Parenting

Monday, November 30, 2009

Green-Eyed Monster: Does motherhood bring out your insecurities?

by Risa Green (Tales from the Mommy Track)

When it comes to men, I am not, by nature, a jealous person. Ten years ago, when all of our friends were getting married and my husband was running off to Vegas every other weekend for a bachelor party, I didn’t freak out at the thought of him going to a strip club, or balk at the idea of a “private show” for twenty guys in a hotel room. And back when we were still dating and living in different cities, I didn’t care if he had dinner with an ex-girlfriend, or if he went to a movie with an attractive female friend of his from high school. Part of this, I think, is that I trust my husband; but the bigger part of it is that I have always been confident that he won’t find anyone better than me. I don’t mean to sound obnoxious or anything, but I think I’m a pretty good catch. I’m smart and nice and I can be funny sometimes, and I have common sense and good values, and oh yeah – I’m pretty. Not that I’m like, a supermodel or anything, but you know, relatively speaking, I’ve always looked okay.

But that was ten years ago. Now, suddenly, at thirty-seven – as the skin under my eyes is getting crepe-y, as my metabolism has begun to slow, as the years of stressing and laughing have permanently etched themselves into my furrowed brow and my nasal-labial folds – now, suddenly, that confidence is beginning to wane. Plus, it doesn’t help that everywhere I turn, men who have cheated on their wives is the main topic of conversation, much like which preschool you were applying to was the discussion du jour five years ago, and which wedding planner you were using was the one five years before that. It’s as if I’ve entered a stage of life that nobody really talks about, but yet seems to happen as normally as getting married, or hitting menopause. This one’s husband did it with a colleague, this one did it with his secretary, this one with an ex-girlfriend, this one with his wife’s best friend of thirty years. And jeez – look at Jon Gosselin! He did it with the daughter of the plastic surgeon who did his wife’s tummy tuck!

A friend of mine is a divorce lawyer, and when I mentioned to her recently that I’m starting to notice a trend, she laughed and said that we’re getting to that age, when people start turning forty and/or their kids are going into second or third grade, because that’s typically when it happens. I swear, you could have wiped my jaw up off of the floor. I mean, really??? Is it that predictable? Sadly, it seems that it is.

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--
Risa Green, author of Tales from the Mommy Track on MommyTrackd.com, lives in Los Angeles. In the last four years, she has produced two children, called Harper and Davis, and two novels, called Notes from the Underbelly and Tales from the Crib. She is currently working on a third (novel not child).
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From the Community…

Comments 1-10 of 11
  • leann's Avatar
    Posted by leann Mon Aug 24, 2009 6:52pm PDT

    hi mommy track d. if that is your picture . i think you are beautiful and if it is not. it is who you are. and how you know how to keep your husband happy. i really dont know about forty and men start cheating. my dad never cheated on my mom. i htnk if men cheat. it is not really love. that they dont really love you. and if women cheat it is the same thing. be honest with your husband tell him how you feel. i thnk he can fine someone better. but you have to make sure that he would not want too. that ihe really loves you he dont even think of cheating on you.

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  • dimepiece's Avatar
    Posted by dimepiece Tue Aug 25, 2009 11:06am PDT

    you know i dont think that age has anything to do with it....i was actually just thinking about this last nigt b4 i went to bed...i am 22 and my man is 29.....we have two children together and we both have one child outside this relationship...

    the way i see it is like this...

    if an apple a day keeps the doctor away....then

    a bj a day gets ur man to stay!

    men are demanding creatures.....and if they dont get what they want...when they want it....from the person, they want it from....then they are going to find someone else who is going to give them what it is that they desire..

    i dont think that having children brings out any kind of monster in us....i think it is more along the lines of our gut instinct....if u thin there is something wrong...chances are...there is.

    i feel that men who cheat do it for these reasons...

    1.they have been with thier spouse for a long time and they no longer get excited by that person

    2.they get "BORED"....bad excuse men

    3.they dont care about anything but their own wants

    4.they dont really love you....or they love you but they are not in love with you type bullsh!t

    5.they are not happy with the life they have and want to explore the unknown

    6.they have no respect for you because of their desire to get into another womans pants

    7.last but not least......they want to have a lil something on the side and the woman they do it with knows they are married and they dont care

    which brings me to something else.......for all the women out there who sleep with married men.....SHAME ON YOU!!!

    i just read something a few months ago about this woman who was a married mans mistress.....she said that she did not care about the mans wife....she said she was with him because of the thrill of having something that did not belong to her...do women in this day and age have no respect for another womans man?....i mean....turn the tables for a min and ask urself how you would feel if it was you being played for a fool......you wouldnt like it.....so what is with all the disrespect from the women in the world? why is it that women feel they have the right to break up a home? why is it that women feel that they are doing nothing wrong by sleeping with a married man? so to all the women who do this.....yeah you know who you are......why would you do this to a family? why would you knowinly hurt a mans wife and possibly even their children?

