Parenting

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Don't We Working Moms Have it All?

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I'm lying on the bed with my laptop, up to my ears in deadlines, watching a video of Leo eating Oatios. First, he flops onto his tummy on the couch with his snack cup. Then, he kicks the couch a few times in preparation. Next, he removes an O from the cup and places it on the couch. He regards it briefly before diving for it like a water bird. Then he repeats the procedure. Is this, maybe, boring?

It's heart-wrenching to me. I just want to watch my boy snack on a sunny afternoon forever.

I went back to work today, this time for three months of 9-5 office life. We've pieced together a jigsaw puzzle of childcare (thanks Mom and Dad!) and today Leo and Aaron left before me. I washed the dishes, tried to wear something nicer than a jean skirt, then gave up, and left for Midtown with a spring in my step.

I feel truly ready for this gig. Leo's old enough to manage with childcare all day, he's weaned so I'm not distracted by the breast pump anymore, and in general I feel able to focus and do adult work. Maybe it's because Leo stopped nursing—pretty much just lost interest—that my body feels like my own, and with it, my mind, and, in some ways, my life. I feel like I can think about myself again, and pursue outside interests.

I got ready for work by cooking a bunch too. A high school friend of mine who lives overseas came for dinner last weekend, and to celebrate the holiday weekend, we grilled steaks and served them with grain salad (I added corn, used chives in place of scallions, subtracted the bell pepper and green beans), green salad, and ratatouille. I made mountains of everything, so we could take grain salad for our lunches and freeze ratatouille for later meals (it's great with fish, chicken, meat, polenta, rice, eggs…).

I also prepared some meals for Leo in containers, including tortellini with some of the green beans and summer squash from the ratatouille. He’s into edamame this week, so I steamed a bunch. And he still loves steamed kohlrabi, though at heart he’s a dairy and pasta boy.

Our diet is going well. We're shocked by how many opportunities come up where we would ordinarily have bought ourselves a treat—a tasty street snack, a cold, sugary drink, lunch out because we ran out of ideas…and now we resist. We're only sort of kidding when I lie on the couch after dinner saying I'm hungry and Aaron says “oh, sweety, would you like an ice cube?” Sort of, but then I sit there and slurp away at some ice for "dessert."

I'm right on track. Sticking to my diet. Settling in at work, with a stocked fridge at home, a childcare plan, a supportive husband, and more physical and mental energy than I've had in a long time. And at the end of Day One, I'm lying here watching the Leo snack cup video, thinking about how much I'm going to miss. I know, we can’t have it all. But I may need to drown my sorrows in a tall glass of seltzer.

Originally published in Mom Apetit, Zoe Singer's recipe and new-mom blog on FitPregnancy.com

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From the Community…

Comments 1-10 of 19
  • Maya's Avatar
    Posted by Maya Thu Sep 17, 2009 11:03am PDT

    Funny you should ask that because I recently thought about all of my friends, and the happiest people that I know are working people with children. I have a couple of girlfriends that are married with kids and don't work, and I hate to say it but they both seem like they're scraping to find things that make them feel complete.

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  • Carrie's Avatar
    Posted by Carrie Thu Sep 17, 2009 11:42am PDT

    I think having it all means something very different to each person. I think its fantastic that you love your life and I hope that everyone can find that!! For me, having it all means that I get to watch my daughter play and learn in person, while being able to volunteer and sit on advisory boards of causes I think are important, but that's just me! Not everyone would love that! So to everyone- find what works for you and your family and respect that it may look different from someone else. And please, everyone, don't think that your way is somehow better because it is perfect for you!

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  • Sophia Marie's Avatar
    Posted by Sophia Marie Thu Sep 17, 2009 12:02pm PDT

    Every stay at home mother I know is depressed! Ughh, when I have children I will definitly be a working mother to keep my sanity.

