One More Hip Parenting Term I Can Live Without: Free-Range Kids

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  Posted by NeighborGirl Tue Apr 22, 2008 4:17pm PDT

  I grew up "free range" mainly because the adults around me were too busy doing drugs to pay attention. I was the only girl growing up with a bunch of my older cousin and his friends. Mind you we weren't perfect and we did some stupid things but what normal child doesn't. We never did anything major. I was always the youngest and like I said the only girl. I have riden public transportation by myself since I was 11 years old. I am now 21 years old and I don't drive. I can get myself anywhere without having to rely on anyone to drive me there.

  Now that my family members have stopped using drugs they suddenly have gotten all protective and my aunt mainly doesn't let my 2 younger cousins ride public transportation. One is 19 and the other is 14. She then gets mad when they have places they want to go and she has to take them.

  Personally I believe there is a certain middle round between completely letting your kids roam free and having the umbilical cord still attached. I'm around kids a lot and have noticed that the kids whose parents have had tight reign on them cannot do anything for themselves including making dr. appointments at 18 years old. No the worlds not always the safest thing but if you don't let kids experience some of the bad they won't know how to deal with the real world when they are older.

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  Posted by E Tue Apr 22, 2008 4:43pm PDT

  There's a big difference between raising confident, independent kids with a little common sense and street smarts and relinquishing the chains of parental responsibility. My kids learn to do many things but not at the expense of their safety. As a parent and as a family therapist I am really struck by the growing trend of parents who want to have "free range kids" or more accurately "free range parents" who want to live like adults without kids and claim that its for the benefit of their kids. Parenting is really about being the "helicopter" parent inside all the time and learning to balance that with an appropriate amount of freedom and independence for your children. I think we often forget that our parents didn't raise us alone- we were left to play outside till dark because every other parent on th block was looking out there window and checking up on all of us. Kids can only learn to be independent if they have the security of knowing that there are parents waiting to catch them if they really screw it up. I am all for raising independent children and allowing them grow up but let's not stop parenting all in the name of giving our kids space.

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  Posted by JessicaC Tue Apr 22, 2008 6:37pm PDT

  Well said, KB. My parents weren't around enough to really do much of any kind of parenting, but being the oldest by 10 years (me vs. youngest), I was. I think a lot of this depends on the kids. I know that I was taking public transportation (Omaha, NE) with my 6mos. sister in tow when I was 9, but seeing her at 10 now, I wouldn't put her on a bus alone. I was a very responsible and smart kid, comparatively. She is lucky enough to act her age. If the kid grew up in NYC taking the subway and wanted to test the boundaries, I don't see a problem with it if his mother thought he was ready, but I agree with most of the comments: I'm tired of the labels. They're kids, you're parents. Isn't that all we need?

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  Posted by BrutalBaby Tue Apr 22, 2008 7:21pm PDT

  I agree with KB and JC, there needs to be balance and yes, the labels are stupid. Moms need to unite under accepting the fact we all mother our very unique children differently. Instead of slapping each other with labels, we should be supporting each other without judgement.

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  Posted by Erin Levandowski Tue Apr 22, 2008 7:28pm PDT

  well said KB, JC and brutal, i grew up in a very over protective single parent family. now that i have children i fight very hard not to be as protective as my mom was knowing the mistakes that i made when i was younger. that is still our job as parents isnt it, to make sure our kids grow up making the good choices and going down the right path? labels are most definately rediculous. i do miss when i was younger and every mom in the neighborhood would watch out for the kids, now some people could care less if its not their child, unless of course its to point out what one mother is doin "wrong" that they are doin "right."

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  Posted by Cherish Tue Apr 22, 2008 7:39pm PDT

  There is so much that I could write about this topic. I totally agree with KB in that I think a lot of these parents give their children independence and freedom more for their own sake rather than the sake of their children. Honestly, what kind of parent allows their nine-year-old to ride the subway alone in today's society. The world is definitely not what it was fifty years ago. I do agree that the media tends to hype things up a bit and this probably contributes to our perceptions of the world gone bad; however, I do feel that there is more bad now than there was then. People do not seem to think about the consequences of their actions anymore, just like children. Children do not have this mental capability, teenagers have not even fully developed this brain function, so how does one expect a nine-year-old to handle a pedophile on the subway. I'm sorry, but I am very protective. I do not let my children out of my sight. And I take that back, I am not sorry. I would rather have my kids a bit stifled but safe, rather than not have them at all. Children have many, many years to grow up. Why make then grow up faster than they already are?

