Parenting

Friday, December 4, 2009

Put your marriage before your kids

I've often felt too many couples invest more than the healthy amount of energy into raising their child and not enough into maintaining their marriage.

This OpEd piece hits the nail right on the head - Put your marriage before your kids

A few interesting passages from the article,

"Child-centered families create anxious, exhausted parents and demanding, entitled kids who act out."

"Most of us would never dream that putting our children before our marriage could be a flight response. We often believe we just don't have time for our spouse. But the truth is, we often feel more love for our kids than for our spouse. When two parents drift apart from each other, often one parent will drift closer to the kids."

"[Sic] parents convince ourselves that putting our kids first is child-friendly, but we make two main mistakes by doing so.

First, it becomes harder to respect and enforce the boundaries that shape a child's character, so he simply badgers his parents until he gets his way. Future bosses and spouses may not be so patient with this behavior.

Second, we put tremendous pressure on our children to fulfill our emotional needs, which may lead to the child acting out. "

What is your opinion on placing your child before your marriage?  Do people even realize that's what they are doing and wonder why the marriage is so strained after the children are grown and leave the house?

Syndication:

From the Community…

Comments 151-159 of 159
  • momwho?'s Avatar
    Posted by momwho? Fri Sep 5, 2008 9:11am PDT

    I agree. I was married for 13 years when my husband asked for a divorce for the fourth time. All of my time and energy had been devoted to my marriage and my two children, now 14 (son) and 12 (daughter). Our marriage was in constant turmoil because we didn't put our relationship ahead of everything the children wanted or needed. I could never do enough for the marriage hence, I drove head first into doing whatever I could for my children. After a two year long divorce and custody dispute, my son lives with his father in California and I and my daughter have relocated to Michigan to live. I have remarried and my husband and I put out relationship as a priority because my daughter needs to understand that a life-long, loving marriage is a priority. I am praying that she will understand and learn what to expect from a loving husband and not be degraded and made to feel inferior. I never want her to be fooled by a man that is a narcissist and demands that she make him happy. That will never happen. My son is very self centered and wants everything his way, just like his father. He rarely talks to me unless he wants something. This is what I am trying to avoid with my daughter. Thank God she is with us.

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  • momwho?'s Avatar
    Posted by momwho? Fri Sep 5, 2008 9:46am PDT

    reneeowens1963 I know how you feel. Even though it was father who wanted a divorce, my son thinks I'm the bad one because I finally have a new husband in my life that adores me and accepts me for who I am. My daughter on the other hand knows the truth and is willing to "dance with the one who brought you" so to speak. I pray that one day my son will realize the deal. This probably won't happen until he experiences the same heart ache. It's not easy but I believe that is God brought you to it, he'll bring you through it. Good Luck and enjoy each and every day that is given to you.

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  • Kimberly's Avatar
    Posted by Kimberly Fri Sep 5, 2008 10:06am PDT

    To momwho i surely enjoy you stading on the promises of God. Yes when He bring us to it, He'll bring us through it. Keep the Faith my Sister, and Contining allowing God Be Lord Of Your Life. Everyone be blessed, and be encouraged on whatever you're going through. Count it all Joy Becausse it'll be help, and encouraging to someone else. Have A Positive mantility, Think Positive, and We'll get Positive Results. Death and Life is in the Power of the Tongue. Stop talking Defeat, and gone on through the day putting God first daily, and keep praising His Holy Name. Read His Word, Keep Praying, believing, Stepping out on Faith, and Given God back His word to Him. All the promises of God is YE and AMEN! Seek God for his Guidance, Directions, and Leadership of the Holy Spirit. We have to TRUST God in Everything, and For Everything.

    Faith without works is Dead alone, and without Faith it's impossible to please Him. I'm Praying for Everyone, and Their Household. God loves You and So do I.

