Parenting

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Mom of Tweens: Skilled parenting or just plain luck?

Jen Singer

Jen Singer

Nobody was happier than Benny. He was lying on my cousin Susan's couch, belly up, purring as my kids doted over him, stroking his long black fur. Benny might have been one happy cat, but Susan was one impressed mom. After we left her house that night, she wrote me an e-mail which read: "The boys were really great. You and Pete are either very lucky or very skilled."

The mother of one six-month-old baby, Susan has yet to learn that it's a bit of both.

At first, I chalked up our successful dinner at my cousin's house to age. My boys aren't the toddlers they once were, back when my husband, Pete, and I would take turns shoveling our food down our throats while the other one chased the boys up and down the wheelchair ramp outside the restaurant.

Now that they're tweens, they actually remain seated during meals and participate in the conversation. Admittedly, that conversation sometimes involves one kid shouting, "Quit it!" and the other one replying, " You quit it!"

But they behave more often than not, and that, I thought, was more luck than skill - until I witnessed the very public, very disconcerting dressing down of a mother by her 11-year-old daughter.

At a recent backyard gathering, this tween wanted her swimsuit and she wanted it RIGHT NOW. Not after her mother was done eating. Not after Mom completed her conversation with other adults. NOW.

"Can't I finish eating?" the mother asked meekly, as though she was a housekeeper and her daughter was super model Naomi Campbell with cell phone poised over her head, ready to throw.

"No!" the child yelled. "I want to go swimming now ."

Everyone at the table watched, holding their breath, while the mother ate faster. Then her little cherub moved to the other side of the table and observed her for a second or two.

"Do you have to eat the sauce, too?" she bellowed.

Did her mother take her aside and chastise her? Did she tell her she can't go swimming? Did she take away the hot pink cell phone she'd been texting on? No. She got up and retrieved her daughter's swimsuit from the car, and then she sat back down at the table, where another mother started talking about how obnoxious kids get when they get older.

"You'll see," a mother of a teenage boy warned me. She told me how her college age son had charged plane tickets to her credit card and disappeared for two weeks. "The only way I knew he was alive was from the bank withdrawals and credit card charges."

"I'll bet if you cut off the cash, you'd find him at your door very quickly," I offered. But she shrugged while the 11-year-old did cannonballs off the diving board.

Maybe I'm lucky that my boys don't behave like this. Or maybe, I'm more skilled at parenting than I give myself credit for. Either way, I'm as happy as Benny. Well, pretty close.



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From the Community…

Comments 1-10 of 44
  • pclady's Avatar
    Posted by pclady Wed Jul 16, 2008 6:44am PDT

    If my daughters ever behaved like that, I'd cut them off without hesitation. The problem today is that parents are too SOFT on their children. I was abused growing up, so I most certainly DO NOT suggest that. Just learn how to say NO; say it often. Don't cave in when the tears start, just because someone didn't get their way. The woman in this article who caved in and let her brats get their way, isn't a very good mother at all.

    Being a parent isn't an exact science, and children do not come with manuals. Learn how to say NO to them; say it often, and don't argue with children. I tell my 8-year-old daughter that I REFUSE to argue about my saying NO to something. I remind her that I'm the parent, and that yes, I will restrict her from TV, friends coming over, and desserts for a long period of time if she argues back or smart-mouths me. I DEMAND respect, and my children know it. I carry through what I say I'm going to do, so my children know I mean business. I'm not perfect, but have two wonderful daughters who are welcome into other people's homes, and have been told that they are polite and respectful. I have had no displine problems whatsoever in school, and am quite proud of them.

    Parents need to pony-up to their responsibilities, not only discliplining their children, but teaching them responsibility and respect.

