I've made a list. I checked it twice. Everything on here is totally insane. Maybe you have fond memories of some of the items on this list, but remember: you were a kid, and your logic was impaired. Of course you thought watching metal roll down steps or spinning on a plastic disk until you threw up was a reasonable way to spend your time. But now that we're parents, let's look at these toys with a little more perspective . . . — Cole Gamble
33. The Hokkaido Poo Poo Bear
This is, simply stated, a poop-themed bear. Does it poop? Don't know. Does it eat poop? That's not clear. The only thing that is for sure is this bear is very enthusiastic about associating itself with fecal matter. Maybe poop means something different in Japan?
32. Aqua Dots
There wasn't much to this toy, just a bunch of dots that weakly bonded when you sprayed a little water on them. The idea was to put them into patterns to create figures so crude they make a Lite Brite look like hi-def.
What is that? A frog with bleeding gums? E.T.'s
lime-flavored friend? You know what it is? It's a green square
with some black, red, yellow and awful.
I wish this was all that's wrong with the Aqua Dots. The
manufacturers, however, took this already sucky toy and multiplied
it with so much suckyness that the sheer sucktitude bends the very
fabric of reality, allowing you to travel back in time and
accidentally hit on your grandmother. What could they have done to
make these dots worse, you might ask? Something so pointless must
be harmless, right? Sure, unless you do the one thing most natural
thing to a child and ingest one. That's because Aqua Dots, when
exposed to water, form the same chemical as found in date rape drugs.
If you want to get your kid a safer and less offensive gift, get
them the Hitler action figure that releases bees and malaria when
you press its head.
31. B'loonies
Here's an example of someone totally over-thinking what was a perfectly decent toy. Balloons are internationally recognized as fun. Too fun, some toy executive must have thought, and so came up with B'Loonies. I imagine that toy pitch went something like this:
Toy Executive: Sir, after six months and twenty-five million
dollars, I think we've come up with our big fall toy.
Toy CEO: That's a balloon.
Toy Exec: No, that's a B'Loonie.
Toy CEO: So it's like a balloon?
Toy Exec: Yes, sir.
Toy CEO: Does it bounce?
Toy Exec: Goodness no.
Toy CEO: Can you bat it around?
Toy Exec: I wouldn't.
Toy CEO: What's it made of?
Toy Exec: A highly toxic, unstable compound.
Toy CEO: So what are you supposed to do with it?
Toy Exec: Try not to anger it.
