Momversation: Are "mommy wars" a myth?

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  Posted by HotCrossBuns Fri Feb 20, 2009 6:27pm PST

  Jett: I was referring more to the modern playgroup 'attitude'. Meaning the attitude brought to today's playgroups is what is modern, not the existence of playgroups themselves. Perhaps it's a regional thing, but where I live if you are a SAHM, then you are expected to join some sort of playgroup or another if you want a social life for you or your child. People will actually ask you if you have your child in any playgroups! And lo and behold if you don't...you must be a freak. (I decided I'm freakish enough by my own right so I was never big on the playgroup thing after one bad experience! hehe) I have friends who live rather far away from me and they have smaller children than my own. They too have felt the need to join playgroups under threat of being ostracized by their mommy peers if they don't. And god forbid they miss a date...they become the fodder for gossip that week!

  As I posted before in another string, I was actually asked to "leave" a playgroup because my bottlefeeding was a bad influence to new mothers and their babies (apparently bottles were looked upon as pediatric crack and my kid was a "junkie"). As was the case in my experience, the line of acceptance was drawn before I even stepped through the door with my child. I could have been feeding my child milk pumped right from the Blessed Virgin herself, but the judgement was already in place and there was no winning those mommy-soldiers over. That was my first and last experience with playgroups! I could make a whole new playgroup and fill it up with moms and kids who didn't make the cut in other playgroups.

  Luckily my kids are older now and have developed proper social skills regardless of the playgroup deprivation I have bestowed upon them. teehehe

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  Posted by Christa Sat Feb 21, 2009 7:24am PST

  Wow, that is unbelievable HCB. You know, I'm all for breastfeeding, I did it for 3 of my 4 kids and just recently my 18 month old weaned himself. I have never been in a playgroup, nor do I know if they exists in my area (central Texas). However I do belong to a Homeschooling group we joined for my 2 older kids, and the mommy wars DO NOT exist in it! 2 other babies were born around the time my little one was, one momma bf, one ff. No one said a word or cared. I had a home birth, the other momma did a natural hospital birth, and the 3rd did a c-section. We all sat around and shared our stories without fear. All of us are so different. We range from all organic, all the way to junk food! Yet we all enjoy each other and the differences we bring.

  I guess I am very lucky to have the RLF that I have, because if people are how they are on he internet IRL, I don't want to know them!

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  Posted by HotCrossBuns Sun Feb 22, 2009 5:13pm PST

  DJ: I always thought that was how it was supposed to be. Living around here (western NC) has been a blessing and a curse. Southern Hospitality meets Northern Aggression with all the banks (and race teams) moving their northern employees to their southern headquarters. Sheeweee: it's like high school sometimes trying to keep up with she said this, can you believe what she did, I can't believe she's going to ... There have even been fistfights break out at PTO meetings at our schools! I just can't hang with that. I'm too delicate. (rofl....right!)

  Meanwhile I couldn't give a rat's arse about any of it. I ostracised myself early on by having my "whatever" attitude and luckily didn't have to deal with it for long. I'd rather be a loner than a rebel! (teehehee) My small group of mommy friends coudn't care less if one feeds burgers and fries to her kids or the other one feeds organic cardboard to hers. The fact is we get together to have girl-time, and the last thing we want to discuss is our kids! teeehehee

  I will most likely be a homeschool mom next year and I hope to meet some local "outside the box" moms like myself in the process.

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  Posted by Christa Mon Feb 23, 2009 6:43am PST

  Yes, that's how all moms groups should be. It's to hard being a mom without also being judged for every move you make. All us moms get together with the kids for fun, and then for mom's night out for even more fun ;-).

  Congrats on Homeschooling! The hardest part for me WAS finding the group I found. I am not religious at all, and I swear every group down here is a religious group with statements of faith to sign and all kinds of crap lol!

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  Posted by HotCrossBuns Mon Feb 23, 2009 7:04am PST

  Yeah, we lost our religion a long time ago! ...and here in the Bible belt that's a big no-no, too. I just want to give my kids the education they deserve, and the upper schools here get a big F on that. I actually just fought my own Mommy War with Kid1's school administration and 4th grade teacher. Long story short: I became Mom-Unhinged and made up my mind that I can no longer send any of my children into a place that goes against the very core of my life's philosophy. I'm trying to raise responsible, intelligent individuals here, NOT SHEEPLE!! ARGH!!

