Parenting

Monday, November 30, 2009

Parents gone wild: Is it ever okay to step in on another's mom's parenting?

Looks like actress Liv Tyler recently had a little run-in with a woman scolding a toddler and allegedly hitting the child as well.

Tyler says she "couldn't take it" and "had to do something," so she got in a minor shouting match with the woman.

Do you think Liv did the right thing?

In her book Bad Mother, Ayelet Waldman calls this "busting a Bad Mother." And, for me, these are pretty murky waters — when to step in and when to stand back and assume the mother or caretaker has the situation and/or (gulp!) herself under control.

I mean, it's pretty rare to see out and out child abuse along the street. However, it's not that rare to see a parent who has, well, snapped in a frustrating moment (whether it's one in an awful cycle of frustrating moments, we do not always know...).

In a recent article In Defense Of Kate Gosselin (Well, Sort Of) that takes a look at the Kate Gosselin "spanking incident" and all the follow-up judgmentalism, Sweetney writes, "we're lying to ourselves and each other if we deny we haven't at one time or other been, or at least come dangerously close to being, the parent scrutinized and judged..."

So when, if ever, do we, as mere voyeurs to possibly a single "Bad Mother" (or Bad Father) situation, deem it our place to step in? When do you simply have to do something?

And possibly more importantly, how? What is the right way to step into an obvious parenting moment gone badly in a supportive and helpful way (without risking getting poked in the nose).

What would you do or have you done in a situation where a parent seems out of control? Is it ever right to step in on someone else's parenting?

Written by Sheri Reed for CafeMom's Toddler Buzz

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From the Community…

Comments 1-10 of 51
  • Maren's Avatar
    Posted by Maren Mon Jun 22, 2009 9:14pm PDT

    I think you should not step in unless it is obvious abuse. If the adult in charge of the child draws blood or breaks a bone you know it is abuse not discipline. I also believe a adult should never discipline when their emotions are not under control. Extreme anger means extreme consequences for the child. I will say as a child the physical discipline I received did not scar me. However, I remember the lessons my parents taught me with more creative punishments. When I did not wash the dishes correctly. I was made to was every dish in the cupboard. In other words not doing a job right creates more work for you in the long run. With my kids I just try to do what I think is right. Mama never said it would be easy.

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  • Leah's Avatar
    Posted by Leah Mon Jun 22, 2009 9:34pm PDT

    The only time I really wanted to confront a mother was after I had taken her toddler I found wandering the aisles to customer service ( he was so sweet and it was scary how willing he was to go with me!) only to find him again a few minutes later. I saw her in the checkout later and she had 5 other children but the front seat of the cart was empty. Why didn't she just put him in it?!

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  • anonymous whatever's Avatar
    Posted by anonymous whatever Mon Jun 22, 2009 10:54pm PDT

    I think too often people would want to criticize a parent, make judgements too quickly or to call and have cps take a child away. I don't know what happened in this situation with the child, it wasn't filmed, all we saw was a few snap photos, but obvioulsy Liz is bored out of her mind to make a u-turn and chew someone out.

    The sad thing is that she knew that camera crews were with her. I however do not believe in child abuse. I think Kate and Jon plus eight, and sextuplets or any other of those shows is emotional abuse. The reason is because it is not work, it is a reality show and it exploits the kids for the parents to make money. No one would watch these people, because they are not relevant, they watch for the kids and I think that they are not growing up in an innocent childhood. They are growing up to please people and validation and to be responsible for mom and dad's income.

    In those situations they should take the kids. Liz Tyler needs to take care of her kid and herself.

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  • krissy's Avatar
    Posted by krissy Mon Jun 22, 2009 11:08pm PDT

    the child in the stroller looks awfully young to be spanked!! but i'm not 100% against spanking, i think if a particularly unruly child gets [not painfully] spanked once or twice in his life, it might just do them some good.

    but ugh what liv should *really* be irate about is that her handlers actually allowed her out in public with those shorts on! jeesus that waistband is practically at her boobs. yikes!