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  • miss my family's Avatar
    Posted by miss my family Thu Sep 17, 2009 12:05pm PDT

    Well the happiest people I know are the parents who stay at home. All the working parents I know if they both work their house is a wreck, they are always depressed, and their kids are always begging for attention. During my childhood I always had a stay at home parent. My mom most of the time but when I was 4 my dad. I NEVER went to a daycare or a pre-school i went to school k-3 and then was home schooled because the school was being cruel to one of my sisters. My mom was very happy to be home, whenever she was working (the few times she did) she was depressed. I am a firm believer that God meant for at least one parent to be a stay at home parent. Why is it a crime to raise our own children? And all that money your wasting on daycare is pretty much the amount of your paycheck so your basically working to pay for daycare. Kids are blessings not something we are supposed to hand off to someone else for them to raise. I understand single parents but I don't understand couples. My dad never made a bunch of money (he worked at walmart) and he managed to support our family of 7! And we never went without our needs. Sometimes things got tight but we never went hungry or without electricity. My dad said he never regretted having mom be a stay at home parent. We had a double wide trailer a mini van and 7 acres of land. And this was in the 80's and 90's so it's not like this was a long time ago where "times were different" I can't imagine what it would be like if I were one of these kids who only see their parents early in the morning and later in the afternoon. I know I'd be very depressed to only see my child for a few hours a day. They start to look at their parents like they are just money machines rather than parents. All the families I've seen it's always been negative for both parents to work. The kids are bratty and wanting attention and the parents don't want to punish them (because they feel guilty) and don't have enough time to spend with them.

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  • Mo B's Avatar
    Posted by Mo B Thu Sep 17, 2009 1:08pm PDT

    Nanner, I'm not sure who those working parents who are always depressed are but have you ever thought it's not the fact that their working but maybe it's something else in their life. I personally would be miserable being a stay at home mom, I'd be way to bored. I love working and then going home to take care of my daughter. I think that daycare did her a world of good, social interactions away from parents are much different then if you're there at a playgroup. One of my favorite parts of the day use to be picking her up from daycare and watching her play when she didn't know I was around. Also you're assuming everyone doesn't make much money and not able to really afford daycare, I had no problem. Now having her in school she is learning a lot and I am confident that she is well taken care of. My house is not a mess, there are days that after work and soccer practice and racing home for a bath and food before bed I don't feel like cleaning up or doing the dishes. But that's ok, I do clean but being away from the hosue and busy doesn't leave much time to get the house messy.

    Happiness is different for everyone. We each want something different in life, where one person loves being a stay at home mom the next may actualy enjoy working and being away from the home.

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  • Chris E's Avatar
    Posted by Chris E Thu Sep 17, 2009 1:56pm PDT

    This is such a polarizing issue. But I can say, I have done both, the SAHM thing and the FTWM thing. There are pros and cons to each, that's for sure. But overall, the person who benefitted the most from my SAHM status, was my husband. My children were happy and healthy either way. The daycare child was more social, played better with others, and much more self sufficient that the child I stayed at home with later. When I stayed at home with them, they were hard to entertain, because they only had each other, and required constant action, due to formerly being in daycare. But we got to do many fun things while I was at home (hanging out at the pool, attending library classes, etc.) So there are pro's and con's to everything. But I have to admit, when I stayed at home, I did not feel nearly as equal to my husband, because the house and the kids became my job, when I am working the housekeeping and childrearing are much more equal, which I strongly prefer! It was never an agreement between my husband and I, it just gradually happened. I much prefer a more equal distibution of childcare and housekeeping that only happens in my house when I am working.

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  • Aira's Avatar
    Posted by Aira Thu Sep 17, 2009 9:03pm PDT

    when i grow up, i wanna be someone like you....

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  • JoKTM's Avatar
    Posted by JoKTM Thu Sep 17, 2009 9:14pm PDT

    I know people women are SAHM and working moms both have normal family issues and neither one would want to do what the other one does. My assistant teacher has her 1yr old daughter enrolled at the child care center we work at. Where I work the walls are all glass, so she can see her daughter in the classroom 2 doors down. Ashley gets to see her daughter at lunch and can go into her classroom 4x a day. To Ashley she has it all caus she works and gets to see her daughter. Right now I think I have it all because I work with 2yr olds get to go home, take a nap, eat dinner, watch tv, spend time with my husband and go to bed. I do want a child but I enjoy my time without one for now.

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  • Danielle's Avatar
    Posted by Danielle Fri Sep 18, 2009 7:26am PDT

    Seltzer and ice? Wow, I hope that depravation make you sleep real warm and fuzzy at night. Me I'd rather be fat and happy eating what I want than thin and miserable.

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  • Danielle's Avatar
    Posted by Danielle Fri Sep 18, 2009 7:26am PDT

    Seltzer and ice? Wow, I hope that depravation make you sleep real warm and fuzzy at night. Me I'd rather be fat and happy eating what I want than thin and miserable.

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