My 6-month old preemie is starting to show signs of stranger anxiety. He loves to go out though -- we've taken him to parks, groceries, a few parties -- but it looks like we need to be careful now about bringing him to places where's likely to be "handled" by strangers. When people come up to us he would look down or turn away to avoid making eye-contact. But if people just sit or stand an arm's reach from him, introduce themselves and wait, he'll give them a lovely smile and even start cooing. He seems to dislike the ones who kiss him, pinch him, or put their face close without giving him a chance to figure out who or what they are. My problem is I don't want to be rude with or offend friends who used to carry him or people I work with, most of whom came and gave gifts during the baby shower ... a lot of them think they're good with babies.
Here's something that I understand and wonder about at the same time. Why do strangers think they can pacify a crying baby?
We went to an office party last night and brought our baby along. He was crabby until the motion of the car put him to sleep, and was still sleeping when we got him out and put him on the stroller. Imagine his reaction when he opened his eyes to see strangers -- our friends and colleagues actually -- peering into his stroller. He starts crying. I pick him up to comfort him when a friend -- whom the baby has only met once or twice briefly -- takes him from my arms. Baby starts crying louder. I took him back and another friend comes up, puts her face inches from baby's face and starts making funny faces. I explained to everyone that he's overstimulated and experiencing stranger anxiety. I stepped out into the lawn and encountered a new set of problems. Everyone who walked in wanted to hold him. I started shushing or waving away at people, but we were at the point of no return because baby does not know how to shut down. To make a long story short we ended up leaving the party before it started. Baby cried for over an hour the whole time, and for another 15-20 minutes after we got home when he finally went to sleep sobbing.
Strangers & Babies
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Comments 1-3 of 3
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Posted by Wed Jun 11, 2008 6:46pm PDT
Report AbuseI think you are very wise to empathize with your baby by 'putting yourself in his onesie' and imagining what it would feel to be poked and grabbed by "strangers" or people you dont know and completely trust. I can tell you have a lot of respect for him, and deep concern for his well-being. I highly encourage you to not let anyone hold your child who he doesn't feel comfortable enough to allow to do so.
(That is unless he needs to be held by them, such as a childcare provider and in that case you can say something such as "Mommy has to go to work. You are going to stay with Melanie for ___(a few hours) and you and Melanie will have a lot of fun together. You are going to read books and eat snack and go for a walk in the stroller"...(or whatever activities are planned). And give him some time to get used to the idea, before handing him over to his care provider, even if he seems upet or expresses his displeasure with the idea. I like to know what's going to happen in my future, don't you?)
Renowned child expert Magda Gerber, in her book "Your Self-confident Baby" recomends that you start speaking to your infant from the very first days of her life as if she can comprehend everything that is said to her or around her. Language development is still mysterious and it has been demonstrated that children who are spoken to, not just phrases and baby talk learn faster and more easily.
It sounds to me that your babies reaction to these pinching, prodding, kissing, grabbing, staring adults, ten times his size, are perfectly appropriate. I would react the same way! Confidently empathize with your precious little one, he is YOUR baby It is your job to honor and defend HIS feelings, not those of the grown-ups around him, who have years of practicing self-control.
Your little one does not yet have mastery over his feelings, nor should he be expected to have self control or disguise what his feelings are, or be easily placated. Children who are belittled or distracted from their feeling grow up not knowing when to trust themselves and make poor judgments, socially et al.
Children who are listened to and have their feelings reflected back to them i.e. "i see that your hiding your face. It must be overwhelming to have so many people looking at you at once", or no youdon't want to be kissed right now, can you let gramma touch your hand?" learn to trust themselves and are more attuned to the feelings of the people around. I have been a care provider for infants and children for many years and its amazing to see the difference in levels of self-confidence and poise and social grace, and particularly compassion! in children who were raised with respectful, loving care and those who were treated with the attitude that they were "lesser" than fullgrown adults. Be well and take care! Sinerely yours, chorder
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Posted by Wed Jul 23, 2008 3:38pm PDT
Report AbuseYou did the right thing. You sound like a very good mother. Removing a baby when he is clearly in distress I believe shows the child that you are validating his feelings. His screaming was saying "Mommy get me out of here, I do not like this place and these people" You could have done like some and forced the baby to stay and allowed him to scream, but that would have made wveryone miserable even the guests.
Keep up the good work!!
I have a son who was like that whenhe was an infant. He would only stay with me or his father we could not go out for more that 2 hours when he was an infant. When he turned 2 1/2 he started pre-school twice a week and from the door he was fine, did not even look back to say good-bye. But we just had to get past that first stage. Now he is a social butterfly.
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Posted by Wed Sep 3, 2008 3:22am PDT
Report AbuseThank you, thank you. We've been traveling from June to August, and I just read your comments today. The good news is baby enjoyed traveling to different places and meeting all kinds of people -- he looked puzzled every time there are people around and nobody notices him. It was cute the way he raised his hand while we were queuing at the airport. He particularly enjoyed going to the shops where the sales staff can smile and admire him. But he still wants them at a certain distance and time to assess them first. After that he actually doesn't mind having different people carrying or touching him. He has taught me to respect our babies as well, and to treat them like real persons.
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