When it comes to parenting, never say never. Things we do now that we swore we never would.
Julie Ryan Evans, BettyConfidential.com
When my son was still an infant, I got into my friend “Jane’s” brand new, fancy SUV. It was a lovely vehicle, only once inside it was the dirtiest one I’d ever seen.
There were pretzels wedged into the seats, cracker crumbs here, milk spilt on the leather there. The floor was a combination of crumbs and toys and who knows what else. I was shocked and a bit horrified because this was one of my most clean-freak, Type-A, organized friends ever … well at least before she had two kids.
It was at that point I vowed to NEVER let a child of mine eat in one of our cars EVER.
Well, fast forward about five years, and now my son and I eat together in the car – me, munching my own words and him, on a snack … with the crumbs to prove it.
When Cheryl Back of Eden Prairie, Minn., and her husband bought their house they were the only couple in the neighborhood without children. On summer weekends, they would head out with friends to play ball, go boating or embark on some other adventure, while their neighbors were stuck at home hanging out in someone’s yard.
“The toddlers would be cavorting in the kiddie pool while the adults had their lawn chairs pulled close so they could sit with their feet in the water while they sipped cool drinks and chatted,” Back remembers. “As we drove away one day, I commented to our friends to just put me out of my misery if I ever get to that point. Fast forward a few years later. We’re with the same friends, watching our toddlers play in the kiddie pool. As I pulled my chair up to the pool and sat down, my friend caught my eye, pointedly looked at my feet, and gave me a wicked grin. It was just the start of the many times I have eaten my pre-kid words.”
Food is a common issue that causes parents to backtrack and lose track all together.
Catherine Calame of Holbrook, N.Y., swore she’d never become a short-order cook catering to fussy eaters. But …
“It appeals to your inner-mommy to have your child eat a good meal, and once you have more than one child, the palettes vary and there’s little you can do to appease everyone at every meal,” Calame reasons. “I swore I’d never do it, but I do. I don’t want to torture my kids at the table to eat food that they genuinely don’t like.”
Julie Eckleson lists a slew of things she’s done that she said she never would: Never buy them nor let them eat a Lunchables or Wonder bread; Let them bathe and eat dinner at the same time; let them eat dinner in front of the TV. “I tell people that having children has been the most humbling experience and has done wonders for my ‘self righteous nature’ for sure!”
Television is tops when tossing out the best laid parenting plans.
Beth Avery of Washington, D.C., says when her daughter was young she swore up and down that she’d never use the TV as a babysitter. “It would only be for times when I could sit down with her and participate and interact with her and her TV experience,” she recalls. “It was a nice dream, but like any other mother out there, I realized that sometimes it was impossible to get anything done around the house without something to entertain her. I did, however, stick to my stance of no SpongeBob!”
When it comes to discipline, of course, we all swore our children would be perfect angels, appalled by the misbehaved, temper-tantrum-throwing children of the world. And we had plenty of ideas about how we nurture and develop these well-behaved beings. Ha!
“As a kid I swore I would never yell at my kids or give them the evil mom look,” recalls Rhanna Kennedy of Fort Lauderdale, Fla. “Unfortunately and despite all my efforts, I find myself yelling at the kids to pick up their toys, stop fighting, I have even uttered the dreadful ‘Because I said so’. When they’re really bad, I have given them the stares of all stares: the mom look, which doesn’t seem to work on my kids and only makes them laugh.”
For Heather McPherson of Van Nuys, Calif., it was guns that she thought she’d never cave on. “I swore my boys would never have toy guns,” she says. “They are bad, wrong and disturbing. They send the wrong message about violence, and I would be condoning their naturally aggressive feelings. Yesterday, I bought my youngest son a cap gun. It’s not the first time he’s had a toy gun either.”
Why the change of heart? “I realize that I’m not condoning his natural feelings – I acknowledging them,” McPherson explains. "Boys will make toy guns from toast.”
Brand new parents who just spent nine months planning on how they would raise this little being are hit especially hard by the realities of parenting vs. what they had planned.
“There are so many things I said I would never do,” says Holly Whitmore, mother of a 7-month-old daughter. “I said I would never let the baby change the relationship between me and my husband. Ha! Sleep is now taking priority over you-know-what. I also said I would never pick something up that my daughter dropped on the ground and let her put it back in her mouth. (But now) if it keeps her from crying, I wipe it off and give it right back to her!”
Co-sleeping was something Kristen Chumley said she’d never do. “I swore he would sleep in his crib from day one. Well, we brought him home and he screamed bloody murder in his crib and in his Pack N Play. So, after several hours of relentless screaming, we conceded and pulled him into bed with us. This trend continued for seven months before we moved him to his crib. Every once in a while, we still allow him to sleep in bed with us and he's now 13 months old.”
Parenting coach Rebecca Michi says parents should give themselves a break and embrace flexibility. “It's OK to change your mind; it's good to be flexible,” Michi says. ”Parents need to do what is right for their family and that doesn't always mean sticking with choices you made before being in that situation.”
And that’s advice we should never forget.
So tell us, what did you say you’d never do, but do?
Read Julie's last blog: I'm Failing Kindergarten
