I've seen an
ad in the pregnancy magazines that shows a smiling female executive
behind a desk talking hands-free on the phone. Her breasts are
hooked up to a high-tech pumping device.
Will that be me in a few
months?
Probably not. I work in the
middle of a crowded newsroom.
In Pictures: Prepare To Be A Working
Mom
And let's face it, buying the right brand of breast pump will
not allay all the anxieties I have about becoming a working mother.
I don't know what to expect when our first child arrives any
day now, or when I eventually go back to the job I love. My worries
range from the practical--who will watch our baby, and how will I
work through the sleep deprivation--to the silly--what will it be
like asking my husband for money when my measly eight weeks of
disability pay runs out? (For the record, he says I'm being
ridiculous. His money is family money, earned to take care of all
of us. But I know I'll find it strange not to earn a paycheck
even for just a month or two after having been financially
independent for more than a decade.)
Here's the thing
that's really hard to imagine: I've worked as a reporter
professionally for 11 years and before that for four years in
college and three years in high school. Being a reporter is my
identity. I endured seven long years as a single person in her 20s
in Hartford, Conn., just to get to this point professionally.
Working as a reporter in Manhattan was my dream.
Now I have a new dream:
Evolving into a woman who raises a happy, healthy confident child
while managing her professional life and making sure her husband
doesn't revert to living on fast food.
My mom isn't thrilled
with my wanting to go back to work. She didn't go back to work
herself, as a teacher, until all three of us were in elementary
school. It seems selfish to her. She says she loved every minute of
being a stay-at-home-parent. She had us young and was able to climb
the professional ladder quite successfully
later.
"Try not to feel guilty," Andrea
Serrette told me. She co-authored The Milk Memos, an
advice book for new mothers
about the ups and downs she and her colleague Cate Colburn-Smith
had when they each returned from maternity leave to their jobs at
IBM in Colorado. "Everyone's got an
opinion for you."
Not feeling guilty was one of the first
pieces of advice I received from all the many experienced
working moms I've turned to
for guidance. But it might be easier said than
done.
Claudia Trupp, a criminal defense attorney with three
daughters, put it in a way I can implement in my life: "You
can find an infinite number of things to worry about," she
told me. "Take things one step at a time. Smart people and
good leaders learn to handle things one at a time. If you look at
the list of all you could be worried about, you'll be
paralyzed."Trupp is the author of Hard Time & Nursery
Rhymes: A Mother's Tales of Law and Disorder.
As for Serrette, she
had experience as a working mother helping to raise her
husband's two kids from a previous marriage. But nothing
prepared her for what it would be like when she went back to
IBM's communications department 12 weeks after her son's
birth.
"I thought it
wouldn't be any problem to go back once I had a baby," she
told me. "The reality was completely different. I missed my
baby so much. When you're on maternity leave, you're with
the baby all the time. Then you go back to work, and you're
without the baby for long stretches. It seems like your maternity
leave ends right when you're hitting your stride."
Despite the difficulty, she
urges moms not to make any rash decisions in the first few weeks
back on the job--like quitting. Take a few months to get used to
the new arrangement.
She found comfort when she
saw that Colburn-Smith had started a journal in IBM's lactation
room. Its first entry said, "I'm a new mom, and today is
my first day back at work. Is anyone else using this room?"
Which leads to Serrette's biggest piece of advice: Connect with
other working mothers, whether it's at your company, through
friends or in Internet chat rooms. Sharing experiences and hearing
other people's stories was what got her through the first
difficult year, she says.
No matter how much you prepare, there will be
unexpected moments. "I was in a meeting with my manager, and
she looked at me and said, 'You're leaking,'"
Serrette recalls. "It was very embarrassing."
She also recommends that
you make arrangements for child-care help even before the baby is
born. That will give you one less thing to worry about when
you're already nervous about returning to work. If you're
considering setting up a nanny camera to spy on the babysitter
while you're out, don't hire her. Your instincts are
telling you she won't be a good fit.
Despite the anxiety, keep
in mind that there are good things about going back to work, too.
Lisa Martin, a Canadian career coach who works with returning
mothers and wrote Briefcase Moms, had mixed feelings when
she returned to her public relations job after six months:
"All of a sudden you're not with him for seven or eight
hours. I remember feeling something was missing. On the positive
side, you can sit and focus on something without being interrupted.
Creatively I was much more satisfied."
One of her biggest
challenges was sleep deprivation. Her son never slept through the
night until he was 18 months old. Her best advice on that is to
sleep when you can and work when you can. She discovered early on
that she could work at a computer while nursing her son. "You
integrate having the child with you," she says.
To get through any tough
moments after going back to the office, remind yourself of why you
work. Sure, there's the money. But for many people it's
also about intellectual stimulation, self-expression and
socializing with people you have things in common with. "Keep
that in mind as you go through your day," Martin
says.
Deborah Epstein Henry was in her second year
of a two-year clerkship with a federal judge in New York when she
became pregnant with her first son. She was particularly nervous
about telling the judge because those coveted clerkships are filled
up years in advance. She had made a serious commitment to serve her
time and couldn't make up for it later; also things weren't
set up for a replacement to come in on short notice.
Her absence might severely
inconvenience the judge's one other clerk. Or they might do
just fine without her. "There was real tension," she
says. She handled it by meticulously getting everything in order
before going on maternity leave so the other clerk wouldn't be
left with additional work. She recommends that every soon-to-be mom
do the same thing. Your co-workers will appreciate the help and be
much more likely to welcome you back with open arms. Also,
you'll get fewer frantic phone calls from them.
Henry is the founder of
Flex-Time Lawyers, a national consulting firm that advises people
in legal professions on work-life balance and the retention and
promotion of women attorneys. During her second pregnancy she was
in the middle of a job search. She decided to work part time. If
you do the same, she says, present the idea to your boss in
business terms. Instead of saying you need to work part-time
because of your child, explain how you'll do it to your
employer's financial advantage.
She stresses above all that
whatever kind of schedule you adopt, you must make time for
yourself. "Give yourself time to do what you need to regroup
and rejuvenate, independent of work and family," she says. She
now has three sons, ages 13, 11 and 8. "Let your spouse do
things that empower him and free you up. Let go of the fact that he
might not do everything the way you would. Don't be a
martyr."
As helpful as I found the
advice I got from these women, I also noticed that they all
conceded that a woman having her first baby is inescapably entering
uncharted territory. "It isn't something you can know
before you experience it," Serrette told me. "Your
priorities change. I enjoy having work as part of my life. You just
have to strike the balance of what's right for you. And through
it all you learn in a new way how much you can love
someone."
I can't wait to find
out.
In Pictures: Prepare To Be A Working
Mom
More From Forbes.com:
How To Explain Your Layoff To Your
Kids
How Stay-At-Home Moms Can Get Back To
Work
The 20 Countries Where Moms Work
Most
Here Comes My Baby
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