Finding a healthy balance: family-time vs. personal-time

photo: aeschill

Here is a topic dear to my heart that I think is important for mothers and all care-takers. It is the topic of having a healthy balance between personal time and family time. I battled with this issue in the beginning of my "motherhood" days. I devoted 100% to my family, but neglected myself. Having always been “productive” throughout my life from college, graduate school, career, and community work I essentially looked at my new role, a stay at home mom, as my new “job”. Therefore, I gave it my all, my full dedication, because this meant so much more to me. From sun up to sun down I had a scheduled agenda full of activities for my little ones and I each day. My house was immaculate, even with 2 little kids, and I generally always had dinner done for my husband when he returned home from work. My days often included nursing, reading, playing, going to the park, having playgroups, visiting museums, cooking 3 meals a day for 2 kids and 2 adults, cleaning, running errands, washing clothes and the list goes on and on. Isn’t that what I was supposed to do? Wasn’t that my job as a wife and mother? What else was I going to do now that I was at home full time with my family?

The problem was I devoted so much of my time to everyone else, but neglected time for myself.

Unfortunately, as I was trying to be super-mom and super-wife I was slowly becoming super-weak me. Literally, I started having body pains I had never experienced including headaches, back pain, muscle, and joint pains. I went to my doctor, because I was certain that I had developed rheumatoid arthritis. To my surprise he told me I was 100% healthy, one of the healthiest people he had seen in a while, and that I had no medical problems. However, he determined my physical ailments were more likely related to a subconscious stress.

Rather than being happy about not having a health problem, I was completely upset with myself. I had developed a psycho-physiological problem, because I was not cognizant enough to maintain a healthy balance between family time and time for things that made me happy outside of them.

I have long since overcome that imbalance and live a very healthy balanced life. Some of the things that helped me achieve this balance include:

· Exercising – it affords me time away from everyone where I can focus on me and my health. I feel energized during and afterwards; and the results are great too.

· Volunteering – allows me an opportunity to feel productive and nurtures my life's passion.

· Spending time alone – doing whatever I want such as surf the internet, read a book, watch television, go to a store alone, be crafty, etc. It is a time I am not bothered by anyone.

· Hanging out with friends – there is nothing like getting away from your home base to appreciate your home base. Although, I may talk about my family the entire time it is still great to have a break from them.

Finding a healthy balance with everything in your life is important. As much as I love being at home with my family, and would not trade it for the world, I have found it necessary to maintain such a balance between family-time and personal-time. I am able to maintain who I am outside of them by staying connected to my core personality, and I remain healthy from the indirect ramifications of not getting that balance.

What are your thoughts on balancing family-time and personal-time?

What are some of things you do to find that balance?

From the Community…

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Posted by btostado Wed Jun 25, 2008 1:32pm PDT

your suggestions are great and i believe that we all know that we as moms should be doing things for ourselves but the 1 million dollar questions is how do we find the time? if anyone can make suggestions that would be wonderful. Thank you,

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Posted by taleayahjohnson Wed Jun 25, 2008 3:35pm PDT

Hi, btostado. Finding time for yourself is often difficult especially when you have little ones. However, I have discovered the key to finding personal time for me is being alittle selfish, and others such as my husband and my kid must also assist me. When I am having my quiet time, dad is responsible for the kids' needs and they simply hang out with him during that time.
Also, it may require you to do some adjusting such as maybe getting up a little earlier than the family to exercise, or do whatever you want in order to have that time alone to do whatever.
I am a scheduler. Perhaps consider scheduling out your day to ensure you have time for you. That way you are more efficient with your time when running errands and doing family activities. So at the end of the day or in the middle of the day you can find the time you need for yourself.
I hope some of these suggestions work for you.

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Posted by ebonypearcy Thu Jun 26, 2008 11:44am PDT

Wednesday is "mom's night off". We have breakfast for dinner (a meal that my husband can not possibly wreck) and I do no laundry, picking up, or anything. I generally work out after work, go home and shower,eat dinner, and retreat to my room for the rest of the night. It's a great mid-week pick me up and affords my husband and son to spend some boy-time playing football or just hanging out.

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Posted by achtungebaby Fri Jun 27, 2008 2:49am PDT

well, after 8 years of marrage and being a mom for 3kids, 2 are 6 years,and 1year old. im still trying to find time for myself. at fist, my husband wont let me out because he think that he couldn't take care of his son, eaven if i were slept him before i go out, and now they are 3, i cant go to jym which i need so much, i cat hang out with friends because i dont have any now. i rarely have time for enternet.and there is another thing, i love to fill up my agenda with activities 4 my kids but i dont know how, coz i dont have much choices.

