Parenting

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

One and Done?

by Stefanie Wilder-Taylor (Make Mine A Double)

Sometimes (all the time) when I look at my life I can’t believe I have three kids. When I run from room to room prying dried Play-Doh from the coffee table, removing colored chalk from little mouths and cleaning poop off of the carpet (you read that right and those so-called miracle carpet cleaners? Not so much) it seems unfathomable that I did this on purpose - well, not exactly on purpose, the twins thing falls under the umbrella of me planning and God laughing (note to God: not that funny). More than two years ago I had it so good with one mild mannered, yet plenty energetic toddler daughter and was quite content with the status quo, so why, did I suddenly see the need to rock the boat? Why does anybody?

Immediately after having Elby, I truly thought I firmly fell into the “one and done” camp. Even though plenty of my new mommy buddies were of the “two and through” variety, I had not been totally convinced to even have one let alone more and I thought that one baby was challenging enough. As time wore on though I became less certain of my stance and not a little jealous of the women who seemed so clear about the number of children they wanted.

When Elby was about eighteen-months old, I started unofficially polling women on how they knew they wanted another baby. A few of these women already had two kids, some were newly knocked up and one, my friend Lara, was ready to pop. I met Lara when our babies were seven-months and she was always pretty decisive. We shopped daycares together back in the day and while I would have stayed for the entire tour at each and every place, one withering glance from Lara told me all I needed to know and saved me quite a bit of time. She was the perfect person to quiz on the whole “how did you know you wanted another” thing.

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Raising preemie twin girls plus a sassy preschooler while trying to make a book deadline isn't for wussies. In her  Mommy Track'd column, Make Mine a Double, Stefanie Wilder-Taylor takes imperfect parenting to an art form. Each week she breaks the pristine laws of the mommy manuals as she reveals how she attempts to parent her three children through instinct, intelligence, and a lot of trial and error.  She is the author of Sippy Cups Are Not for Chardonnay, Naptime Is the New Happy Hour, and It's Not Me, It's You: Subjective Recollections from a Terminally Optimistic, Chronically Sarcastic and Occasionally Inebriated Woman. She’s appeared numerous times on The Today Show, is a member of the Us Weekly Fashion Police and writes on her blog, Baby On Bored.

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From the Community…

Comments 1-10 of 85
  • miss my family's Avatar
    Posted by miss my family Tue Sep 15, 2009 3:22pm PDT

    Yeah because children are so horrible we should only have one. Whatever. God bless the duggars, proof that there is a family out there that doesn't see kids as a punishment. My parents had five girls and would have had more but mom had a bunch of medical problems (related to her childhood not the fact she had 5 kids) that also made them unable to adopt. They said they would have been happy to have many more. (Not just my mom but my dad as well.) I hope I can have 19 that would be awesome! :)

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  • GirlyGirl©'s Avatar
    Posted by GirlyGirl© Wed Sep 16, 2009 6:57am PDT

    After six I'm done. When I had my last one, they discovered that the bottom of my uterus was in shreds. No more for me!

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  • Michelle's Avatar
    Posted by Michelle Wed Sep 16, 2009 7:31am PDT

    Note to Hannah: Just because some mothers are the "one and done" variety (i.e. myself) doesn't mean we see children as punishment. My son is a blessing and a joy. I'm quite sure God did not send my son as a punishment for any of my multitude of sins... Rather as a gift for which I am heartily grateful.

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  • impatientmom's Avatar
    Posted by impatientmom Wed Sep 16, 2009 7:38am PDT

    For me, health is my reason for having just one. After pregnancy complications that led to a c- section at 29 weeks, we had a son weighing just A POUND AND A HALF! Now 13 years old, Richie has numerous medical and developmental issues. Having more kids is fine, if you're healthy enough to have them.

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  • pretty much amazing's Avatar
    Posted by pretty much amazing Wed Sep 16, 2009 7:41am PDT

    Hannah: "God Bless the duggars?" Have you ever heard of overpopulation? Just what I want, the U.S. to have to regulate the amount of kids we have like in China b/c people think it's ok to have 20. And no, there is no way those kids get the attention they deserve.