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  • Kathy's Avatar
    Posted by Kathy Mon Jun 22, 2009 11:11pm PDT

    I think there are times when saying "do you need help here?" or "how are you doing over there?" with a big smile, or a wave to the crying toddler, might actually get your point across and defuse the situation. I'm sure no parent means to cause psychological harm when yelling in public, but of course this can't be good for the child, or the parent-child relationship. In fact, in some situations, this may be the tip of the iceberg of an

    abusive situation, and you may be holding out an olive leaf to an adult who badly needs help. I think it is really unfair to say that responsible adults should just walk on by when they see children being verbally harangued in public for something minor; we wouldn't tolerate that if we saw a large, threatening male yelling at a smaller, timid female (i.e. domestic violence) and children are our most vulnerable members of the population. In summary, I wouldn't assume the behavior is abusive, but I see no reason (if you can control your own emotions) not to make some sort of overture towards the parent/caregiver to let them know you see that THEY seem to be out of line, and to show the innocent child some support.

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  • Teena's Avatar
    Posted by Teena Tue Jun 23, 2009 3:57am PDT

    Murky waters indeed. If i were in the same situation, making myself notice that I see what is happening is a start. Usually, that should tone things down a bit when out in public. At least, that can stop the rage rush in the hopes of calming things down.

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  • Annie's Avatar
    Posted by Annie Tue Jun 23, 2009 5:23am PDT

    I was standing in line to pay for my purchases at JC Penney one day. I had my two older daughters with me (14 and 12 at the time). I have four children. This mother had three young boys with her while shopping through the racks at Penneys. One in a stroller and two not. The boys were playing together and she clearly didn't want them to. First she yelled at the one boy to stand still and stop playing. When he started playing again she hauled off and smacked him in the face and grabbed him by the arm. He howled in pain and started bawling.

    I got out of line and told her if she smacked him again I'd call the police (as her hand was raised to smack him again). People in the store were applauding me. The mother told me to mind my own business and that I had no idea what is was like with three kids. I promptly told her I have FOUR children I raised and would never smack my children in the face!

    Clearly the children were bored of standing there as she shopped for clothes. If my children act out at a store, we leave. If I need to shop I find someone to watch them and go by myself. It wasn't a small tap either. She hauled off and wacked him hard.

    Security came over and she immediately left, shouting obscenities the whole way.

    So yes. I completely agree that people should step in when children are being abused!!

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  • Phoenix's Avatar
    Posted by Phoenix Tue Jun 23, 2009 6:05am PDT

    Annie,

    Congratulations on your standing up to that woman. I'm glad to know there are still people left in this world who won't just stand by and watch it happen. Your daughters got a healthy dose of "doing the right thing" that day.

    If I saw what looked like child abuse you can bet your bottom dollar that I would say/do something. (Smacking a child in the face is SURELY one of those things.)

    There's no telling for sure whether or not Liv did the right thing. All we have is the media's portrayal of the situation and some snapshots. I'm not passing judgment on either of those people because there really isn't enough information to make an informed choice, but I hold out hope that somehow some good came out of it.

    ~Peace

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  • InLove's Avatar
    Posted by InLove Tue Jun 23, 2009 6:33am PDT

    Better to be safe than sorry if you ask me. If the mother or father is that outright with punishment in public, what happens behind closed doors?!? I have, on more than one occasion, approached a parent and told them they needed to calm down, but I always make sure there are others around and will proceed to call the police or security to have them look into the situation. Do not attempt to dismantle the situation alone in case it does turn violent or they turn around and accuse you of something. Be safe and call an authority and they can decide if the parent crossed the line and needs to be monitored, but again, this is in cases where it is obviously crossing the line or about to cross the line or abusive.

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  • Myeisha's Avatar
    Posted by Myeisha Tue Jun 23, 2009 7:02am PDT

    I for one am tried of hearing this incident with kate gosselin sometimes a spanky or firm talk has to be done on kids. Now a days people have been losing their minds; killing people, stealing and killing animals. So kids need to get spanked. I know I did and now I am an respectble young lady. As for the people that go over board with displining their child/children. and I do think there is a moment in time with an outside person should step in and say something. That time is when the person is draging their child across the floor cuz they won't get up or when the person is calling the child all kinds of names. Yes, the parent will same this my child and stay out of my business so I will if you have in mind that you want to say something to a parent who is showing lack of parenting skills; please think first. A lot of them want to argue or sometimes fight you. But all in all it's good to step in to save a child's life.

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