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Posted by davidjohnson0175 Fri Jun 27, 2008 4:55pm PDT

I have to say that it is OK to be self-ish at times and the other spouse/partner/ friend, what- you- have, needs to be understanding and allow for that time to be taken. To take time out for yourself requires full support from the other- there should be no feeling of guilt and reprocussions of taking this time. It should be fully supported and encouraged. As a husband (to the author, I might add), we had to recongize this together and cross those paths of understanding. Its a balancing act and its about respect and care for one another. I take my time as well. With that said, there is a balance of self time taken. There is not much of it, so we have to share the allotted time equally. In addition, don't forget to save enough time to spend with each other, which is equally important. I feel good about the path we are on, the understanding and support that has been created. It is tough and a balancing act to raise kids, manage finances, maintain the household, maintain employment, love each other, have fun, enjoy life, spend time alone/with-each-other/ as a family. But, I have to say, I love being married to this women, I love our kids, and I enjoy our life in this unforgiving world- I feel blessed and motivated to wake up every morning to get back in the grind.

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Posted by davidjohnson0175 Fri Jun 27, 2008 4:55pm PDT

I have to say that it is OK to be self-ish at times and the other spouse/partner/ friend, what- you- have, needs to be understanding and allow for that time to be taken. To take time out for yourself requires full support from the other- there should be no feeling of guilt and reprocussions of taking this time. It should be fully supported and encouraged. As a husband (to the author, I might add), we had to recongize this together and cross those paths of understanding. Its a balancing act and its about respect and care for one another. I take my time as well. With that said, there is a balance of self time taken. There is not much of it, so we have to share the allotted time equally. In addition, don't forget to save enough time to spend with each other, which is equally important. I feel good about the path we are on, the understanding and support that has been created. It is tough and a balancing act to raise kids, manage finances, maintain the household, maintain employment, love each other, have fun, enjoy life, spend time alone/with-each-other/ as a family. But, I have to say, I love being married to this women, I love our kids, and I enjoy our life in this unforgiving world- I feel blessed and motivated to wake up every morning to get back in the grind.

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Posted by davidjohnson0175 Fri Jun 27, 2008 4:55pm PDT

I have to say that it is OK to be self-ish at times and the other spouse/partner/ friend, what- you- have, needs to be understanding and allow for that time to be taken. To take time out for yourself requires full support from the other- there should be no feeling of guilt and reprocussions of taking this time. It should be fully supported and encouraged. As a husband (to the author, I might add), we had to recongize this together and cross those paths of understanding. Its a balancing act and its about respect and care for one another. I take my time as well. With that said, there is a balance of self time taken. There is not much of it, so we have to share the allotted time equally. In addition, don't forget to save enough time to spend with each other, which is equally important. I feel good about the path we are on, the understanding and support that has been created. It is tough and a balancing act to raise kids, manage finances, maintain the household, maintain employment, love each other, have fun, enjoy life, spend time alone/with-each-other/ as a family. But, I have to say, I love being married to this women, I love our kids, and I enjoy our life in this unforgiving world- I feel blessed and motivated to wake up every morning to get back in the grind.

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Posted by Stephanie S Sat Jun 28, 2008 11:05pm PDT

I acknowledge and understand that mom's need time to themselves occasionally. I would just like to know when? As a divorced, single, working mother I feel every moment I have that is not spent at work should be devoted to my kids. I have neighbors who work out at 4:00 am, and leave the kids at home with Dad. I have no assistance, and a sitter is just a luxury expense I cannot afford. When, where, and how do single mom's get a moment to themselves? All Iwould really like is a bath with no one beating on the door! Ha! Ha!

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Posted by annrowleygilbert Mon Jun 30, 2008 4:05pm PDT

Both kids are napping? Their favorite show is on TV? A family memeber is visiting? I had to keep a list of things I could do in a half hour time period so that I could catch my off time (sit outside alone, call my sister or do jumping jacks in the back yard) without the dishes and laundry catching my eye. It makes a huge difference in your attitude and I have gotten better and better at thinking ahead to scheudle time for me. Try it. Just remeber to stop and breath.

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Posted by Working mom Mon Jun 30, 2008 4:35pm PDT

Easier said than done when you working outside the home full time - it makes that non-working time even more important to spend with the kiddos. I get basically no alone time. To single mom, maybe you can find someone to trade babysitting with, just for and hour and a half in the middle of the day Saturday, so the person watching your little ones doesn't need to commit to a whole dinner/bedtime babysitting session. Oh yeah, and don't waste too much time on housework, try to really minimize it. I have a bunch of tips on that, also easier said than done!

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