  Anyway...I'm hoping the battles aren't being fought in the homeschool groups. After spending all of my days home with my 3 kids, I'm going to need some level-headed moms to go out and drink with occasionally!! teeehehehee

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  Posted by Jett Mon Feb 23, 2009 10:40am PST

  Hotcrossbuns: Wow, that's pretty twisted. I don't think my mom suffered the sort of behavior you mentioned, thankfully. She joined a group of people who were already friends with her, though. They would get together I guess at least once a week, and if a mom or two had to go do other things, the rest of the moms were like built-in babysitters. They also got together as a group with us children to go to the zoo or the park or whatever.

  Which state do you live in? I have to write an article for my newspaper in Virginia for a special section we're doing about moms. I have no clue what to write about, and I thought playgroups sounded like a neat idea considering the state of the economy. It could be like economy-friendly day care, and moms could trade off and get together each weekday, and those who have to work could go work, and the others could hang out with the children and each other. I know I'm fantasizing a sort of mommytopia in that, but it's just for the article. The problem is, I don't know of any playgroups around here. If I could even just find a group of friends who get together with their children — not even as a daycare replacement — that would probably be enough, but again, nothing yet.

  Any ideas for other stories for the mom section? What would you be interested in reading about in a special section about moms?

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  Posted by Jett Mon Feb 23, 2009 10:42am PST

  You know what, I just went to your blog, Hotcrossbuns, and saw you're in N.C. How did you find out about the playgroups? My mom found out from a Welcome Wagon in the town she and my dad moved to before I was born, but we don't have anything like that around where I live now.

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  Posted by Christa Mon Feb 23, 2009 11:32am PST

  Ahh, yes, fighting the school system. I was "that mom" at my daughters school, and she only went there through Kindergarten. I was labeled the minuet I walked in the door. Younger then most the moms, dressed younger, and had 2 inch long bleached blond hair. I walked in the door to register my daughter for the very first time, and lady looked up to me and said with so much disgust "you must be from California". Ya, we are going to love it here!

  Anyway, I do hope you can find a like minded group of open moms to be friends with. I'll tell you as a home schooling mom, the most important thing you can have is a support system. In my hunt for the perfect group I came across plenty of homeschooling sheeple as well, they are everywhere! If you need any info or anything, send me a message (I think you can do that through yahoo)

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  Posted by HotCrossBuns Mon Feb 23, 2009 2:44pm PST

  Jett: Around here playgroups are found mostly through churches (believe it or not, THAT is where I was asked to leave a group!) or moms with their children in the same preschool(gotta have those kids learning by 1 year!). Many times it's groups of moms living in the same development (again, I live out in the country for a reason!). There are also online parenting forums where parents can go for advice from other moms, and you can search for moms by region. Some of the sites are nationwide, some are regional...but almost all of them I've seen have information about meeting other moms of the same interest. Sort of like a mommy-personals forum. hehehe

  I tried doing what you mentioned with the "time share" amongst a couple of my mom friends, and it went well for a while. However, in time we ended up suffering conflicting schedules, relocations, change in employment status, etc. Things just sort of fell apart. We're still friends, mind you, because as the adults we are, we understand "sh** happens!" We just knew that thigns weren't working anymore...and no hard feelings resulted.

  If I were going to read an article about mom stuff in a newspaper it would have to be something that the parenting magazines and websites aren't already beating the life out of(which you probably already know.) B I haven't read a parenting magazine in quite a few years because they all just seem to recycle the same information over and over and over.

  I enjoy reading about celebrity parents who keep it real (think Reese Witherspoon, not Sr Angie Jolie). I like to read about anything that I can relate to my own life (tight budgets, finding time to do it all, finding ways to not have to do it all, etc). I can't think of anything else off the top of my head right now, but if you want to email me with any questions feel free to do so. hotcrossbunz96@yahoo.com --->DJ, feel free to drop me a line! I can't find anyplace to send you a message.

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  Posted by Jett Tue Feb 24, 2009 11:37am PST

  Thanks so much! I know what you mean about magazines recycling the same thing. I subscribed to Fitness for awhile, but it seems every month is the same — yet another complicated fitness program to help me lose 10 lbs in 6 weeks by combining three moves into one (such as standing on one foot and squatting with that leg, while doing kick boxing with the other leg and lifting weights with both arms. Thus, I end up on my head and give up after one workout.) :)

  I emailed some friends yesterday to ask them the same question, and one responded saying she knows the head of the local mom's club, so I might be able to do this article after all!

  I have a blog on here, too, if you want to drop me a line. My Writer's Corner post is for just talking about whatever. My email is jettqk@aol.com.

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