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  • Kimberly's Avatar
    Posted by Kimberly Fri Sep 5, 2008 10:07am PDT

    To momwho i surely enjoy you stading on the promises of God. Yes when He bring us to it, He'll bring us through it. Keep the Faith my Sister, and Contining allowing God Be Lord Of Your Life. Everyone be blessed, and be encouraged on whatever you're going through. Count it all Joy Becausse it'll be help, and encouraging to someone else. Have A Positive mantility, Think Positive, and We'll get Positive Results. Death and Life is in the Power of the Tongue. Stop talking Defeat, and gone on through the day putting God first daily, and keep praising His Holy Name. Read His Word, Keep Praying, believing, Stepping out on Faith, and Given God back His word to Him. All the promises of God is YE and AMEN! Seek God for his Guidance, Directions, and Leadership of the Holy Spirit. We have to TRUST God in Everything, and For Everything.

    Faith without works is Dead alone, and without Faith it's impossible to please Him. I'm Praying for Everyone, and Their Household. God loves You and So do I.

    Report Abuse
  • Kimberly's Avatar
    Posted by Kimberly Fri Sep 5, 2008 10:07am PDT

    To momwho i surely enjoy you stading on the promises of God. Yes when He bring us to it, He'll bring us through it. Keep the Faith my Sister, and Contining allowing God Be Lord Of Your Life. Everyone be blessed, and be encouraged on whatever you're going through. Count it all Joy Becausse it'll be help, and encouraging to someone else. Have A Positive mantility, Think Positive, and We'll get Positive Results. Death and Life is in the Power of the Tongue. Stop talking Defeat, and gone on through the day putting God first daily, and keep praising His Holy Name. Read His Word, Keep Praying, believing, Stepping out on Faith, and Given God back His word to Him. All the promises of God is YE and AMEN! Seek God for his Guidance, Directions, and Leadership of the Holy Spirit. We have to TRUST God in Everything, and For Everything.

    Faith without works is Dead alone, and without Faith it's impossible to please Him. I'm Praying for Everyone, and Their Household. God loves You and So do I.

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  • Andrea's Avatar
    Posted by Andrea Sat Sep 6, 2008 4:47am PDT

    It all depends. If you have a good husband that is also a good fahter, then you should think about balancing the situation. Your life and heart are big enought for everyone in your home. in a day to day basis, it is about priorities, if the children need a bath, then you cant sit with your husband to watch tv, if your husband is sick, then you cant take the kids to the park.... it is a family not a competition, and yes, we, the women of the house are responsable for keeping the balance. Make sure everyones needs are covered, love and discipline your children, remember they grow up, love and care for your husband, remember he is the one you will be with until the day you die. This comment does not aply if you have an abusive husband.

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  • Shelley's Avatar
    Posted by Shelley Sun Sep 7, 2008 1:40pm PDT

    The marriage relationship was meant to remain intact (and healthy) far beyond the time when the children leave home. The husband and wife are to be a united front to provide constancy and security for the children. The child-centered philosophy has been detrimental to society as a whole. Running children here and there for this and that only encourages shattered relationships within the home. Children need a tight framework to grow in. The years of child-raising are difficult, but the rewards of the empty nest are great!

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  • Devon's Avatar
    Posted by Devon Sun Sep 7, 2008 9:36pm PDT

    Yes, you should put your spouse ahead of your children. If you are a Christian and read the bible you would know that children are going to grow up and leave and God says to put your wife before your children, not the other way around.

    Marriage has to come before the kids, if it is done right, everyone is way happier. Kids these days have such entitlement issues because they think they are the centers of every world. They think that because a lot of parents make them feel that way by doing and giving EVERYTHING to them. It is such a disservice to our children.

    I make a lot of compromises for my kids, I love them dearly, but I have to put my husband ahead of them, not every second of every day, but as a rule, he comes first.

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  • Andre's Avatar
    Posted by Andre Wed Sep 9, 2009 5:17am PDT

    Marriage should come first, i.e. your spouse and your relationship with him/her.

    Your marriage is supposed to last until you die, but your children will one day leave your house and form their own family.

    You only made a vow once, on your wedding day and to your spouse only.

    Parents should love their children but not let children become a wedge in their relationship as husband and wife.

    Genesis 2:24

    Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and cleave to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.

    Matthew 19:6

    ... that they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.

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