    I think you did the right thing by trying for another. Siblings are great life-long friends who can compare to nothing else.

    I haven't had kids yet, but I am of the 2 variety, too. Two people make two kids. I don't think anything is wrong with more (to a certain extent,) I just want to be able to be at every soccer game my kids have. Not just make half of one and then miss Suzanne's and be late for Jack's and so on. That's unfair to the kids.

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  • JeanneMommy's Avatar
    Posted by JeanneMommy Wed Sep 16, 2009 8:08am PDT

    I love how being honest makes a person selfish. Hannah is like most immature mothers I meet. The "all we need is love" attitude. We all need to be honest with ourselves and take responsibility for our lives. There is no crime in being honest with yourself and knowing you are happy with the one child you currently have. (like I did) We all know each child is additional work that everyone isn’t cut out for, denying that fact makes you a liar.

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  • Caramel Cake's Avatar
    Posted by Caramel Cake Wed Sep 16, 2009 9:31am PDT

    I must live in the six and that's it world; because that's how many I have! I have never seen my children as punishment but I did get my tubes tied after this last one, because I was just tired of being pregnant. In my religion, it encourages woman to have children and not to get a tubal. I had went through so much with this last one I just had to do something. In the Bible it states that a man and woman are to only have sex for creating a new life, that's what I meant about my religion. I agree with that and all, but I just was tired of being pregnant. WIth this last one, I went to the hospital three times to have a c-section, they sent me back home twice because I had an abcess on my cut line. I thought I was going to have to cut him out myself! Finally after two times of being paralyzed from the waist down and having to sit until it wears off so I could walk again, drinking some kind of juice that gets all the acid out of your stomach, but it really makes you anxious, I just said I was through. I have had thoughts of having my tubes untied and having another in another 5 years, but I am 31, I would definnitley have to ask my doctor about that one!

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  • Caramel Cake's Avatar
    Posted by Caramel Cake Wed Sep 16, 2009 9:31am PDT

    I must live in the six and that's it world; because that's how many I have! I have never seen my children as punishment but I did get my tubes tied after this last one, because I was just tired of being pregnant. In my religion, it encourages woman to have children and not to get a tubal. I had went through so much with this last one I just had to do something. In the Bible it states that a man and woman are to only have sex for creating a new life, that's what I meant about my religion. I agree with that and all, but I just was tired of being pregnant. WIth this last one, I went to the hospital three times to have a c-section, they sent me back home twice because I had an abcess on my cut line. I thought I was going to have to cut him out myself! Finally after two times of being paralyzed from the waist down and having to sit until it wears off so I could walk again, drinking some kind of juice that gets all the acid out of your stomach, but it really makes you anxious, I just said I was through. I have had thoughts of having my tubes untied and having another in another 5 years, but I am 31, I would definnitley have to ask my doctor about that one!

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  • christine's Avatar
    Posted by christine Wed Sep 16, 2009 9:36am PDT

    yea I used to thinbk I should have been a one and done. However, I thought it unfair to rob kaitie of the joy of a sibling someone to grow up with blame and heck take the blame for. Like Stefanie Wilder-Taylor the second time around for me ended with my 2nd,3rd and 4th child. When my sweet little toddler was only 23months old i had triplets. 2 boys 1 girl. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I would not trade it for anything on this planet. I too thank God has a Funny side and I agree NOT THAT FUNNY.

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  • Stacey's Avatar
    Posted by Stacey Wed Sep 16, 2009 10:07am PDT

    Guess what? Everyone is allowed to choose if/when they have kids, and how many of them, based on their own preferences and resources. If someone chooses to have 19, or 1 or none, it's up to them, whether you agree or not. Unless you know a family and their circumstances, you don't know what's behind their choices. I'd rather have one child I felt confident in being able to provide for (emotionally, financially, time-wise...) than feeling over-stretched with 2 or 3 or 19. We choose one and done, no matter how unpopular that may be. We love our sweet only!

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