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  • Annie's Avatar
    Posted by Annie Wed Aug 26, 2009 3:23am PDT

    I am wondering if your husband has given you some reason to think that he might stray? Not all men stray. And we all age, I think to get through the aging process we have to remember what we like about ourselves, and then we will be happier and more fun to be around. I was also very pretty when I was younger, but now I am heavier, my skin is really showing my age. I am not worried, if my husband leaves me he is the one missing out. You only live once, so have as much fun as you can and take all your family and friends along for the ride...

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  • SFgal's Avatar
    Posted by SFgal Wed Aug 26, 2009 10:54am PDT

    We have the reverse insecurity in our house. When my daughter was 17 months, I went back to full-time work for the first time in six years. I'd been a freelance writer and always worked from home--happy to be a hermit and enjoying the company of my husband when he came home, but the cost of raising a child forced me to go back to the working world. Something happened that neither my husband or I expected--I was out in the world again, getting dressed in something besides yoga pants with baby food stains on them, and I was working (really for the first time in my adult life) with lots and lots of men--interesting, intelligent men who do the same kind of work I do. I now have male colleagues who have become friends (they also have toddlers and we bond over it), and my husband, who is a bit older than me, is suddenly worried that I am enjoying my new life outside the house a bit too much. Yes, there are boundaries that have to be observed--flirtation among married people is a dangerous thing. It feels safe, but it's really not...so yes, I think no marriage (w/ or w/o kids) is immune from infidelity--couples just need to talk about it, as hard as it is.

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  • Accounting Nerd's Avatar
    Posted by Accounting Nerd Wed Aug 26, 2009 11:00am PDT

    I am in my 30's and I get what you are saying. I am confident and I trust my husband. Maybe I will change when I reach my fourties. One thing to remember, as you age, he ages too. He may feel doubtful of himself. One way to keep him on track is to nurture his ego. Men want that. If he starts doubting, he will go somewhere else to get his ego stroked. If you have a good relationship and you feel you meet his needs, I wouldn't worry. He may look at younger women, but he may not have the confidence to do anything about it. It all boils down to communicating, keeping the relationship fresh, and maintaining the bond. We have something the younger ones don't have..maturity, knowledge, and know what our husbands want.

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  • face's Avatar
    Posted by face Wed Aug 26, 2009 12:27pm PDT

    I tell you what, my husband and i have sex "maybe" 3x's a month and if he doesn't like that he sure in the heck (being nice) can go find someone else. I don't mean to sound cruel but the fact being he does nothing for me to want him more, i'm tired of trying to have a career, make a home, be a lady, be a landlord, be his mommy, be a MOTHER (which I love) be a cook, help take care of his horses, etc, should i go on. And then you expect me to find time to have sex when he doesn't come in the house until after 11:00pm and is up at 10 to 7:00 when our child is getting up. I am so over this (taking care of your man) honey if he doesn't take care of the cow, he ain't getting NO milk.

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  • stul's Avatar
    Posted by stul Wed Aug 26, 2009 4:50pm PDT

    flintstonthug, some people enjoy making other people suffer, or maybe they have been cheated on before and they want payback.

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  • Lurline's Avatar
    Posted by Lurline Wed Aug 26, 2009 7:40pm PDT

    i am a single mom with two kids, i am save.taken care of a17 year old child without his dad is quiet challenging and also a 22 year old son who is mentally challenged.its all about God my strong tower, my provider and my all in all.

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  • Kosta's Avatar
    Posted by Kosta Wed Aug 26, 2009 7:52pm PDT

    If that is really a picture of you....all i gotta say is....DAAMN! YOU SO FINE!

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  • slam's Avatar
    Posted by slam Thu Aug 27, 2009 10:07am PDT

    wow! flintstonethug is really 'enlightened' for 22 year old. gee, if your marriage is only based on sex and giving your man a bj every day, then you likely will be among the 1 in 2 marriages which end in divorce statistic. People cheat for all sorts of reasons that have nothing to do with sex. when people reach middle-age, they want to relive their glory days. they begin to doubt themselves as they see where they've been and wonder where they are going.

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