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  • denise_reed57's Avatar
    Posted by denise_reed57 Wed Jul 16, 2008 12:45pm PDT

    It takes tough love to raise children these days

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  • MistressMinx _'s Avatar
    Posted by MistressMinx _ Wed Jul 16, 2008 1:28pm PDT

    I'd have gotten up. But, I'd have gotten up, ushered her to the car and driven her home immediately. Kids don't automatically act like this. They do it because they can get away with it. It would have taken one look from me to get my daughter to back down. I started that when she was just a toddler. We'd just leave. She soon realized that her obnoxious behavior meant leaving the fun places. It didn't take long.

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  • April H's Avatar
    Posted by April H Wed Jul 16, 2008 1:35pm PDT

    I work at a preschool, and I can see the varying parent styles, and it can be astonishing. They will come to pick up their kids and if the child doesn't want to leave, they say "OK, whenever you are ready!" Of if they throw a tantrum, they just stand there looking helpless. I remember dragging my kids kicking and screaming because they are on MY SCHEDULE, not theirs! Now they know, "we are leaving" means they better hustle or they will be embarrassed. They are 8 and 10, so I guess that makes them tweens too, but training good tweens means starting when they are toddlers.

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  • Amanda's Avatar
    Posted by Amanda Wed Jul 16, 2008 1:40pm PDT

    I agree, although my children are still young I have already begun the "what I say goes...and thats the end of it" I dont understand parents these days, I would never dream of talking to my mother or father that way; I would have got one right across the face and I knew it so I didnt dare. There is no dicipline today, everyone is so worried about their children hating them or calling the Police, I say call them, Ill be out of jail tomarrow and you will have to deal with me once again! Dont take it that I believe in beating your child, because I dont, but I do believe that spanking is sometimes necessary, and that is why we have such a horrible generation of children because everyone is so sacared to dicipline.

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  • arielrenee@rocketmail.com's Avatar
    Posted by arielrenee@rocketmail.com Wed Jul 16, 2008 4:43pm PDT

    that daughter is a real brat and that mom was ridiculous!

    have you ever heard of tough love? punishment? dicipline? ANYTHING?

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  • HotCrossBuns's Avatar
    Posted by HotCrossBuns Wed Jul 16, 2008 5:42pm PDT

    Yeah, what Amanda c said!

    I can't even IMAGINE speaking to my mother that way, not even today, and I'm 33!!! Lord knows if I had tried it 22 years ago I'd not be sitting here typing today because my arms would have been ripped off my body and used to slap my teeth right off my face! (And no, I wasn't abused, I was disciplined!)

    If that had been my daughter, she not only wouldn't be getting the swimsuit, but she wouldn't be partaking in any more party festivities, either. She'd have been sitting her saucy behind in the car (windows down of course), alone, with no cell phone (...WHY DOES AN 11 YEAR OLD EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE!? )until I decided it was time to leave.

    Is it any wonder teenage crime is so out of control these days with this new "whatever the kid wants" attitude of parenting? All it teaches the kids is a false sense of entitlement!

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  • HotCrossBuns's Avatar
    Posted by HotCrossBuns Wed Jul 16, 2008 5:43pm PDT

    PS...I love your response to the Bank o'Mom. I can alomst see the clueless shrug she gave you.

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  • Beth's Avatar
    Posted by Beth Wed Jul 16, 2008 5:48pm PDT

    My God, it's like people don't even try! My mom didn't have to be uber-strict or anything, but we all turned out pretty well, if I do say so myself. Granted her youngest is now 21, and maybe we're in a different time what with all the images of kids getting whatever they want on all the kid and tween shows out there now, but the parents should have the power. All it takes is establishing early that you are the one in charge. But, also give your kids respect and they're less likely to resent you. My mother and I fought when I was a teenager, but I NEVER would have even thought of stealing money from her or taking off for weeks at a time. I had more respect for her than that.

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  • Susan R's Avatar
    Posted by Susan R Thu Jul 17, 2008 4:31am PDT

    I agree with the posters. I would have not hesitation reigning in a child that was yelling at me to hurry up. They would experience the wrath of mom.

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