but i still notice some missing pieces. And they are good and behave when am around but when i left and go back to work here abroad they return into a stubborn brat kids again.

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  • Charlene Prince Birkeland, Shine staff's Avatar
    Posted by Charlene Prince Birkeland, Shine staff Mon Jan 12, 2009 8:31pm PST

    I'm always interested in comments about this topic, mostly because it seems like it's okay for parents to complain about their kids and parenting in general, but it's not okay for parents to share the goodness (and it's viewed as bragging). Why are we so opposed to good news?

    Unless someone is blatantly gloating, I love hearing stories from parents about their kids, especially positive ones.

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  • Crabmommy's Avatar
    Posted by Crabmommy Mon Jan 12, 2009 9:08pm PST

    Hi all,

    jennylorraine, your answer cracks me up!

    Charlene: I also love to hear good news about people's kids and enjoy sharing happy moments even if my Crabmommy name suggests otherwise! But I would say that i am sensitive to what I see as a tendency in American culture to boast on behalf of kids. From honor roll stickers to discussions about advanced reading level, I see these things as evidence of a focus on winning and competitiveness. This may not always be the case, for sure, but I think it's worth discussing why some people feel the need to tell the world about their kids' achievements while others find this to be distasteful. I like to celebrate what is sweet and fun and charming and funny about our wonderful kids the same as the next mom, but hard as it is to do, I try hard to reserve my busting-with-pride moments in her achievements for those in our immediate family.

    I also would disagree with you when you say "it seems okay for parents to complain about kids and parenting"; as one who does it often in my blog, I get plenty of flak for being the Crabmommy. of course, that's what I signed up for so I can't complain about that part! :)

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  • Charlene's Avatar
    Posted by Charlene Mon Jan 12, 2009 10:16pm PST

    Ok, I have become a posting maniac these last couple days. I don't know what happened to me that when I gave birth I went form a human being that had every day interests to sharing stories of my child's poo with virtual strangers. I once whipped the sock off my sleeping infant at the grocery store so the clerk could see his beautiful feet. Yes, looking back on it now it's cringe-worthy. But at that sleep-deprived moment it seemed completely normal.

    I think most parents are guilty of both behaviors. Ask anyone I work with, it's a roller coaster ride, and when I sleep it's up, and when I don't it's down. Granted, he's not yet two, so there are nights occasionally when I don't sleep (mostly because his cute little chiclet teeth are trying to come in!). But when I do, watch out! My co-workers are sick to death of me talking about my son, and my complaints that I want more time with him (come on, I work three days a week. Seriously, they want to kill me for this complaint)

    I am still not sure what happened for me to have become this person! I work in the medical field, I am not the first person to go through this or have this dilemma. But I cannot for the life of me quit yammering on about how adorable or maddening or worrying his certain behaviors are! I was once a real person (though admittedly, I shared cat stories. Good God! I've traded one for the other!) And by his bedtime, I am glad and sad that the day is ending. I love to listen to him wind down on the monitor, and hope to goodness I can remember the sound of it when I'm old. He makes me laugh twenty times a day, and still makes me crazy because he doesn't sit still even to eat. He's busy, and active, and no, I don't always know exactly in the house where he is, but you know what? I don't think I would trade it for the world. I have the occasional daydream where I get to go spend a day doing what I want, and I'm always home after about 3-4 hours because I'm lonely without him.

    So, yes, most parents I think, brag. Is it an attractive trait we have? No, but we do it because we either have to or don't know how to shut the hell up.

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