Parenting

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Put your marriage before your kids

I've often felt too many couples invest more than the healthy amount of energy into raising their child and not enough into maintaining their marriage.

This OpEd piece hits the nail right on the head - Put your marriage before your kids

A few interesting passages from the article,

"Child-centered families create anxious, exhausted parents and demanding, entitled kids who act out."

"Most of us would never dream that putting our children before our marriage could be a flight response. We often believe we just don't have time for our spouse. But the truth is, we often feel more love for our kids than for our spouse. When two parents drift apart from each other, often one parent will drift closer to the kids."

"[Sic] parents convince ourselves that putting our kids first is child-friendly, but we make two main mistakes by doing so.

First, it becomes harder to respect and enforce the boundaries that shape a child's character, so he simply badgers his parents until he gets his way. Future bosses and spouses may not be so patient with this behavior.

Second, we put tremendous pressure on our children to fulfill our emotional needs, which may lead to the child acting out. "

What is your opinion on placing your child before your marriage?  Do people even realize that's what they are doing and wonder why the marriage is so strained after the children are grown and leave the house?

Syndication:

From the Community…

Comments 11-20 of 159
  • Sagwa's Avatar
    Posted by Sagwa Thu Aug 28, 2008 7:03am PDT

    It seems to me that people don't realize that your kids will eventually leave you to live there own lives; if you don't have your spouse at that point, who do you have?

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  • Karen S's Avatar
    Posted by Karen S Thu Aug 28, 2008 7:11am PDT

    I think my kids come first. And they do not badger me until they get their way -- that would be NOT investing time and energy into raising the kids. Setting boundaries is hard work and it takes a lot of effort. My children are small and helpless, and they will always be my children. I have no problem with my family being "child-centered." My spouse and I both put our kids first, that's what parents DO, and it brings us closer together in our marriage as well, working for this higher goal.

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  • Veronica's Avatar
    Posted by Veronica Thu Aug 28, 2008 7:17am PDT

    When you bring home an infant, the child has to come first out of necessity. They are tiny, vulnerable, and you are not just meeting their physical needs but teaching them they are loved and secure. Depending on the nature of the baby you bring home, you may be in for a very long stretch of being consumed meeting the physical and emotional needs of the baby.

    The tricky part, in my mind, is transitioning from that very intense parenting stage to the next stage, where you balance the needs of a toddler/preschooler with advancing cognitive function against the needs of your marriage, your spouse, yourself.

    It is important to maintain intimacy (not just sexual intimacy, but emotional intimacy). It's too easy to become partners in childcare and not partners in life.

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  • RatnaJewel44's Avatar
    Posted by RatnaJewel44 Thu Aug 28, 2008 8:46am PDT

    If you put your spouse before your kids, you will have a better

    marriage. Then lodgically, your kids will see a good example set by their parents of what a good marriage should be. So by having a "Love and respect marriage" you will be benefiting your kids.

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  • Mmgirl's Avatar
    Posted by Mmgirl Thu Aug 28, 2008 9:12am PDT

    Too many parents put their children first and forget how to be themselves anymore. That is why when you have kids your non-children having friends kind of disapear. All your realtionships suffer when your children are the entire focus of your life. Yes they are important but no parent should ever lose themselves to their children. You are still a person and need the relationships in your life to keep you sane.

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  • Erin's Avatar
    Posted by Erin Thu Aug 28, 2008 9:12am PDT

    One of the things my mom told me when my husband and I had our baby was that our marriage needed to be our top priority and our daughter needed to come second, and while that seems counter intuitive, she reminded me that if my husband and I don't get along, we won't be able to give the best to our daughter. And I grew up seeing enough kids from fractured homes to know that that's not an environment I want my daughter to grow up in.

    Also, putting your marriage first doesn't mean you have to ignore your child when they need you. It means making time each day when it's just the two of you (after the kids' bedtime is good, or coffee together first thing in the morning) and -talk- to one another. Don't just veg out in front of the TV. Make a 'date' with each other a couple times a month and go out without the kids.

    You'll be happier for it, and so will your kids, and that, afterall, is the ultimate goal.

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  • Linda702's Avatar
    Posted by Linda702 Thu Aug 28, 2008 9:40am PDT

    I saw that on the news yesterday morning and I had never really thought about it. I agree because I have my son from a previous relationship and a daughter with my husband. My son had a tough time, he was 7 when i got married. He never knew is biological father. Anyway, at first the marriage was great but as time went on my son was taking over. Everything was about him. I started drifting from my wife duties and then my daughter was born and things only got worse. Then my hubby cheated on me. We have been to couseling and were told the obvious that we had to stick together and support each other when it came to disciplining the kids and it was not just me, or him, we had to back each other up. And that eventually the kids would leave and we would still be together. We have been making more time for each other and my son is starting to "get it" that he isn't the center of the universe.

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  • Jessica's Avatar
    Posted by Jessica Thu Aug 28, 2008 9:51am PDT

    You never realize how much you can love something until you have a child. Alothough I feel there needs to be a balance. Parents still need their "date night" but you dont have to necessarily put your marriage first. Equal them out, dont favor one or the other because both parties will feel that.

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  • bugaboo's Avatar
    Posted by bugaboo Thu Aug 28, 2008 10:42am PDT

    Okay...have definately put my son before my boyfriend and it has and is putting a strain on our relationship. I have a 2 year old and I need to know how to fix this. Any suggestions????

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  • EnCee's Avatar
    Posted by EnCee Thu Aug 28, 2008 10:43am PDT

    We should absolutely put the marriage before the kids. I'm married 22 years and I can tell you there is another reason why couples should do this - to stay married. Your kids are going to grow up and leave, that's what we all did, and one day before you know it, it will be just the two of you again. Don't dread that. Look forward to it. The best gift you can every give to your kids is to be happy yourselves. Don't look to them for total fulfillment - that's too heavy a burden to place on them. Show them that life changes don't have to mean problems and depression. Take up that hobby, run that race or go back to school (which is what I did), and show your children that there's something to look forward to when they get to be your age. Staying positive, and active makes you interesting to your spouse as well. You have fun things to talk about and you look forward to that time together at the dinner table. And, when your kids drop in, you can talk to them about all the things you're doing as well. It's a win-win-win proposition. You, your spouse and your kids!

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