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  Posted by HeatherH Tue Apr 22, 2008 8:06pm PDT

  When I was growing up (I'm 24 now) I was a "latch key kid". From about 4th grade up I came home to an empty house. Half-days when I forgot my key I went to a neighbor's house for grilled cheese. These were the same (elderly) neighbors that come out during the summer to give fudgecicles to me and my friends. I still consider my area to be really safe because it's a small town.

  I would definitely not be ok with a young kid taking the subway on their own, but I'm not even that comfortable with the subway. It's almost all in how you are raised, but it's also knowing limits, like when safety becomes more then a matter of a scrape, burn or bruise that will heal. Allowing your kids to go into a situation that is frequently unsafe is different then allowing your kids to be in a situation that is potentially unsafe.

  And I hate all these labels. It makes things sound more or less acceptable then they are if you explain them. I don't want to be labeled a "latch-key kid" that makes it sound like I was neglected. "Free range kids" are not just allowed room to grow if their parents are letting them be too independent to be safe.

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  Posted by Jacobswife101808 Tue Apr 22, 2008 8:45pm PDT

  Good gravy. The way I grew up as an only child was with one VERY overprotective mother. Now, certain things she did I intend to repeat when I have children of my own ( oh how I can't wait for my first baby!) and other things I won't. Like, when my kids are 16, they aren't going to be stuck with the same curfew as the 12 year olds in the neighborhood. Yes, that is something my mother did to me. I love momma very much, but come on! I do however, as grown up as he may have seemed, think letting a 9 year old ride alone on a subway in NYC was an incredibly stupid thing for that mother to do. Kids get snatched in their own yards and streets ( I'm from Minnesota so the example I'll use is Jacob Wetterling). We do need to protect kids somewhat, but it should be guided by their age, not just maturity level.

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  Posted by BriaD Tue Apr 22, 2008 11:45pm PDT

  What is this world coming to?! Any parent who thinks it's ok for their child to ride the NY subway, or go on an'expedition' of some kind ALONE needs to be smacked REALLY hard! maybe that will knock some sense into them! This isn't Dora the explorer for crying out loud!! This world is FULL of 'bad guys' just waiting for a vulnerable person to attack!! It's not paranoia it is the truth! Way too many bad things happen and can happen to allow our children to be 'free-range;' and since when does anyone compare their children to animals anyway? Children need, and always have needed, guidance, direction and protection; that is a parent's #1 job! I have noticed that this current generation is full of children whose parents give them way too much lee-way and the children's attitudes show it immensely! Never have i witnessed a generation of such rude, selfish, ungrateful, disrespectful children as I do today! I am constantly hearing small children use language that even I would never say; it is utterly disgusting! My children are not sheltered so much that they miss out on opportunities to learn, grow or experience small bits of the world 'on their own,' however, they are certainly not allowed to just roam free either! The children in the neighborhood where we live are tossed outside to play all day without ANY parental supervision,and are allowed to ride their bikes/skateboards etc. several blocks away where anything could happen! I think parents today have grown extremely lazy and selfish and do not wish to waste any more time on their children than they have to (not all parents: but unfortunately too many)and this 'free range' crap is just one more way to excuse the parent's inablility or lack of desire to actually rear their children. How idiotic is this columnist lady going to feel when she lets her child go off 'exploring' like freaking Diego and he never comes back, or the cops find him dead in some alley?! What will she call that parenting style?

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  Posted by Lori Wed Apr 23, 2008 12:19am PDT

  Never let you're child go alone. If he wants to learn how to get home ride with him. heir are to many people that take an advantage of a situation like that. You're children are the most important thing in you're life, do not endanger them. Help yes support encourage praise,but do not put them in harms way.

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